When do the tears go away ?

[whitneypinch]

You are so right and that is what I have been doing. It's all about learning to become the best person I can. I have grown into the most fantastic father in the last year. Even my MIL and FIN have made a point of telling me. The biggest reward is seeing the effect it has on my kids. I can see it a mile away !

I believe my W is just going to keep running towards the elusive goal of happiness.

I am finding that my motivation towards her is starting to really drop.
She is still doing stuff to hurt me and I have to find a way to remove myself.
I have the kids for the next week starting today. We are going to the cottage to spend Christmas as we always have for the last 7 years. My W just texted me to say she needs me to drop one of my sons shirts off at her house and that the nanny will be there all next week. Well, of course this is her way to tell me that she is going away somewhere for the week. She did it just to hurt me. She knows I am up at the cottage and will not return until Friday of next week.
I don't know if they deliberately do this as a way to lash out or quite frankly they have no idea.

[still hopeful]

whitney,

I am happy to hear that you have become "the most fantastic father." I am sure your efforts to improve yourself have brought you and yours many rewards, both expected and unexpected. I urge you to continue on in this vein.

Continuing to learn and stretch yourself will only strengthen your intellect and your character as you put what you learn into practice in your life. As Winston Churchill said, "Never, never, never, never give up" on what most important to you like continuing to improve yourself. And don't talk about what you've already done, DO something today to SHOW what is important to you.

As far as your XW goes, she is NOT trying to hurt you for whatever pain she believes you caused her. It doesn't matter if the pain was caused by you or not for her, she believes it came from you and that is enough to cause both of you headache and heartache.

Your XW is doing whatever she is doing and because she makes you aware of what she is doing, it hurts you because you still care A LOT. My XW continues to run from thinking about our past, looking at HER part in the demise of our M over time, and feeling anything real which would come from heart-felt, deep reflection. I know that over the past 3 years I have felt as you do, that her behavior is all about me and specifically aimed at hurting me. Over time, I have realized that her behavior is a self-destructive pattern that started LONG before I met her.

In many ways, I was the was the fly in the ointment in her long running path of self-serving, self-absorbed and selfish behavior developed from childhood, teen drug use, and surrounding herself with ***-kisser friends, whose idea of real friendship is to simply pat her on the head to congratulate her self-destructive decisions as strong, independent decisions. Needless to say, all of her friends were and are marriage cancers. Certainly made the terrain of our M more difficult at best.

So, you may be wondering WHY I am intent on reconciling my M. Quite simply because I love her and I have faith that I am simply working to make God's will a reality. Additionally, I know that she and I could be happy together in His glory and I also know that our children would be best served by being part of a happy, healthy and whole family unit, rather than a broken family.

Ultimately, I know that I can only do what I can do with His help. I know that God gives us all free will to do as we wish and I cannot make XW (1) want the opportunity to reconcile and (2) put in the effort to make herself worthy of reconciliation. For now, I realize that I am not perfect, but I also realize that I have much to learn about becoming the best man that I am able to be. I look to Him to assist me in both recognizing and fully utilizing the gifts that He has bestowed upon me.

As far as your XW goes, she probably is running away to find happiness. Sadly, that is her prerogative. She clearly was not happy in some ways while you were together. She knows this. She was there. Since this fact cannot be changed right now all you can do is keep the door to your heart cracked open to the possibility of reconciliation; safeguard your and your children's hearts.

Remember, only YOU control your attitude and your willingness to hold on. I pray you will, but as always, that is YOUR choice. Many times the 'runner' tires from running and realizes that YOU are not THE problem in his/her life.

Continue working on making yourself as attractive as you can possibly be. Love your children. They will always be yours. Do not get too chummy with your ex-in laws. THAT may lead to further unnecessary running from you on your XW's part. Your ex-in laws are your XW's and your children's family, not yours. Be mindful of that fact.

Good luck, my friend. Only you control your attitude. Only you can protect your heart.

