Had our party last night. It was fun although not as many people showed up as had said they were coming so we've got a ton of food and a barrel of booze left over. But I guess we won't have to grocery shop for a while.
W's boss came like she said she would. I've know G for probably 20 years. When she first started with our company we worked on a couple projects together. I've always enjoyed her company so we spent a good deal of time talking. My BIL/SIL came. They live in Oregon and flew in for the holiday's on Friday. It was great seeing them. Our boys had a blast. S16 was the life of the party, as always. W's friend M and her H came. I've found it interesting that lately W has been talking to me about what a jerk M's H is, how he's so controlling, etc and I just have to laugh. It can either be good that W see's I'm not so bad afterall and bad in that both W and M bit*h about their H's when they're together, but who cares about that? I spent some time talking to M and her H and I really wish I could read minds because it'd be interesting to know what M thinks vs. what she's been told by W.
W and I went out to pick up some things for the party yesterday morning and ended up buying a ton more than we'd set out to buy. But a lot of it was stuff pointing towards a future for us. Guess we'll see on that one.
Later in the evening, W, SIL and I were talking while BIL and the boys were watching a movie. Man, BIL is approaching 40, an attorney with the IRS and still the biggest kid around. Anyway, SIL had too much to drink so she was getting into the deep conversations about living life, loving those around you, etc and W just sat there listening. I'm sure it had to help W along, but not for me to worry about.
W slept in bed with me last night, but only because BIL/SIL slept on the sleeper sofa where W usually spends her nights. Our new bed frame should be here in the next couple weeks, so we'll see what happens when it shows up.
Today we're all going to go to a sports bar (not sure about S16 though, he might go to a friends house) to watch some NFL games. BIL is a Browns fan (I know, right? Pretty sad) and the rest of us are going to watch the Steelers kick some Titan butt.
Then a couple days of work and off until after the first of the year. Can't wait for that.
Hope everyone has their shopping done. Talk to ya soon.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Oh, and one more interesting thing. EGF didn't show up last night. She sent W a TM right before the party and said her BF had got called into work so she wasn't coming.
W said "sounds like an excuse to me. I kind of figured she'd do this".
Hmmmmm....trouble in EGF land?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
H4U, I've been in the same situations. Whenever my W and I would attend social events; if I wasn't ignored, I was belittled. Although she would always play it off as trying to cute and funny. I think it was her way of telling her friends that I wasn't what she really wanted and at the same time placating me by, at least, introducing me to others. It's a big blow to your self-esteem.
Whenever I would mention how I felt, she would brush it off by making nice with me. BTW, this was usually done in conjunction with drinking, so I stopped going out and drinking with her to save myself the abuse.
Dear Married Crazy, this is completely unacceptable! A woman/wife needs to be put in her place and good when she shows disrespect for her husband like that. It is not cute nor funny and it usually makes others feel uncomfortable if they are worth anything. The same goes for a husband that would make his wife the butt of his jokes at a party. I would get her undivided attention about that and let her know that it better never happen again.....and drinking is no excuse. If she can't behave while drinking, then she doesn't need to do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi H4U, hope things continue to go well throughout the holidays. I agree 100% that your W changing office locations has a lot to do with the "triggers" about OM. And, the longer she can stay away from any of that and stop any contact with him, the closer she will come around toward you. It will take her longer than you want it to, but that is just how it is.
As far as her not introducing you at the party.....have you ever noticed her doing that before OM came along or are you more sensitive now and notice these things more? I am thinking that she has probably always had things "all about her" but you are naturally noticing it much more now than before.
I have worked with people and gone to church with people that certainly can put on a different personality in different situations or places, so it is quite possible that she is like that, but I would not write off your wondering about it. Maybe it still has a lot to do with the "fog". I know it seems that WAW/MLC seem to blame everything on the fog and that seems to be the easy way out.....but trust me....it isn't easy. It is darn hard fighting your way though that fog and trying to see reality again. A lot of it depends on how hard she is fighting to get through it. If she doesn't realize what is happening, then she won't even know to fight against it. When I came on the DB board and started reading about the symptons of MLC and even though I was past what was considered mid-life in age......I still had all the signs, so after everything I read, I started (eventually) trying to dig my way through the fog. At times, I did not want to, but with people here that did not give up on me....I have finally made it and can think better and see reality. That is what is scary--is to think how blind I was to reality and so caught up in my own fantasy.
