I don't know how to block the myspace page. I don't even have a myspace account, and I guess I looked because I was hoping things weren't still hunky dory between them. I know I have to have some self restraint there...but sometimes I just wonder. Anyway, I don't think that is the reason for my state of mind right now as that was back around Thanksgiving that I looked.
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You can have down days, but don't EVER allow yourself to believe the above is true!! There is NO WAY!
Then how come he can go on and have a normal happy relationship with someone else who claims he has "changed her life"?...Yet with me he became so depressed he could hardly function in everyday life.
I am not sure why some days I am perfectly fine and other days I am barely holding it together.
Then how come he can go on and have a normal happy relationship with someone else who claims he has "changed her life"?...Yet with me he became so depressed he could hardly function in everyday life.
because he's lying to himself..He has NFC what will make him happy. Do you really think that if he was truly depressed with you..I mean truly dianosed as depressed that without AD's and some sort ot treatment that this OW has been some type magic bullet that has made his depresssion disappear?? I don't think you can just shake depression by having a new relationship..you probably just mask the depression with the euphoria of someone new..
Whoa.....back away from that statement right now! You KNOW without a doubt there is no way that is true. Your XH has issues on top of issues. If he seems all happy go lucky in his new life, then good for him. It's more than likely him acting as if and it will crash in on him at some point. Kris, I know you know this, but "karma is a beotch"! It will come around to him someday.
You are reacting to the wedding news because of two reasons I can sense:
1)This is an older woman and, even though you are probably very happy for her, on some level you are wondering why you aren't moving forward faster. It's causing a lot of hurt feelings in you - more so than one of your young girlfriends who you have watched go through their romances.
2) It's the holidays! That magnifies EVERYTHING! Being alone (in the respect of having no R at this time) at Christmas is terribly hard. There is a program I have been through that has helped me enormously. I will send you a like to the information on your FB.
Most importantly sweetie, take good care of you. I completely understand that it is so hard to feel yourself falling back into the pits when you've been so up for so long. You will pull through it. Exercise in your new workout room! Have a BLAST rocking out to loud music while you workout. Enjoy yourself and LIVE just for you!!! You're only young once!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Then how come he can go on and have a normal happy relationship with someone else who claims he has "changed her life"?...Yet with me he became so depressed he could hardly function in everyday life.
Kris, if anyone figures out why you FEEL THAT WAY and how to help you STOP FEELING THAT WAY then they'll be a gazillionaire!
What makes you think that his relationship is "normal" or "happy"? Mike is right, he just jumped to a new R and the euphoria of the newness is making him all giddy right now. You just sit back and heal the way you are supposed to, good things will come to you.
I suppose most of us see this. For me and my X, it has been a merry-go-round. The OM that broke the camels back "completed" her. That fell apart, then she met a guy from my hometown (65 miles away) and he was "perfect". Now she has BF that she has shared with the kids is thinking she wants to marry. Initially I was jealous of all three. Two out of three are "has beens" and have happened inside of a year.
For most of us with enough heart to be posting on a site like this, we weren't the major disfunction in our marriages. Sure, we could have done some things "better", but obviously we had a bit of normalcy.
I know for me I've gone through times like you were I was envious that:
a - she wanted someone else other than me, someone else was making her happy b - the other person had what I wanted
But you know what? Neither one of those was really true when I FORCED myself to be honest. She wants someone that she hasn't let down, someone who doesn't know all her faults, someone she can have a clean slate with. Guess what, until she deals with her demons she is more than likely going to make the same mistakes with future relationships. And... (BIG ONE HERE) the other person had something that I really hope I NEVER have again! Someone who would trash a marriage, cheat on their spouse, etc, etc, etc.
When you look at the OP in your X's life now the easiest comparison is the exterior. I know that each and every time I've heard my X has someone new I'm anxious to see them, find out what they do, etc. I'm eager to see if she has upgraded. That is the easy part though, not what truly makes someone happy and helps them function day-to-day. What's on the inside is what counts, and chances are that if they seek out someone like our X's then they don't have it. If they do, then they probably have some sort of other "thing" going on. Fixer, like em bad, whatever.
So... quit stressing it! Take a look at who you have in your life now and compare. At this point, don't pine away at the "ideal" of your lost marriage, take an objective look at the person. Compare that to what you have experienced thus far. I know that for me the pining for what I HAD is the demon. Lord help me if I ever really got THAT back! I'm sure I would really be depressed then!
I deserve better than what I had, YOU deserve better than what you had, and we will BOTH get it!!
She wants someone that she hasn't let down, someone who doesn't know all her faults, someone she can have a clean slate with. Guess what, until she deals with her demons she is more than likely going to make the same mistakes with future relationships.
Do you really think that if he was truly depressed with you..I mean truly dianosed as depressed that without AD's and some sort ot treatment that this OW has been some type magic bullet that has made his depresssion disappear?? I don't think you can just shake depression by having a new relationship..you probably just mask the depression with the euphoria of someone new..
I know you are right. Our MC...who was also an IC for both of us told me she thinks he is bipolar but didn't see him long enough to diagnose him. That doesn't just go away. I know she isn't a magic bullet. Logically I know this....sometimes emotionally I just can't grasp it.