Best wishes,
Tom

[whitneypinch]

Oh my god what you wrote is my ex to a T.
"Over time, I have realized that her behaviour is a self-destructive pattern that started LONG before I met her.
In many ways, I was the was the fly in the ointment in her long running path of self-serving, self-absorbed and selfish behaviour developed from childhood, teen drug use, and surrounding herself with ***-kisser friends, whose idea of real friendship is to simply pat her on the head to congratulate her self-destructive decisions as strong, independent decisions. Needless to say, all of her friends were and are marriage cancers. Certainly made the terrain of our M more difficult at best."

My wife is 100% the same as yours and even her parents have rewarded her financially for her behaviour. They also think it show strength on her part. If they only knew some of the stories of her past they would be physically sick.
When I met my W every friend and relative came up to me to say how great it was that I calmed my W down and how happy she was. Well, in the end I was not enough for her. Of course she still blames me for the whole damn thing. No self-reflection at all.

So yes, I will just continue on. My Ex contacted me and the kids during my past week with the kids. She was so syrupy sweet to me and of course I was a bit too kind back to her. She pulled away and was sort of mean to me. It actually hurts to have any contact with her. So I will continue on with no contact and she can pop in if she likes. The truth is all the new things that she is into are of no interest to me at all so I don't even know if I would be attracted to her if I just met her.

[still hopeful]

whitney,

I am glad to hear that my situation and my XW struck a cord with you. I am also sad that you are experiencing some of the 'stuff' that I've experienced along the way.

At this point, let me back out and re-explain some stuff about my sitch. First and foremost, XW and I are not reconciling as of yet. I have been working to DB/reconcile since we split on Feb. 11, 2006, and I have been the only one making ANY efforts to work our relationship out. Mostly, I have met only her desires to be separated, divorced, and to move one separate from each other after the divorce. I have had fantastic mentors her who have taken time out of their personal lives to advise me and point me in the right direction. I've had some of these people tell me that my sitch is hopeless because of my XW. And yet, I'm still here. Fighting for my M. Fighting for my W. Fighting for my family. Fighting for me.

I don't have all the answers, but I was told this by a mentor, "YOU know your sitch and your XW better than anyone here does. Ultimately, you have to make the best decision for YOU."

The same goes for you, whitney. I can tell you about my sitch. I can tell you what I've done. I can tell you how my decisions turned out. But even then, that's ME doing something in MY sitch, with MY XW, not YOU doing something in YOUR sitch, with YOUR XW. Probably similar yes, but definitly different.

Experience, post, read responses (to you and to others), digest, post, read responses, digest...and on and on.... You seem like a very good man with his heart in the right place.

Again, focus on you and your children. At least consider doing these things:
1. Spend time searching for material to improve you. Much more exists than you would ever guess no matter how much time how much time you have spent searching.
2. Safeguard your attitude, heart and sanity.
3. Protect you children. Love your loved ones.
4. Make new friends who participate in activities that interest you and your children.
5. Strengthen your faith in God. Join a men's accountability group.
6. Read what interests you to broaden your knowledge base.
7. Start a new hobby (or two or three).

Bottom line, whitney, is focus on YOU. In my situation, my XW has lied to me so often that I have simply told her that I don't believe a word she says. I have told her that if I want to know the truth about what she values and what her priorities are, I don't need to ask her anything; I only need to WATCH her.

I have told her, "No matter what you do, I am NEVER surprised or shocked by what you do; often disappointed yes, but NEVER surprised or shocked. The funny thing about this line is that, just as her GF told me last year, "XW DOES listed to everything you say." In this instance, XW has used that exact line to tell me about how she (XW) feels about her own mother. LOL

My friend, let's work on ourselves together, as strange as that may sound. We both are on the same uphill struggle to reconcile our marriages and re-unite our families. Let's be strong together.

Tom

[whitneypinch]

Hello Tom,

What I will say is that this happening has been the best thing in my life. It has caused me to look so deep into myself to figure out what matters. I had had a wild career all over the world. I was very focused on what others thought of me and spent so much time on everything that represented me. My wife is from an extremely affluent family so this afforded me even more opportunity to be greedy and focused on the wrong things. My career got off track as I became unfocussed as well.
I had become so focused on other things that I did not focus on my W and my babies. The truth is I did not have any mentors growing up and most certainly was not prepared for what I married into.
When my W walked out the door I realized I had lost everything. That everything was my family.

