Trying2Live-Post #6

[AlexEN]

Wow... I've heard almost everything on that list from my W!

It is truly scary how precise the "script" is.

[AlexEN]

I've gotten every one of these, yet she denies now that there is even an EA!

1. I love you but Im not in love with you
2. I have been unhappy in this marriage for a long time
3. The kids will be fine if we get a divorce as long as we remain friends (for their sake)
4. I just dont feel that way about you any more
5. The OP (other person) has nothing to do with the way I feel about you now
6. You are a wonderful person, we just arent meant to be together
7. I am just confused, this has nothing to do with you [I only got this one when she was ostensibly trying; she isn't confused any more, she knows D is only way]
8. I am doing the best I can,I just cant decide what I want
9. I need some time/space to sort all of this out [Maybe before, but now she's sure]
10. I need some time/space to find myself [Maybe before, but now she's sure]
11. I am so tired of feeling this way!
12. Cant you just accept that it is over?
13. Why are you being nice to me when I do not deserve it?
14. [Before we were married, you were always there for me; since then] You have never been there for me
15. I am going to file for divorce, I just dont have the money/time/strength, etc right now
16. [More or less...] I am not going to change the way I feel, why dont you move out and file for divorce
17. The children will learn to love the OP like I do
18. I cant help myself
19. Nothing you do will ever make me love you that way again
20. My happiness has to be my number one priority
21. I will DEFINITELY divorce you if you expose to anyone or confront the OP22. You never listened to me BEFORE now; quit acting like you hear me NOW!

This is so disheartening...

-AlexEN

[Silver Fox]

The ones that have just slayed me are:

1. I'm doing the best I can
2. This has nothing to do with the OW
3. You aren't losing me - I'll always know where you are
4. Maybe in 2 years we can re-marry, people do it all the time

And, ready?, When I pressed him on what fundamental things he was talking about when he said we were different?
Drum roll please........ 5.You don't like to watch as much TV as I do

[hope3343]

So SF, if you want to become a "couch potato" you could win your H back. Unbelievable the things they say...

Good to talk T2L. Today is another tough one. Don't want to take up your stich but H switched his banking acct. to another one and did not tell me and now since our bank is out of state I cannot transfer the money into ours to pay small things like the mortgage, taxes etc. What a dumbo...I will give full details on "losing my sanity" which I have.

[hope3343]

Hi, I saw this in newcomers posted on a site. I thought it was very good.

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

[Trying2live]

Alen,
I got most of this information from a book highly recommend that is geared solely for Adultery. Consider getting it. Its called Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. It would give you a very good game plan.

[Trying2live]

Silver,
Sounds lame but it comes from Fog land and is all fog babble. I'll try to get some info posted about fog babble and things you can say in response. Have you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley in addition to DR? Its a great companion book.

[AlexEN]

T2L,

Silver,
Sounds lame but it comes from Fog land and is all fog babble. I'll try to get some info posted about fog babble and things you can say in response. Have you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley in addition to DR? Its a great companion book.

Your thoughts on "things to say in response" would be a great post for Silver (and me )

Thanks,

-AlexEN

[hope3343]

T2L, stop by my sitch, worried H is getting ready to ask for D. Hiding accts. -- another sign.

[Trying2live]

Okay here is the reverse babble stuff I got for you. Its from a person named Orchid(pen name for forum) on Marriagebuilders.com a forum for Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. I am in Plan B and on the forum under infidelity with the same name Trying2live. Here's the reverse babble stuff.......
WS-Walkaway Spouse
RS: Betrayed Spouse

Examples of reverse babble: by Orchid

WS: I need my own space.

Reverse babble (RB): Yes you do.

WS: I love you but I am not in love with you.

RB: Yes, me too.

WS: You need to move on.

RB: Yes I do. Here is a list of what I need.
1. All bills paid
2. New home, new furniture, etc.
3. New car
4. All Ens met for entire family
5. Children's education all paid for
6. Guaranteed alimony for life
7. Guarantee that you will never be difficult
to deal with.
8. WS meet with Steve/Jennifer or MC and
then show family how WS will keep the
family safe from any harm.
9. WS guarantee he/she will be there to
support family through good times and bad
10. WS never demand anything other than what
the family requests.
11. WS not put demands on family or stress them
out in any way shape or form.

