TxMom - how to get through the pain #3 post

[S.T. _I Made It!]

OK.... here we go - posted same thing on newcomers...

Thursday night talk was emotional and yes tears for both of us... he mentioned that he does think of us and miss all of us.... what is sad and I feel the bottom line is it isn't enough for him to come back... right now... he is in the thick of this OW and frankly someone who can suffer himself but still pick the OW and himself more times than not over seeing his kids (and I go back to this is a man who would have rather been home with the family than "guy" time most the time) I dont' think I want him back. I think this is says something about his character that you can't change...This is NOT the man that you M and you know this. It does not mean this is really him, it is NOT really him. Right now he has been pulled in with temptation and is fallin into the pit of sin which leads to death and the choices you make can help or break him

So this weekend was the first weekend I asked him to watch the girls both nights (knowing I'd see them yesterday for 5 hours due to D4 bday party) and both mornings were so hard... so this morning I call D4 while talking to her we both saying we miss each other and ILY's - H gets on phone and I just said you don't understand how hard this is for me... he says I know it must be.. we get into convo again as he wants to drop kids off early b/c of Cowboy game and he needs to drop car off at dealership... I tell him I have several hours of stuff to do so I'd call him and let him know. so Thursday he is emotional and sad.. today he is cold and mean... he could care less and I know it's because he has been with the babies all weekend and probably can't wait to get to OW house. He just stated that he is never coming back to our marriage, that he thinks we are two different people, the confrontation or conflicts we had are not changable or fixable.. I told him I never had a fighting chance, that he focuses on all the negatives about our marriage and not looking at any positives.... If you want to save your M, this is definitely not the way to do it. You can not tell him or talk him out of what he is doing, it won't happen. He is too far into this sin, it is like a drug. I know because I've done it myself. He's got to realize for himself what he is doing, and right now he's really emotionally sick. He is so focussed on himself, but when you DB for real, it will allow him to take the focus off himself and start realizing things. ALL of our spouses felt exactly as your H does. And I can tell you at least 3 people I know on here, there H's said the same things, and there Ms are reconciled, including my own. But you do need to be constant and strong and it's not easy. Giving up is the easy thing to do, and I don't want you to give up. If your H was as great of a father as he was, I can't tell you how wonderful he could be after all this is said and done. This could be an eye opening experience for both of you. It doesn't mean to let him walk all over you, no matter which road you choose, you basically need to do the same thing. TAKE CARE OF YOU, and stop worrying about H. Become the best you that you can be, and treat your H as a friend in the process. Show him by your actions how great your life is, because he is where he is because he knows things will never change. YOU SHOW him things CAN change, by your actions, not by your words. words mean nothing. as his own words mean nothing. Just because he says he will never come back, doesn't mean he truly believes this, otherwise he would have filed by now. He is still confused, so use that to your advantage. Start confusing the HECK out of him!!!

So I am no good at DBing... but I haven't really wanted to b/c there are somethings I needed to say for myself to heal.. Thursday was good and today was convo I wish we didn't get into. For H to think of himself before his kids is amazing and this is a man who lived with me very unselfish and would do anything to accomodate us and our family before his own needs... but maybe he has snapped and had enough. this is totally correct, and the OW is just another straw that breaks the camels back

New boundries, I packed some of his clothes today and have them by the door, told him I'd like him to get the remaining things out. He will also not be staying at this house while I travel for business anymore.. two kids and dog will have to go to his apt from now on as that is how it would be if and when Divorced. Now, when you do this, just act like this was his idea and act like your doing him a favor. Don't be mean, don't be ignoring, just talk friendly like he was expecting you to do it like, "hey, I gathered some of your things for you, it's in a couple boxes in the garage, whenever you'd like to pick it up just let me know"

I will go dark or semi dark.. no more questions (although I've said it before) I almost feel like filing for D myself but told him if this is what he wants he'll have to file. 'do not file, let him do ALL of that stuff

I just don't know how I'm going to get through the weekends with out my babies and the co-parenting will be another challenge in and of itself... being without my kids is truely the hardest thing of all of this... so not fair to them. you will get thru this. IMHO if you were able to handle it emotionally, I believe that you shouldn't make things happen faster than he's making it. But that is your choice and your boundary to figure out. I allowed my H to stay as long as the contact was outside the house. I told him I didn't want to push him out of their lives sooner than it needed to. The other thought is, if H isn't around you, then that means he's around something else. I wanted to have more influence on my H, and therefore chose to let him be around us as much as he wanted, unless of course I had GALing plans. It is important to not let them think you'd give up everything for them.

[TxMomw/2girls]

ST -

thanks for the input... I agree and I really feel I'm going to do this.. can't say whether it will help my marriage BUT I'm in such a good place this week... I'm on 5 days of peace and happiness, considering it all. Better than I have been the whole time this started. I was little sad yesterday b/c I had 3 hour drive and time to "think" and I'll have that same drive back to Dallas tomorrow from Tulsa so too much time to "think" but it will ok.

H doesn't want to watch the kids both nights because he wants to go to a grand opening resturant one of the nights.. I hate to force it b/c I'll look controling and H started complaining that he feels like the babysitter... isn't that funny!!! But forgets that last two weekends he was out of town with OW... I need to figure out if standing strong on this is worth it... a 180 would be to let it go and just not bring it up ...I have plans Saturday night not Friday night so not that big of deal. He won't notice and hasn't noticed anything I'm doing to accomodate him ... Oh well... I can't wait till New Years Eve comes up ...