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This is an older woman and, even though you are probably very happy for her, on some level you are wondering why you aren't moving forward faster. It's causing a lot of hurt feelings in you - more so than one of your young girlfriends who you have watched go through their romances.
Well, actually it is her daughter that is my age. I think it is getting to me because this girl is just starting her life with her partner....and here I am the same age and already went through a divorce. Just makes me feel like a failure.
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What makes you think that his relationship is "normal" or "happy"?
I guess just my imagination...things I've heard...things I've seen.
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I know for me I've gone through times like you were I was envious that:
a - she wanted someone else other than me, someone else was making her happy b - the other person had what I wanted
Bingo.
The OW that he initially left me for fell apart and he came crawling back....but that was about 5 months later. I guess I was hoping this other R would fizzle out about the same time.
Thanks everybody. Really. I needed a pick me up and you all jumped in and gave me just that. I am doing a little better. I even sucked it up, and went over and talked about the engagement along with everyone else.
She wants someone that she hasn't let down, someone who doesn't know all her faults, someone she can have a clean slate with. Guess what, until she deals with her demons she is more than likely going to make the same mistakes with future relationships.
Well said.
You are so right Steve. I know that xh wants someone who doesn't know he is different. He was so different when he came back from Iraq....and she didn't know him before. I did. She doesn't question it. I do. I understand that. Sooner or later he will have to deal with it.
Thanks GM. I had been out on my own since 18 also and it was so hard to move back in with my mother....15 months. I didn't have a choice as I was still paying a mortgage on our house in TX with no help from H. I couldn't afford that and an apartment.
It is very freeing to be on my own again. Actually it is the first time I have lived alone since about my second year of college...(well, except for when xh was in Iraq). I love being able to decorate just the way I want....not having to clean up after anyone. Plus I have the WHOLE closet and ALL the drawers in the dresser and chest. I only have to do MY laundry. Ahhh...I could go on, but the point is that I am really enjoying it.
I am doing better today. I went home and ran it all out. I felt so much better afterwords. I have to remember that feeling when I don't want to exercise.
Also talked to one of the VP's of the company yesterday about this new position I am interested in. He was VERY excited. Told me he would love to have me in that position and was glad I mentioned it to him as he hadn't thought of me but I would be perfect! So he wants me to talk to my boss about it today to see when/if he would be willing to let me make a move. It would probably be a few months before anything happened but I am pretty excited.
Kris))))))))))))))) i have been feeling EXACTLY the same these past weeks! all those feelings that have us ache for what we wanted and for what it is have also pull me into a vortex of negativity. You got such awesome advice, I dont' know what else to add but to say that whatever kind of women they are the xs didn't pick them because they represented the opposite of us, but because the brand spanking Rs are so new and without any history! those women have NO FREAKING idea what kind of men they are with, we do. And because we knew what they were about those man cowardly left because it would've been too much work to rebuild an R. I too lived with a depressed zombie for months, and now behold! he's buying pets, furniture, planning big things with his 2 month old fiancee. That also happened with then ow, once he moved in with her after we parted ways for good back in Feb 08 he was all plans. Six months later the bubble burst and the crazy chemistry turned into toxic sludge because his true self showed, with all his unresolved issues and lies.
I dont' know hold long this new R will last, and I dont' want to care, I have been misspending SOO much energy thinking of their R, of him, her, where did I go wrong, what could I have said... WASTED time, the man is sick in the head and thought of no one but himself, you and I will never really know what goes on on their Rs, and we need to understand that it's all water under a bridge. We need more thought stopping, we need to change the channel more often and focus on US. This new mess has put me back in obsessive thinking a la ow back when he was with me, it's that bad and that toxic and we dont' need it in our lives kris.
WHo knows what the hell were their problems, it's easy to pin it on us, but by the history of their actions no well man would've done what they did.
Hugs)))))))))))) we'll do just fine, no, ever BETTER than before. KNOW IT. BELIEVE IT.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I guess the problem I am having is that I know H CAN be a good man. He was for 7 years and then it was just like a switch flipped. If he is the same way with this woman that he was with me for the first seven years then I can see why she feels he is so great. And, if he can be this way with her, then why not me? I just don't understand his meanness and hatred towards me nor his avoidance. Ugh, just thoughts that go through my head. I try not to think about it for the most part.
I am a little torn about new guy right now. For whatever reason, he is getting on my nerves. He really is one of the nicest people I have ever met. However....maybe he is TOO nice)...can someone be too nice? I feel like he agrees with everything I say, and I don't think he would say what he REALLY thinks. He is also very routine and the routine is starting to get to me, and he is VERY predictable. He does have very good qualities too and I feel extremely comfortable around him. IDK, maybe I should cool things off with him a bit.
On the work front, talked to my boss yesterday and he thought the new position would be a good opportunity for me. Soooo, I talked to the VP again today and he said he was very excited and that he couldn't think of a better person to move into that position. He wants me to officially move on January 12th, which is much sooner than I had anticipated. It will mean a lot more work, but will also be a lot more interesting.