In the last year I have read everything I can get my hands on. I have found a new purpose in life. I am using my skills now for greater good.
I really have become a fantastic father and have realized that my children give me the greatest joy in life.

I have also realized, as you have, that become a better person is now a life long journey. There is always more information to learn and experience. I trekked to the base of Mt. Everest and was fortunate to experience the wonderful culture in Nepal. Their culture has no negativity at all and is so focussed on the family. That trip changed my life.

As I continue on I am finally realizing that my W has not looked back from the second she has left. She has so totally moved on and is living a completely different life now. It's a lifestyle in which I would not fit in. I am starting to really see that.

So, I will continue to just focus on my kids, myself and giving back. It's all I can do.

If my W wanted to come back she would, but I truly believe I was just a phase in her life and now she has "evolved" onto another phase.

As MWD says not all marriages can be saved. I truly believe that no matter what I had done that my marriage would have ended. To see where my W is focussing her attention now is so different than when she was with me. I think she is much happier now doing what she truly wants. I believe my W was playing a role (she was an actress) that she grew tired of playing.
I think now I am just a slight inconvenience to her, in which she tolerates.

It is hard being with my kids and experiencing all that we do. I can't possibly imagine my W not wanting to experience the events with us. But as she has said....she has her own experiences with them now. I know she appreciates the father I am to "her" children. She has explained that her happiness is what is most important to her now. Is that a selfish act?? Yes and no.
Marriage is work and she did not want to do the work. I guess my negativity etc. in our M prevents her from considering reconciliation. She is afforded a life where she really does not have to work at anything so I guess she just wants to have fun.

Will this catch up to her/ I don't know. She my cruise through life from one fun experience to another and live happily "unhappy" ever after. Maybe something will happen to her like it did to me, and she will wake up. The truth is I don't think she will ever wake up as she is very content with her life now.

So, yes Tom, we continue on to be the best that we can and do right for ourselves and our kids. As with everything in life, everything is for a reason.

[still hopeful]

whitney,

I wish I could say that my separation/divorce happening was the best thing in my life. I lost my wife, my marriage, and my family unit because she and I did not have the skills to keep our marriage strong and together and because we did not have the skills, the desire, and the willingness to work on our individual changes to make our marriage happy, healthy, and whole.

I am saddened by all of this. So...what do I do. I DB to the best of my ability from the other side of the fence...by myself. Why...? Because if I quit fighting to reconcile my marriage, the end game is here instead of near. As distant as the light is at the other end of the tunnel, it's still there. I SEE it!

I, too, have looked deeply inward at myself to critically determine what parts of me are lacking or missing and I continue to shore up my weaknesses as a person, a man, a father, a family member, and a friend. What I have seen is that God made me as a huge mound of moldable clay, and taking into account the gifts that God bestowed upon me in the beginning, I am putting those gifts to work to fashion the best ME possible. I have come a long way in making myself better, achieving my daily goal of making Tom a little bit better than he was yesterday, each and every day; day after day.

My XW is from a newly affluent family. She is afforded both pluses and minuses from being part of that dysfunctional brood. I, on the other hand, my career also got off track and I have made some poor life choices. Now I see that I can no longer make choices based on what others think of me and how the external 'stuff' makes me and my life look. I am searching for meaning in my work and in my life today. I am confident I will find it in both.

I hear what you say, and I, too, may have just been a phase in XW's life, but what I see in watching all of her running and turmoil is that she comes back to me for stability and comfort. I don't mean to imply that it's more than that at this point, but THAT is much more than it was three years ago.

My XW also is living her life, and as it is, I would not fit in it. But I didn't really fit in it while we were married. She often felt unsettled and felt the need to get out of the house to 'relax'; be away from her husband and children. Always running to be with friends. Sadly, both of her parents are only children, so she has no aunts, no uncles, no cousins. I, on the other hand, have 7 siblings and come from a HUGE family. Family obviously meant much more to me than it did to her; family was foreign to her.

Since we've been apart, she has talked about the importance of family, but her nuclear family is completely dysfunctional and affluent. There's lots here, but it's off my point.