I'm just friendly and detached... this week... I'm going to stay strong and keep it up for me.

[Little Engine]

TxMom--You are doing great! I wish I was in Tulsa, you, me and S.T. could go have a few cold ones! If not making an issue out of it is a 180 and will further your cause, then why not let H have the night off. There will be times when something comes up and you will need to rely on him. Take care.

LE

[TxMomw/2girls]

Here is an update.

I was out of town Wed - back today Friday. as mentioned above H was little perturbed that he had to watch girls both nights this weekend and was short on Thursday night b/c he had plans Saturday night with OW.. I played it cool and didn't force it but said I'd get back to him later that night or this morning about whether to watch girls tonight or not.

Friday morning I call at 8:30am trying to reach D4 to say good morning on way to school... then call at 9am trying to catch H so I could talk to D4 but he didn't answer either time... I left message the second time ..

He texts me

H - your girls are great! Don't want to talk to anybody today

Me - Thx - hope your ok!

H - Nope - I don't care so u shouldn't

I don't respond .. then about 2:30pm he text

H - I can't watch girls tonight - I'm not good

I called - he didn't answer I left VM - that I got his message and that was fine about tonight, that I know he told me not to care but that I do... told him that if I can't get in by 5pm I'd call him back..

My nanny told me that after he came back with D4 after school at noon he either took nap or was in our room for awhile and that he did seem sad or not himself.

I'm glad - it could be a mixture of reasons... Since my friend sent him her email Tuesday he has been litte short or edgy.. maybe he read her letter last night ..... but I know he is with OW tonight .... As ST or PM stated.. when they are sad, guilty, grumpy just know that all is not well in fairytale land with OW or the guilt is getting to him... We didn't have any convo that would have prompted this so I just continued being friendly. At least I know he is struggling some too..

any thoughts let me have it...

[hope3343]

TxMom, read the e-mail, it was very good and thoughtful but ABSOLUTELY do not bring up to H. Then H will think it was your idea and it will lose its effectiveness. Zip your lips as they say. I do that with my H some times. I tell him something because it has so much impact on me and all H does is get annoyed. Have stopped this behavior.
As tough as it is for the LBS, I know it is not easy for our WAS for the holiday. I know my oldest D has told me she is not calling her father that day because he should be with them. When H is with OW -- it is not their family, kids etc. I know my H will probably spend the day depressed and drunk. Nothing I can do.

Keep in touch.

[Nasmat]

Hey, TxMom! I just wanted to stop in and let you know that reading about your journey has really helped me alot in terms of thinking about mine. I really feel for you, and I think you're doing a great job.

I too struggle with the difficulty of dealing with a man that used to be so selfless and loving - a family man, a friend, and someone that would rather stay home than go out with friends. Heck, he barely had any friends. And now, like you, I am dealing with a selfish, distant guy that parties with his unethical coworkers every night, has his bachelor pad, and is all me, me, me. It really hurts, and it does make one question if it's even worth bothering.

We love the men we knew, not the men we're dealing with now.

That being said, I think you've gotten a lot of excellent advice. Lord knows I am not wise enough to add to it, but I will pray for you and trust that God will provide only the best for you regardless of the outcome.

Have a wonderful weekend and God bless,
~Nas

[TxMomw/2girls]

Hello all - I posted a long post on Newcomers.. I'll copy and paste maybe tomorrow or go there and give me your thoughts...

thanks

[PositivelyMommy]

TxMom, how are you doing? This is the crazy season, and you have to be extra strong for yourself. You can do this. Don't panic and if in doubt, DO NOTHING. Thinking of you.

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM - thanks for checking on me...

I've done sooo good the past couple of weeks and this weekend started the sadness and anger .... I know it is amplified by the holiday's but I can't shake it...

My H doesn't call for almost 3 days over the weekend and then calls late last night tell D4 he wants to take her to lunch today, Monday, said he'll call in the morning. He calls today at 11am leaves message that our D4 mentioned lunch to him ( is his mind that bad.. he brought it up to her not the other way around) and told me he could do it but Tuesday was better for him he was so busy today. He told me to call him and I haven't reached back out to him and not going to. I can't talk to him today nothing positive will come out of my mouth.

We had planned for him to spend some time Christmas Eve and day with us but now I'm not so sure.... How can I fake it... it is so hard and I know you all know. I can't imagine I'll feel better in two days to want to spend time with him.. but I want my D4 to have us together this (maybe) last holiday.

I'm so angry he has done this to our family ....

[Amy M]

All I can suggest on the anger is to pray about it. That has been the only thing to help me put it aside. And, you need to put it aside. Not for him, but for you and your babies.

I'll make that my specific prayer for you this week.

Do avoid him until you can control the anger. There's no point in talking to him when you know you might be easily provoked. And, remember (I tend to forget this myself), it is not your job to protect your girls from all his parenting mistakes. You won't always be there to do that, so, don't put that pressure on yourself. He'll make his own way with them...it might not be good, and, he'll pay for his mistakes later.

Hugs and love to you!
Amy