*Should I fight custody?*already signed sep.agr

[ACJ]

Cat your H is doing exactly the same as mine did. However mine did it within weeks of leaving and I can hand on heart tell you that it has really screwed my kids heads up. Even S16 who currently lives with H has been affected although neither of them would agree with that statement.

[oldtimer]

Cat,

Take a break from trying to reason with STBX about this. You say you are going to, but you don't. He told you that he would listen to C. GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO DO SO.

YOU need to listen to the C too. Indeed, before or after he has a session with the kids' C, you should to the C as well. Talk about your fears. Ask about the frequent texting and phone calls from you on STBX's days with the kids. Ask about whether it is more harmful to disrupt their R with their father or to allow them to transition to a blended family too quickly.

TAKE A BREAK from managing STBX and try to get some objective perspective on this. See where you are after S, STBX, and YOU have all met with the C.

Then, if it seems appropriate, take what C tells you and talk to your L. Then, try to change the agreement if it makes sense to do so.

This wrestling with STBX is not helping anyone. It is unproductive and is truthfully starting to sound like hounding. If you disrupt the D process you risk making things worse for you and the kids. If you are going to make the D ugly, he may as well too. If you can change the agreement, he can too. Maybe he'll require zero contact between you and the kids on his days. Who knows what he'll decide to try to add to the agreement.

You have got to let go of this for a few days and see how things work out after C. I know it is hard. I know that you are 100% right that STBX should be doing things differently with the kids. But this obsessing and controlling behavior is NOT going to help you or the kids. Let everyone see the C. Get an objective opinion on how best to proceed. See the L. THEN finalize your strategy. Flailing around in a tantrum right now risks closing some of your options and narrowing your choice of strategies. TAKE A BREAK. GET SOME OBJECTIVITY. DON'T HURT YOURSELF OR YOUR KIDS.

[cat03]

..r where I thought I might have to GO BACK to court in order to get them with me more, it passed. I figure there will be ebbs and flows in this as time moves on, but in the end I'm sure it will settle down. She told me once that we had different parenting styles (of course we didn't pre-sep & divorce)

thanks for reminding me this too shall pass and hopefully we'll find a happy medium.

It's hard to be objective when I see my son cry OT, it is not about me controlling all or having the upper hand, whatever will work for the best of my kids that's what I will do, obviusly him and I differ on what's best.
We did agree that we sorely needed the C to talk to both of us, for him to see how s10 is being affected, for me to learn the best way to deal with this.

So he calls me from the mediator/L and he is SUPER nice, I mean, fooled me for a while, talked how he "started on teh wrong foot about this, how his feelings are hurt that his kids don't want him, that he was afraid I was taking them away from him..." for a while I wanted to cry and say "NOW you get it?", but I just remained calmed, he actually said he was willing to work with the mediator again to see if we come to an agreement about visitation and our son, after talking to the C.
He was ssoooooooooo calm and serene, talking in the lowest tone of voice I've ever heard since this mess got started. Anyways, he kept talking how he didn't want to force kids, he wanted to be with him and make sure visitation was ok in case he got a bigger house and moved, yada yada... (which by the way, if we do indeed go back to mediation, I have to put there that kids have to stay in my district)

Later on he calls me, and I told myself not to go back to the same ol' merry go around, it was hard for he kept saying "but what is his problem? it's just a new partner, her kids are not monsters, you are projecting your feelings on him and that's why he is so negative with me" ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH damn it, I am NOT , I know gf is convincing him of this, why didnt' I do that earlier then? during the months after the separation? whatever, he thinks it's me poisoning him.
I told him the C will talk to both of us, because we will never agree, he just kept going back to what a good father he was, that (not that I cared) the gf's boy's father didnt' see him and here I was fighting him to keep son away.

PHLUASE, what does he want? a father of the year award????

Something is up, but whatever it might work out for the best since he is playing reasonable, let's see how long that lasts, he says the mediator will not be his L if I fight him on this, so he rather work it out with me in a nice way (he kept repeating it when he was at the guys' office), he wants it all go smoothly, and the guy told him I dont' have to sign anything now (ha! I wasn't going to anyways).

We'll see, the mediator/L prob told him I can make things very difficult and draw this out for a few months, and for some specific reason he wants this D asap.

He's going to C with son on Sat, and I'll talk to her next week, we'll see what happens.

[oldtimer]

Cat,

Trust me, I know you only want what is best for your kids and that you have a better idea than STBX does of how to get that for them. I keep repeating what I've been saying because your current methods may very well needlessly interfere with your goals.

OK, here's the GOOD news:

STBX wants very much for this to go smoothly and quickly, AND he says he is willing to listen to the C. This is excellent. Again, give him a chance to do so. Stop pushing, then take what the C says to the mediator and get the best deal for your kids. He seems VERY motivated to get the D done without further ado, for whatever reason (I sincerely hope it is not a bun in the oven just yet, but rather simple pressure from GF to get D. He probably lied to her about his marital status at some point.). No matter the reason, HIS WANTING TO PLAY NICE TO GET THE D OVER WITH IS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. If you can keep him in that place, you have the best chance of getting the changes you want in the custody agreement, if your requests are reasonable and supported by the C.