Saturday evening I received a text message at 11:05pm from XW asking if I was awake. I called her back and she asked if she could come over to my place (I had the children with me). I, of course, told her yes. She came over, for her reasons, and stayed. In talking with XW, she said to me that she was not welcome to my family's Christmas celebration, like I was invited to her family's, and THAT truth hurt her badly. I could see that our (she and I) not being a family was hurtful to her again.

Sadly, LAST YEAR I brought her along to my family's Christmas celebration and XW got drunk, physically hung all over my male family members flirting with them in front of me and my family, ignored all of my female family members, and, in short, made a spectacle of herself in front of my children and my family. Unfortunately, she doesn't recall ANY of her behavior that evening as being the reason for her not being welcome.

Yes, XW and I have a loooong history of almost meeting in the right place at the right time. And as often as we have just missed, I still see the possibilities that exist in our future together, rather than the missed, and now long gone, opportunities to make our lives together work out happily ever after. And yes, I know I am holding on to a long shot of our being able to reconcile after all that has passed, but I feel strongly that everything that I am seeing encourages me to push on.

I understand what MW-D says about marriages. Some cannot be saved. However, in listening to, and interacting with, my XW over the past 3 years, I believe that she is beginning to look back at her missed opportunity to be a happily married wife with 2 beautiful children and a doting husband, rather than a frantic, unhappy, searching, single mother of two. She is missing the 'family' she decided to divorce herself from.

Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do, my sister told me when I married XW. It certainly can be. I see the rewards from making it work. I have friends who have built a life together with over 50 years of marriage.

I see that XW runs around with her friends, but I see the longing in her eyes and hear it in her voice, and watch it in her actions, that she misses being a part of a whole family. She could run from fun stuff to fun stuff forever. THAT unfortunately will only lead to HAPPY (for a while), not HEALTHY AND WHOLE.

Most of the people in my life think I am not exactly sane in holding out any hope to reconcile with XW. They think the same about me thinking that XW has the capacity and the will to change in any demonstrable way. I say I am sane. I fight for what is right. I have regular conversations with God, and He guides my action, my thoughts, and my words. I am moving in the right direction. XW and I will once again be H and W and our entire family will be happy, healthy and whole.

Tom

[whitneypinch]

Wow Tom,
our histories become more and more similar with each entry !!

My W does not behave badly as you have outlined of your W.

I am the only child and my W is from the big, close family. When I met my W she did not want much to do with her family so it worked out for us. Now she is with them 24 hours a day. I have since went back and made amends with her family for not being more involved.

The big difference between my situation and yours is that my W does not confide in me, spend time with me and the kids or ever make mention of us. She is a rock and has completely moved on.
All I get occasionally is her telling me a cute story about the kids.
She never asks about me or what I am doing.

I really can't do anything more. I just have to move forward in my life focussing on me and my kids.

My wife has a philosophy that she has written on her fridge. "Life is too long not to be having fun". I think that pretty much sums up her view on everything including marriage. I don't think she has a clue how much work it is. We led a very charmed life and when we hit some challenges she sought comfort in others instead working through issues for the sake of our marriage and family.

My W is still harbouring a lot of anger. She is an "emotion stuffer" and lets things fester for years. So, ever once and a while she is very aggressive with our interactions.

So....I just keep moving forward. Some days I can't function and some days are not too bad.

[still hopeful]

Yes, whitney, our histories are similar, so take what you can from listening to mine and borrow for your sitch what fits.

To bring you a bit more up to speed on my XW and her family, they are an affluent bunch which was achieved at the expense of a functional family life. XW is currently at odds with her mother (the manipulative matriarch) and sister, and the two of them are pulling hard to get XW's brother away from XW and over to them. This is all deeply rooted in their hurts, mistakes, habits, hang-ups, and addictions. I do know this. I don't live inside any of their heads, but I do know that they are all hurting, assumptive, and pig-headed.

XW and I move closer together whenever she is between DH's and/or at odds with her mother/family. The fact that this is that landscape on which XW moves closer to me is NOT a stable foundation upon which to build my reconciliation efforts. It's actually only a mirage; a recipe for disaster.

So today, I find myself wanting to come to her rescue because I love her and holding myself back because she is hovering above quicksand and my rushing to her now will only lead to my and our demise.

