OT, I have to call her back tonight. Not looking forward to the convo, as she said more than once while inviting me that "she would understand if I didn't go, but wanted to be sure that I knew that I was wanted." I don't think that was code or something, either - I really think she wants me there. But I don't know how much she really could understand where I am and why I'd rather not go. And I'm trying to look at my own motivations for why I would like her to understand the truth...
"Thanks so much for the invite – it feels good to know that we are welcome – but I've made other plans for us. Thanks again though, we love you very much. Bye."
X's GG certainly understands well enough what has gone on. Besides, it is really none of her business.
There is going to be a lot of erratic energy buzzing around the lives of people you love today, but you can't let it get in the way of your plans! Friends and family members know that you care about them, but they also know that you have a life -- so if you change your plans just to come to their aid, you're only going to make them feel guilty. Just because they are going through some emotional upheaval right now doesn't mean that they expect you to drop everything and come running.
So, I guess I have grown more in patience. I didn't make a move today as far as contacting GG. I'll call her tomorrow, briefly, and see if we can visit either Fri or Monday.
I'm in a blah mood; not sad or depressed, not really anything but low-level lack of energy, etc. From what I've read, it is still a symptom of low-level depression. But a WHOLE lot better than what I've been through.
I do believe that my life is going to be as good as I make it. But as happy as I once was? I don't know if that will happen; I understand that happiness is not guaranteed, and that there are different levels of it. I think I'll be ok. Just trying to stay in the now and realize what I do still have.
First off, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to each and every one of my friends and family here. Words cannot express my gratitude for having you in my life....it really, literally, saved me from death on more than one occasion. I am forever grateful.
Now, I wrote this just to brain-dump. A lot of it is old sh!t. It is looking backwards. I was pulled there (or let myself be pulled there) by the phone call from GG, asking me to "face him." I haven't called her; mom will bring a note that I will jot down with her. I will keep it short, and just give a few days to pick from that I can go down to visit her. I would really like to throw open the truth, the light of day, on this whole thing.......but then I wonder why, what my motivation would be for doing that. So, I am just going to sit back and do nothing again. Took me forever to learn to shut up; hope I remember how to talk if and when the time comes. *******
You just learn to live with it.
I heard that quote on tv last night, and it rings true. I am doing well, really well. I have a very long gratitude list. Many people love me and I love them in return, I have a solid career that is a joy, my children are my world and happy and healthy. I have a beautiful home, a welcome place within a warm church, outside interests and hobbies. I feel more like my old self than I have in a long time. I don't have the cannon-blast feeling through my torso anymore. My appetite has come back, I can eat and sleep again. My hands have finally stopped shaking all of the time, and I can concentrate. I don't break down in tears multiple times every day. Progress noted.
I did get a call from my sister-in-law today. She pointed out to me that, you never know - look how long she had been on her own and quite happy, then love finally entered her world. She never dreamed that she would feel so happy and blessed, that there was more out there. That love will be in my life again someday, that I will meet someone else.
The thing is, I feel like my life has been that in reverse. I have the life now that she once had; and I know full-well what is missing. I was living a blessed life, and I miss it. Although it came close, loosing that life didn't destroy me, but I feel the contrast. And that's the way life is, isn't it; there are no guarantees.
Great-grandma invited me and the children to Christmas - she wanted me to know that I was wanted. It was very moving, and I love her and Grandpa very much. But at the same time, it made things very hard for me. You see, I can't be part of the act. Too much has been done and not enough time has past for me to feel comfortable, or even just unaffected, with him being in the room. Grandma says that "he never talks about her at all - he just comes over and we have a nice visit." The elephant just sits in the room, and everyone plays nice.
They all want me to go along with it - no one wants to be uncomfortable. No one wants to talk about it, so Chuck can go on being "the good guy." Like my brother-in-law said once, "Well, he didn't do anything to me."
They don't want to know what he did. And they don't want to know about his choices now, or how they affect and hurt me, and the kids, and his parents. No one knows what to say or what to do. They don't want to loose him, so they go along with the game. SIL asked me today, if he thinks that this is what he'll do forever with this woman. I don't think he has thought it through that far. But I know that he does expect everyone to be ok with it eventually.
I would love to blow this whole thing wide open with the truth. But I worry about my motivations. Do they really need to know? Or want to? What difference would it make?