Please share some of the comments you have received and 'we' may be able to give a 'sample' RB response or 2.

Part of reverse babble is to agree, then present something while the WS may be in a state of confusion or wonderment (shocked or confused at your being agreeable). Get in your point and them exit ASAP. Don't say too much. Sometimes I used to nod yes and say no or visa versa. Sounds silly? Well my H was sooo much in the fog, he would just shake his head and walk away. About 2 hours to 2 weeks later I would get a response.

I learned not to take his babble to heart. Eventually I learned to put back some of his responsibility on him.

example:

WS: Go get the D. I don't want to be married to you anymore.

RB: Me too. Go get the D.

WS: Why won't you talk to me? (I was in plan B). Don't you love me?

RB: Hm.... I don't know. Let me get back to you on that.

WS: Where is all the $$ I gave you?

RB: I don't know.

WS: Do you want me to come back?

RB: I don't know.
WS: You are so fat, if you lose weight I will come home.

RB: I do have some weight to lose but when I do, I am not sure if I would still want you to come home.

WS: Be a real human.

RB: I am. I have been wondering about you.

WS: You cant come over to my house without permission.

NOTE: This is not reverse babble this is a challenge. Do NOT respond to this. Just nod.

WS: I cant trust you.

RB: Yes, I can't trust you.

WS: You ruined my life.

RB: Yes, you did ruin our lives.

WS: You ruined your life.

RB: Yes, you did ruin our lives.
NOTE how this is the same response.

WS: Your dad had to get you a job, and you have an mba.

RB: Yes he did and it is a good one. He certainly made a good choice. I'll have to tell him thanks. Thanks for reminding me.

WS:I love you. I dont know why I love you, I just do.

RB: You are right, I don't know why I love you also.

WS: She is just a friend (ow number 2)

RB: Wow, with friends like that, why are you out there making enemies? I did give this answer.

WS: I was plan ning on leaving way before the A...

RB: Why didn't you?

WS: I told you I was leaving you for a year.

RB: Leaving for? or Me or your other W?

WS: I never want to live with you again.

RB: Right now, I can see why you would not want to live with caring people anymore.

WS: We can stay married and live apart.

RB: Ok, right after you can show me how to sleep in 2 beds in 2 different homes at the same time. Similar incident, I gave the above response.

WS: This is for the good of the kids.

RB: You certainly are entitled to your opinion. When the children are older, I will share your words of stupidity with them. It will hurt but you are certainly entitled to your opinion. This one happened to me

WS: Just move on with your life.

RB: I am.

WS: You are crazy.

RB: ...and you have been a good teacher.

WS: I might go to counseling if you start to act normal.

RB: I already have. When is your appointment?

WS: It was never the same with ow as you.

RB: I am glad to hear that.

WS: Where did you get those shoes?

NOTE: This is NOT babble. Just answer his question. Don't act like he said it with sarcasism.

WS: I can never live in our house again, there are too many bad memories.

RB: Good idea. When will you be able to get us another home? This one happened to me
WS: Do you know how easy you made it for me to leave!

RB: Yes you did.

WS: We were just friends but now it's much more than that.

RB: Your knack for picking trashy friends is getting better!
WS: I just do not think I can do this anymore. As much as it hurts me as well, I do not think I have it in me to fight.

BS: Me too. Just can't do this and losing the will to fight.
"What part of I don't want to be married to you don't you understand?"

"I agree. Wanting to be married and being married are not the same."

"I don't want to be with you anymore, I want a divorce."

"I agree. Not getting what you think you want can make you want it more."

what part of i dont want to be married to you dont you get/
BS: The when part.
ws: huh?

BS: You know, when....when did you not want t/b married to me?

I don't want to be with you anymore, I want a divorce
BS: You're right, I don't want to be with you 2. When R U going to get it?