My XW has looked like a rock at times. But, I urge you to look beyond the obvious. Look at what she does, NOT what she says. If she says little, it is YOUR job to make sure you listen to EVERYTHING she says. It is YOUR job to look at EVERYTHING she does. This is detective work without a deferred payment plan.

Based on your description of your XW's family, they are seriously dysfunctional and their 'support' is based on their convoluted premise of 'blood is thicker than water.' Trust me, I heard that statement more than I care to remember as their familial backstabbing got more and more vicious and their support became less and less available and more and more conditional.

Be her rock. She is probably a very strong woman who CAN and WILL move on without you. But only YOU know if YOU are the best choice for her for a life's partner. If you believe your are, put forth your best Omega Male self and be there for her. Be strong (which you are, so I don't say Alpha Male self), be emotionally available for her and your family, be assertive (not NEEDY), learn to BE HERE NOW whenever you are together. SHOW her you are different, don't TELL her how you've changed. She notices everything. She is watching. The proof is in the pudding. (<--I know, stupid saying, but I like it.)

If your goal is to reconcile with your wife and to DO things differently going forward, fantastic! I applaud you and your efforts. Look at your situation with a BEGINNER'S MIND, as discussed in DR. When I force myself to discard much of what I think I KNOW, and force myself to start from square one, I am able to view a challenge from a different perspective and come at it from a different angle, often arriving at a better game plan/solution. I am not as smart as I'd like to believe myself to be and I only make matters worse when I assume that I have ALL of the answers already, particularly in relation to my messed up marital situation. Heck, if I did, I'd be much further along in DBing my M.

My brother, YOU control your attitude. If your attitude is not where it needs to be to reconcile your marriage, change it. THAT is within your control with your concerted. You don't control her, you control YOU. Stay solution-oriented. Everything you say and do is either productive or counter-productive. Choose wisely. Fight for what you want. Never give in.

Your wife is like my XW in that she is a strong woman, and if necessary, she will make her life on her own. But that is not what either of them want. My wife simply wants me to be the man, the dominant one, in the relationship. By this, I do not mean that she wants me to dominate her, be a jerk to her.... She wants me to be emotionally stronger, be her rock, lead her to where I want our family to go. She wants me to care enough about to give her options in decision making and care enough to show her that I agree with her choice of the option that I have given her. Lead her and she will follow. Climb into the driver's seat and take command of yourself and your sitch. She may bail anyway, but doing things the way I have done them so far has only slowly choked more life out of the still real possibility of reconciliation.

Authors to consider reading, in addition to MW-D: Dr. Paul Dobransky (doctorpaul.net), Rick Warren, Norman Vincent Peale, David Snarch, David Deida, David Eldredge, Dale Carnegie, Shad Helmstetter, Napoleon Hill, John C. Maxwell, Gary Chapman, Maxwell Maltz, and Claude Bristol. I would start with Dr. Paul's information and then check out the other authors for offerings that interest you most and best suit you and your sitch.

I wish you the best, brother. Gird your spirit. Protect your attitude. Focus on solutions, NOT problems. Winning in your wish to reconcile your M is the goal. Never lose sight of that. Never, never, never give in. Hope is your friend. Surrender is your enemy. Surround yourself with people who support you in achieving your goal.

Do what you can. Don't do what you can't. Know the difference. The focus is YOU. Give her the opportunity to see and know that you ARE different. Not everything works according to OUR time plan.

Tom

[whitneypinch]

Hello Tom,

Thanks again for taking the time to post. Again the similarities are staggering.

Sorry, but today I am going to rant. I messed up some things in my marriage and yes I got into a funk. I landed into a family that had tons of money and I got lazy and off track.
My W left me and our family PERIOD.
She has not looked back for a second and is moving forward at the speed of light. She prides herself with her ability to make a decision, stick with it and never look back. It's both a great thing and a very sad thing. Her parents have rewarded her her whole life when she gets into trouble by bailing her out financially.

I am emotionally drained of this whole thing. While I would do anything to have my family back together I guess there comes a point where I deserve "something", anything.....

