To 25....as sofaraway posts, we tend to be a little bit on the 'defensive' as a group since much of our history is based on oppression. In spite of this, Hanukkah is a celebration of miracles and lights. Funny thing is..it really is a very MINOR holiday which, sadly, like Christmas, has become overly commercialized.
To nicola....'fuhgeddaboudit'....as one says in Brooklyn. I never took it anything other than a friend trying to keep my eyes open and keep me on my toes. Hugs...and...I admire frank_d for supporting you.
To sofaraway.....we do those things. Trust me..if I had a nickel for all the tears I shed, alone...in the dark....while running...or watching a movie that used to mean so much to me and my wife....well, my pants would be around my ankles from the weight of the coins. It only means that you love your family...that you upheld your vows....that you have compassion....
trapt, SD....you're gonna be OK, quoted from Frank_d...trust me....you will.
To nate...I still get strength from knowing that you are here. Thanks for staying with me. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
To Bill...you are so fortunate. I watch....and hope.
Finally, for those curious. It was a quiet holiday. My W got the lion's share of time with them, but, this was not the time to fight this. Oddly, D5 and S8 got me a shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch and a shirt/tie from Macy*s on Hanukkah...and... my stocking had a framed photo of the kids on Christmas and a $20 gift certificate to Borders.
No..not babysteps. I think just my W's inability to understand the value of money and our finances. Her Christmas gift, both picked out by the kids, was a bracelet with bluestones and a matching hat and scarf.
This was our last holiday together under the same roof.
She will get the kids on NYE since I had them last year. I didn't fight this. We barely talk except for necessities.
I AM retaking the MBR tho'. I am tired of sleeping on the couch. My back is killing me. I have started going up to the MBR. I keep on my side of the bed. This is STRICTLY on the UP AND UP with no DB principles involved. She can sleep downstairs for a bit if she wants.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
No..not babysteps. I think just my W's inability to understand the value of money and our finances. Her Christmas gift, both picked out by the kids, was a bracelet with bluestones and a matching hat and scarf.
Yep, I think it does all come down to their (and I don't mean women or men, but WAS's'] inability to 'understand' money. Or responsibility.
They aren't 'stupid', just Ill informed.
Still, we cannot be their teachers. Only their buffers in reality.
Agreed WCW and frank. Thanks Kerry....working towards being in a better place next holiday season.
Observations and simply writing:
Last night, as I was pulling the blankies up on the nice and comfortable mattress in the MBR:
W: FIB, I think it's time we come up with a schedule for sleeping on the bed.
Me: No problem...whatever you want.
W: Why don't we rotate by the week.
W obviously saw that I was 'retaking' the MBR. I mean really...why did I move downstairs in the first place? It was to give her space and privacy in the hopes that she would come back. There is no need for me now to get a bad back by sleeping on the couch everynight.
Yesterday, I came home midday to grab some lunch. I went into the bathroom to find two pair of panties rolled around a pair of socks on the countertop. One pair was red with snowflakes, hearts, lace, reindeer...the other standard issue VS.
OK...do I need to see this? Was it left there intentionally? Subconsciously? WTF.
THIS....THIS..is what now sucks about being under the same roof. I really don't need to see this if you know what I mean.
This is the part of D here in NY that really sucks. I am now closing in on 3 years post bomb and this is the part that really keeps one from making the 'final' detachment. Living with indifference alternating with disdain. Lots of fun.
In many ways, I 'admire' my W for, at least in my eyes, being able to completely move on and not give a rat's a$$ about me anymore. G-d bless her. Despite this, I still find it hard to 'hate her'.
Many of her behaviors have either returned or are still here: -gnawing on her fingers -tight jeans all the time -wears black stretchies to sleep so we can all see her behind and camel toe in the morning -I believe she is back with the personal trainer -tons of new clothes showing up -whitening her teeth -watching those TV shows, VH1, etc -People Mag, cellulite mag, etc.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
From time to time, I have shared some of my professional experiences with you...when I think that hearing real life stories may help put life in perspective.
One 'positive' thing about my job is that everyday....when you leave the hospital....the air seems fresher, the night seems more beautiful...when you realize that you have your health and your life. Sadly, coming home to just 'hang' with my family may have been just a bit too 'boring' for my W.