Anyway, I hope by the time you get ready to move, she will have changed her mind and will go also. The fact that she is talking about a future together, I think, is a good sign. I am going by the fact that most WAW's do not want to even think about a future with the man they no longer can stand to be around and won't put on an act to even pretend to talk about a future. Now that is just me....maybe there are some that can do that, but I don't know what their purpose would be to do it.
BTW. just out of curiosity, have you ever been sorry for exposing the A to the children? Have you been sorry for telling anyone else? How has the R between her and the kids been? Has she seemed ill at ease around friends that know?
Well, just wanted to stop in and see about you. Hope all goes well.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi. Thanks for the post. In your honor I'll make it a long one
Let's see....I don't remember her not introducing me at parties prior to this, but then again, before we relocated we worked in the same office complex so pretty much the only time I wouldn't know her co-workers was when she would take a new position, but she would introduce me to those people when we'd run into them the first time. I don't know if I'm making too much out of that or not. It didn't seem to be anything she did intentionally. It didn't bother me too much when she wouldn't introduce me so much as it would when her co-workers would introduce themselves and W would say "oh yeah, this is H4U". Not her H, just kind of blasé, "this is H4U".
She was definitely putting on a different show with her co-workers than she was with me and the people I work with at her Refinery. Don't know if you've read it or not, but in my job I have some responsibilities at the Refinery she works at, so I have a number of peer's there that she doesn't normally have contact with, so when we'd talk to them, she was her "normal" self, where as when we were talking with the people she works directly with every day she was putting on the different personality. And I'm not sure why. It was like it was an act where when we were alone or talking to my peers she was normal. I do think she's created this image with the people she works with and has to keep that image with them, but when we're alone or with my peers she can be herself. It's got to be tiring to remember which show you're supposed to be putting on at any one time.
You're right, she's talking about the future more and more. Latest thing is us getting another dog. Our dog is a Lab and 10 years old and starting to show his age. Over Christmas she and S16 started talking about getting a puppy and all that goes with it. The last couple years, since about the time the A started she's been really angry about our dog. Hates the shedding, hates letting him out, hates feeding him, etc. But just lately she's getting back to how she was with the dog prior to us moving and her A. Don't know if there's any connection with her attitude about the dog and her WAW/MLC situation and the anger that goes with it, but she's definitely changed her tune as far as the dog goes and now she wants to get another puppy.
One thing that does concern me is that she won't read any books or come to places like DB to try and understand what she's going through and possibly how to get through this. I've offered to her many times the books I've read and these type sites and Retro but she just simply refuses. I wonder some times if she refuses these types of things because that would mean she might, just might, have to take a hard look at herself and her part in all this instead of just hanging on to the idea that it's ALL MY FAULT. That's easier for her to live with. I posted a quote a while back from a Dr that said many times people create this fantasy (it's the ole martial rewrite) and refuse to let go of it because to face THEIR responsibility in the mess would require them to face the fact that they did something so hurtful. So all I can do is keep giving her the time and space to figure it out as long as I can, and if she won't/doesn't work through this before I lose the energy to fight any longer, I'll become the WAS. And I wonder if me becoming the WAS is what it will take for her to figure it out. But then it might be too late for me huh?
No, I'm not sorry I told the kids. Not in the least. I wish I'd have told them sooner. S16 really suffered for longer than he needed to because HE KNEW what was going on but felt like he couldn't say anything to me because what if he was wrong? And he KNEW what was going on when W would take off for the weekends to go spend them with OM. His grades really suffered. And he became such an angry young man which is so unlike him. Our first year here he had a 3.6 gpa. After W started running around and then taking off for the weekends his gpa dropped to a 2.3. After I told him what was going on and the A ended and W seems to be defogging, his gpa is back up to a 3.4. He's commented to me a number of times about his "angry" period which surprise, surprise, coincided with her A. I mean, W invited him to go to a college football game with her and OM one time. And W sat on a bench at Disney World talking to OM for a half hour with him sitting right there and when S16 asked who she was talking to she replied "a friend from work". S16 said to her "yeah, right" and W was so deep in the fog that she then called OM again the next day with S16 standing right there. S20 was kind of insulated from it all since he was away at school. He and S16 talked many times about the trouble at home, but S16 never told S20 what he suspected. It just breaks my heart to know what he went through, all the crap he kept bottled up inside. And W would do everything she could to undermine my relationship with S16. If I was having a bad day/week because W had just got back from a weekend with OM or was planning a weekend with him, she would say to S16 things about me and how depressed I was and stuff like that. Purposely trying to undermine my relationship with him. So, no, I'm not sorry in the least I told them. And I firmly believe that without my telling them what was going on, she would still be talking divorce and trying to arrange meets with OM. I've written this before, but S16 shredded W when I told him what was going on. And I think that was the thing that finally burst her little fantasy bubble. Will our marriage make it? Don't know, and if it doesn't and we divorce and she moves on to a new relationship, I can live with that, but there was just no way I was going to allow this POS OM in my kids lives without them knowing the truth about him, that he's an alcoholic, abusive, serial cheating POS.