As we both know, it takes two. My W still is blaming me 100% for the whole thing. She is out "having fun" and is into all kinds of new hobbies etc. Affluence affords a fun lifestyle 24 hours a day. I am absolutely ripped apart that I am not with my kids. For me that should be enough to want to work on things.

My W has done a fantastic job over the last year of making sure she steers clear of me so that I don't have an influence on her decision.

I am fed up. I have been working 1000% on doing what I can to improve for myself and my family. I don't even get any crumbs thrown my way. Sure my W has softened a bit and recently has even signed an email with hugs BUT seriously....there is a family here.
There was not even a discussion about that before she left. Yes, I was not open to discussion as I was always defensive. Look, I get it I messed up. I just want some relief and to be foregiven.

My W did not even send my a happy new years text.

I don't know maybe I should not be on here reading what I should and should not do???? I wanted to send her a text at midnight saying happy new years. I sent a very kind text to ever one of my friends and even her parents but not her. It all feels so un-natural. Yes, I know that is the point of all of the DB stuff.
BUT at what point do we all just say.....”we deserve to be with someone that truly loves us”. If our spouses truly loved us would they not make the effort to REALLY try to understand why they were unhappy before they left, therefore showing how much they value the marriage and the family.

My therapist basically said the main ingredient to marriage is commitment. Commitment to working through everything because your marriage is the most important thing in your life. Our WAWs did not have that commitment at all.....they walked. Sure we were to blame but what about their role?
I am not pointing the finger at my W and saying it's all her fault but I just can't believe that my W is going 100 miles and hour and never going to turn back.

Yesterday I went on the Rejoice Ministries website for the first time. I am not religious at all. I read the story of the founders. Basically the husband got up and left his wife, and years later decided he made a mistake. His wife took him back. It was not much more complicated than that. They are now dedicated to helping couples work through challenges. The big thing is that they are working with COUPLES.
I am not a couple. My WAW feels she would be better off with someone else (unknown).

I think that pretty much sums up all of us on this board. Our spouses left us, for whatever reason. We need to all recognize that and move on. If by some act of fate they change their mind we decide at the time if we want them back.

Yes, this act has changed us all and given us a great gift. It was the gift to look so deeply into ourselves to change what we can to be the best person we can. That is what I mean when I say that this was the best thing to happen to me in my life. I was unhappy who I had become and this has put me back on the right path. I just can't imagine the girl I married has no interest to even talk to me about our M given the great children we have.
She has convinced herself that everything is great and the kids are great and all is fantastic.

I think you can see I am very angry right now. I just got 2 emails from my x in-laws. Both were nice wishing me happiness for the new year with my kids. I feel like ripping a strip off them a mile wide and saying 'you rewarded your daughter for destroying a family'.

I think we kid ourselves with all this DB stuff. Yes, we do it for ourselves but the fact is this….our WAW will come back to us if they feel like it PERIOD. The truth is they usually don’t. I think if you really look at these posts that the majority of success is men coming back to their marriages. I don’t see hardly any women coming back.

My parents called yesterday and said they would like to see my W and I get back together. This is an absolute 180 for them. It was nice to hear that but it made it worse for me. I know in my heart that my W will never come back. I guess by staying on this board I keep up some kind of hope. But does hope stop us from accepting the reality …… that’s called denial.

FED UP !!!!

[still hopeful]

Brother whitney,

THAT was not a rant, but you are on your way. But let me encourage you to rant HERE, and not to your S2BXW and/or anyone who is in contact with her. My mistake is that I have ranted to people whom I thought I could trust, only to find out two things were terribly wrong with my assumption of trust: (1) 'good' friends often think they know what is best to tell XW that you said and when to tell it, often getting all of it wrong, and (2), the fact that I mentioned XW's name, regardless of what was said, was relayed to her and SHE filled heard what she wanted to hear and filled in all of the blanks to fuel her anger for me and justify her actions to herself. So...be careful.

What I found was that XW had quickly gone about 'claiming' our friends as HER friends, giving them the ultimatum that they were either HER friends or my friends, but she would not have them in her life if she was not the chosen friend. One very good thing that came out of that is that I found out who my really true, good friends are...ALL single men, with no wife or GF to further manipulate the decision.