Here's the BAD news:

STBX is CLEARLY starting to balk as a result of the pressure from you. If he decides he is in for a fight, FIGHT he will. And, he will be in a MUCH less cooperative mood and MUCH less generous mood than when he made the initial agreement. If this happens, you will likely wind up in a worse place than you are now.

CONCLUDING recommendation: remains the same... LEAVE HIM ALONE. Wait to see the C, then take that info to the mediator/L. BE VERY SELECTIVE in what you ask for. TREAD LIGHTLY. If you aren't incredibly careful about choosing your battles now, working for changes in the agreement could really blow up in your face.

[cat03]

I hear you OT, this is a whole new ball of wax and I am trying to learn how to handle this, and obviously I need to learn a few things more.
I have now pinpointed the reason why I'm feeling so anxious: it's my "rock bottom" phase. I've been feeling a bit hopeless, resentful and to be honest, jealous of the life he's planning with her that he could've had with me.. I'm going back to the past and trying to make sense, of who/when and what, how much was it my fault, his fault... going over the ifs and what would've been and sickening myself with such thoughts..

I had to admit that to myself in order to get out of this funk, I am putting my resources together again, gathering all the knowledge that helped me get over him when the legal sep. happened. Above all, I'm trying to remember that my worries have separated me from that peace God was giving me, that my fretting and doubtfulness have made me a worrisome wreck.
I dont' want to be tied to stbx by thinking so much about him and his new life/partner. I want to be free again and happy, I want to think of my children more.
This morning there were several wonderful messages I heard online, one was about believing that God will turn what is a liability into an asset, and that God will restore the years the locust ate. About being a book that my children will read one day, and what will they see? a woman grumbling and brooding about her ex and his new life? or a woman who loves her life as it is and through God able to go through anything and still be a happy woman, mother, friend.
I want them to be proud of me, I want to live a life without resentment.

I'll get back on the wagon now guys, it's been one of those weeks.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, the C told stbx not to force to be with him, so son will be with me most of the time for now, that it wouldnt' be necessary to change visitation legally, only modify it for the time being. C is confident that with time s10 will feel better and that she'll help him deal with the anger he feels right now. It made me so sad to hear that my s10's main goal was to have me and stbx back together, that all along before gf showed up he kept askign stbx when was he moving back, I had no idea...
Perhaps I said it wrong or should not have said it, but I had a talk with s10 and told him that adults change, and that his dad's feelings changed for me and that I did not want to be with the person stbx had become, but that that shouldnt' stop him from getting close to his dad, that nothing will make me happier than to know that s10 would have a good R with him.

I'm taking s10 to C this week, and perhaps I'll learn when to shut my mouth or say something to my son.

[Aud31]

(((Cat))) Hey, this is hard stuff. You are amazing, and you will be the woman you want to be--I have NO DOUBT. Learning new roles means falling down a few times. It's the getting back up and moving onward that makes all the difference. Love and prayers for you, hon.

[oldtimer]

YAY CAT!!!

Sounds like you found a good C for your son and that STBX is starting to be a bit more reasonable. Keep in mind that informal changes aren't going to be legally enforceable. That could be fine, just be aware of it.

I think the talk you had with your son sounds great, especially this part: "that nothing will make me happier than to know that s10 would have a good R with him."

Great idea to quit obsessing about someone else's life and someone else's R. You are the important one here

[cat03]

thanks girls, still holding afloat here, have my two kids today, feels different but nice we'll go out to eat and watch a movie at home. Im betting donkey didn't tell him the boy is coming next week, s10 needs all the heads up he can get, so I'll tell him today.

[runningoutoftime]

My positive thoughts and prayers are with you Cat. I believe that being a great mom and being 100% supportive and available for your children when they are with you will help them through this transition.

You might want to stop at a library, or book store, and spend some time looking through books about helping children deal with divorce. You may find some additional ideas.

Don't envy your H's life. Keep in mind, he has to deal with someone else's kids who probably won't be so thrilled about living with him, and may have their own dad somewhere in the picture making things difficult. The whole thing is ugly and you just need to stay sane, try to keep your own life drama-free, and be supportive for your children (which I know you'll do because you are a great mom!!!).

[cat03]

thanks baby, fighting the bad thoughts today, I need to kick my anxiety to the curb. Donkey has taken almost everything out of my house, tells me all that is left is trash and that he has no time to pick that up-- great-- at least he did take 90% of everything, so I'm just not going to fight about that and get rid of what's left. Of course he did take gf there, it slipped 2x when he called me today, stupid me argues about that but I drop it after a few secs., not worth it, his crap is out.

Of course $ must be tight since he is changing his mind about son being with me/sitter, that he thinks it's unfair he has to pay to sitter when he should be with him, that why is that his fault....ARGHHHHHH, I reminded him that we OBVIOUSLY disagree about who's fault is it and that $ shouldnt' be an issue but how s10 feels, donkey keeps mentioning that issue as "quote quote he's feeling bad". Jack@ss, guess gf tells him he shouldnt' have to pay. Well, guess after the humoungous plasma they bought and his 350$ cell bill (stupid cell co. keeps sending me his receipts online despite him calling to erase my email from their records).

Anyways, guess 2 weeks is two weeks, the week after next son is off school, dont' know how's that going to work, if my d5 will b with donkey the whole day without her brother, specially since her son will be living there already. Will bring that up to s10's C tomorrow.
I got a book about healing and kids root, guess I need more help than I thought.