This is beyond a basic divorce. This is adultery and betrayal. Months of lies and premeditation subversion. He slept with both of us for at least 9 months, exposing me to whatever health issues she might have had. He turned his back on me more than once when I was in a suicidal depression, leaving me to die. He threatened to kill me if I turned his children against him, after accusing me of brainwashing his parents. When I tried last to reach out to him, see if I could survive at least a friendship with him so as to have him in my life on his terms and be able to coparent the kids, he recoiled from me like a diseased leper, his look of disgust slicing through me...then called the cops to have me removed, refusing to talk to me. He called me a pyschopath and threatened action if I ever left the kids alone (they were in the house, asleep, with his parents right there).
He bought a house with this woman only 4 months after our divorce was final; hers was only 2 weeks old. He has exposed our kids to her and her children's various dysfunctionalities. He has plans on putting my son's bedroom in the basement next to the oldest girl's - two unrelated teenagers alone on the lower floor. This girl just got another piercing - her nose - that her mother brought her to get done. Her facebook often says that she hates everything and wishes she was dead. My children, especially my oldest, is so torn. I hear that he won't shower there, that he cried with his father on the bathroom floor, that he feels pulled apart, that he thinks his father has made the wrong choices but there is nothing that he can do about it. When I try to talk to Chuck about it, I am told that he speaks with his kids every night and they are just fine. I wonder if he realizes how people view them. That she is a manipulative, stupid, family-destroying bitch. And that he is a fool, and selfish. When once, he was looked up to, respected, admired, the subject of "crushes" and inspiration.
And I want the impossible....I want my husband back, the one I remember from 20 years, the one I fantasize is stuck and lost somewhere in there....that this is all some huge mistake. It could have been made right, it should have been made right. But he would have to WANT to do that. I love the man I knew for 20 years with all of my heart; I would die for him. I am in mourning for him, for my life, for being secure and safe, for being cared about like that, for being worthwhile. I have forgiven him, but I don't think I have forgiven myself yet.
I prayed to God last night to help me. I want so much to have what I had once....and I can't have that, now. In response, I ran into a good soul today I know from work. She reached out to me. And within a few minutes, another one, who missed me. And hoped that I would come back to the AlAnon meetings where people understood, where talk was helpful and not gossip, where there would be people who "get it" and aren't afraid to stare down that damn elephant. I thanked God aloud for that.
I know that I will survive this, even if I don't necessarily want to. I have been the most reluctant LBS...afraid to let go. Afraid to let the love in my heart die.
So, no, Great Grandma. While I love you and the family very, very much and miss you all, I cannot go to Christmas. I am a second-class family member now, and wanted as long as I can plaster the fake smile on my face and pretend that everything is just fine with me, it all is as it should be. I don't want to have to tranquilize myself to get through what used to be my favorite day of the entire year. The pain of not being with all of you is less than the pain of being near him and knowing that I am no longer wanted, I am rejected and no longer in his heart.
And I want the impossible....I want my husband back, the one I remember from 20 years, the one I fantasize is stuck and lost somewhere in there....that this is all some huge mistake. It could have been made right, it should have been made right. But he would have to WANT to do that. I love the man I knew for 20 years with all of my heart; I would die for him. I am in mourning for him, for my life, for being secure and safe, for being cared about like that, for being worthwhile. I have forgiven him, but I don't think I have forgiven myself yet.
I prayed to God last night to help me. I want so much to have what I had once....and I can't have that, now. In response, I ran into a good soul today I know from work. She reached out to me. And within a few minutes, another one, who missed me. And hoped that I would come back to the AlAnon meetings where people understood, where talk was helpful and not gossip, where there would be people who "get it" and aren't afraid to stare down that damn elephant. I thanked God aloud for that.
I know that I will survive this, even if I don't necessarily want to. I have been the most reluctant LBS...afraid to let go. Afraid to let the love in my heart die.
So, no, Great Grandma. While I love you and the family very, very much and miss you all, I cannot go to Christmas. I am a second-class family member now, and wanted as long as I can plaster the fake smile on my face and pretend that everything is just fine with me, it all is as it should be. I don't want to have to tranquilize myself to get through what used to be my favorite day of the entire year. The pain of not being with all of you is less than the pain of being near him and knowing that I am no longer wanted, I am rejected and no longer in his heart.
I am speechless...you have put down what is in my heart exactly. Merry Christmas to you Donna. It may not be the Christmas we wanted, but its all we've got, so we go on. Thank you, you'll never know how much it helps just reading this. ((((Hugs)))) Sugar
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