As manipulative as my XW was, I was more saddened by how weak-minded and weak-willed many of our supposed friends are, than I was by her manipulation, which was rooted in her hurts and fears. But, from my sadness came clarity. Clarity on who IS a friend and who is NOT. Clarity about the fact that trust is not to be given lightly and when one's trust is betrayed, that betrayal is disappointing, enlightening, and hurtful. That fact helped me further put my betrayal of my XW's trust into proper perspective; to better walk a proverbial miles in her shoes... somewhat. Anyway, I digress...as I often do. Back to your situation.

Some of the realizations I have come to over my 3 years, as a left behind spouse, is that I cannot focus on what I think i deserve if I really expect to take a critical, honest look at (1) who I was and what I've done and (2) who I intend to make myself into and what is the best, most direct, and most instructive path of getting from where I am currently to who I intend to make myself into. This is all a choice, and further need in another area of your life to start with a BEGINNER'S MIND. Neither you nor I know everything about much, and tossing aside our egos and finding experts in our subject of intrerst and delving into new material/thoughts and critically thinking about this new paradigm and how it fits (or doesn't) into our lives and goals is step 1.

What happened yesterday, and how you were in the past, is irrelevant (unless, of course, we are talking about your goodness). The past is the past. It can neither be relived nor undone. Learn from it. As the saying goes, unless we learn from our history, we are doomed to repeat it. That is not good for the 'stuff' that we do not wish to have repeated. This also goes along with not continuing down cheeseless tunnels and/or continuing our own insanity by repeatedly doing the same things over and over and expecting a different. If we want change, change starts with us. Change and happiness is an inside job.

Find a way to replenish your spirit. Being drained only leads us to do desperate (and in my case, sometimes stupid) things. Being fed up is only one step closer to surrender. YOU control your attitude. I will tell you, that in my case, my faith is what has kept my head above water and kept me in the game of saving my M. I respect that you are not religious at all. I am. Again, this is another aspect of your life to look at with a BEGINNER'S MIND. Perhaps you are still closing yourself off to possibilities that are in your best interest because of what you already KNOW. A possibiltiy...?

I don't know maybe I should not be on here reading what I should and should not do???? I wanted to send her a text at midnight saying happy new years.

Banish those thoughts. In Christianity, fellowhip is key to giving one strength in his mission, to add more determination to his resolve, to give accountability when needed, to deepen one's faith. You don't control her. You don't live inside her head. You don't feel what she feels. You are stuck in making assumptions and assumptions are almost always negative and counter-productive. I have felt much of your are feeling, as I am two years deeper into my situation than you are into yours. Focus on you and what you add to others and to the world without adding your expectations to what you get back for what you have done. Having expectations has always led me to feelings of disappointment and despair; feelings of entitlement and deserving. One action that has helped me to feel grounded and in control of my emotions is to reach out to others, XW included (but less so to her), by calling them to just say, "Hi, I thought of you and it made me smile." If I have to leave a message, I just tell them that and add that they just wanted them to know that thoughts of them added to my day and I just wanted them to know that, and no need to call back. (Of course, I would severly limit using this on S2BXW)

I have been working 1000% on doing what I can to improve for myself and my family.

Great. What if what's needed is for you to be working on improving you one thousand and ONE percent!? Google 212 degrees and watch the 'movie' about the difference that only one degree makes between 211 and 212 degrees, then re-think your efforts. Henry Ford said that people too often quit without knowing how close they are to achieving their goal(s). Don't be that guy. If a running back breaks off a long run from his own end one-inch line with time running out and his team behind by less than a touch down and he is hit and pulled on and nearly dragged down from behind at the opposing team's goal line...does he stop? NO. Even if he can't see the goal because of the defenders' efforts, he KNOWS his efforts are worthy; he KNOWS only he can reach the goal; he KNOWS quitting is not an option; he KNOWS surrender is losing.

I am not done responding to your most recent post. I have a pressing commitment that I need to attend to. Quote from Platoon: "Change your mind, you *ss will follow." Change your mind. It's a choice. You control your mind and your thoughts. You control you.

BTW, Happy New Year, Brother.

Tom

p.s. I will finish this post to you later today.