On Christmas Eve, at 9PM, I was called to the ER to see a 56 year old woman in good health who, for the first time, presented complaining of 2 weeks of abdominal pain. They performed a CT scan of her abdomen and discovered that she had a perforated sigmoid colon, from tumor, with extensive metastatic disease to her liver (extensive spread). Suddenly, a complete stranger (me) was going to have to tell this woman the findings.
This...is NEVER easy.
Her family, of course, is destroyed. However, SHE seemed to take it stride..but...I don't think she has the full grasp of it.
I operated on her yesterday. It was horrible. She had a large tumor in her sigmoid colon with her left fallopian tube and 2 loops of small intestine stuck to it. She had extensive liver metastases....some up to 5 cms in diameter and she also had seeding or implants in her abdominal cavity.
If she has more than 6 months, it would be a blessing.
I left the hospital at about 830P after spending 3 hours in the OR trying to remove this obstructing cancer. While I was in the recovery room, I called home and my son picked up the phone:
Me: Hey buddy...how are you? S8: Great dad...I miss you. When you are coming home? Me: I'm leaving in a few minutes. S8: Hurry up..I want to play (xbox game) with you. And dad....can you bring home some milk? We need milk. Me: Milk? Sure.
(D5 grabs the phone)
D5: And dad..don't forget to bring home some red cabbage.
(my D5 wants to be a scientist, so, she picked out a science experiment kit that requires red cabbage)
Me: No problem honey. Milk and red cabbage.
Behind me, I hear the nurses chatting....smiling...giggling..saying what a great husband and dad I was...and contrasting being a surgeon and bringing home milk...as they got all the lines and tubes connected on my patient.
Little did they know.
Contradiction.
It's still difficult to conceptualize....the contradiction about what I hear and what my STBXW sees and feels. Having been given the gift to alleviate pain...to operate and intervene....is a great blessing.
Contradiction. There is nothing of value here to my STBXW.
I look at the nurses and I smile...crack a joke.
I go out to the lobby to the meet the 10 or so family members who stare at my face....looking for some message.
It's a VERY LONG WALK...those 10-20 paces....from the OR door/lobby entrance to the family. Very long. As if I WERE THE TUMOR, they dissect my every body movement and search my eyes for some message before I even get there.
I ask for only 3 to come with me into the chapel/consulting room and I give her husband and son the news.
I drive home, torn..inside...between the contradictions....in my life. Unlike my W, I know why I was put here. I have direction. My life has purpose. Although the depression has left and my focus is better...now....you feel the loneliness.
My patients pain should now resolve. At least for now and she should be able to eat again. My pain, however, still lingers though much better. I have been rejected and I must live with it.
But...I have my health. I do not have end stage colon cancer today. So...I am grateful for my health...I am grateful for being able to help my fellow man.....and I am grateful...for all of you here...for the support.
I drove home and picked up the milk. I picked up the cabbage. D5 and I made some bubbling color changing liquid and S8 and I battled it out on Xbox. I read a bedtime story to my son...a story about what snowmen do after the sun goes down...and I kiss him...and D5...goodnite.
Happy New Year to all my friends here. Live life. When you are with your kids, "be in the moment" with them.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
W: FIB, I think it's time we come up with a schedule for sleeping on the bed.
Me: No problem...whatever you want.
W: Why don't we rotate by the week.
This may sound like angry Jeff again, but if she is so upset about it, she should go sleep on the couch, or save her pennies and buy a mattress for the spare room.
As you reminded me, this is her idea, not yours. Yes you filed but that was not your choice. She could have fixed things if she only tried.
I did the same thing when I moved out to "give her space, etc". And then I did not have the balls to move back in when I should have.
So set a boundary: Thou shalt never banish me to the couch.
If she objects toss her a pillow and say "I'm done fighting; your couch is calling".
Frank, Sorry I missed your call yesterday. You left a message about this woman but it was hard to make out b/c your voice was emotional.
That must have sucked trying your best even to give her an extra six months. Yes life is too short. And for you, talk about not being in control. Even with all of your training and experience and effort, you still don't get the final vote.
Yes my friend, this was a lesson in life perspective. Thanks for posting it. And thanks for helping me.
Despite the trials ahead, year 2009 will be a great one! That will be our assessment this time next year.