Funny thing I've come to realize lately. When we relocated, W's boss was a single lady. This lady always would eat lunch with OM and another guy. W got in on that action and 5 months later was in bed with OM. But what I've realized is that W's A with OM started within a week or so of her boss relocating to Texas for work. And I've thought about some comments W made back then about her boss and OM and such and I am coming to the idea that there's a pretty good possibility that her boss was sleeping with OM too. And OMW is pretty sure that within a month or so of OM moving from our location to his new work location 250 miles away, that he had another GF. And back last fall I saw some TM's between W and OM that with info I have from OMW makes a pretty strong case that it's true. So it just kind of makes sense that with W's boss relocating and W's A with him beginning shortly after that OM is one of those wonderful people that always has to have a woman in his clutches and once W's boss moved, he set his claws into W.
I only out right told 3 other people (my brother, D, our good friend who had an A of her own years ago that W helped D work through and a friend of mine in our hometown who's H had multiple A's on her and is getting divorced) . Are there others who figured it out on their own? Yes. It's not hard to figure out when you tell someone that you're having martial difficulties. Like my Admin says "there's really only one thing that puts a man in such a funk when you're talking martial problems". And she's right. And my Admin was telling me W was screwing around months before I was ready to believe it.
Yes, she's been very ill at ease around people that know. But I really think that a lot of the progress we've made lately is because she's seeing that those people are not treating her any differently. Our very good friends that we went to Disney with in Oct (who W told the W of the couple of her A), my brother and SIL who have treated W in a stellar fashion the couple times we've been around them since W started re-engaging with family/friends, etc seems to have let her see that we can have a future where she won't be an outcast because of her A. And it's funny that as she's becoming more involved with our families and TRUE friends, the EGF has slid more and more to the sidelines.
Christmas was really good. I bought W a number of presents that she really liked, but I felt bad because S16 asked W what she got for me and W replied "when we bought our bed a couple months ago that was supposed to be our Christmas present to each other". And she's right. That was the agreement we made when we bought the bed, and I TOTALLY forgot about that agreement. I pulled W aside and told her I was sorry, that I'd honestly forgot about that and I wasn't trying to make her look bad. And she accepted that and didn't seem to hold it against me. I didn't go hog wild on gifts for her. Got her a couple of tickets for a concert in January to which she said she almost bought me, but then remembered our agreement and decided she would get them for my birthday in Jan. I got her a couple of small things, one of which she'd made a comment a couple months ago about and she really laughed that I even remembered that little off hand comment she'd made when she opened it. I did by a Baker's rack for out kitchen for her. We'd looked at it a number of times at this little shop near us the last 6 months and she smiled and thanked me a number of times for that gift.
We just had a really good Christmas. Yesterday morning when I came downstairs I went down to feed the dog and normally W heads upstairs to continue sleeping for a while before I get back upstairs from feeding the dog, but when I came up she was standing at the top of the stairs just looking at me. It was like she really wanted to say something, but couldn't bring herself to.
So yesterday we went out and did a little shopping and driving through Amish country and were just having a good day. Towards the end of our tour we drove past a Harley shop and there were a number of motorcycles out since it's crazy warm here for Dec and W kind of changed. I'd bet my retirement that she triggered for OM because he is a motorcycle rider. I'm fairly sure she went on rides with him during her A. So I'm pretty sure that it hit her when we saw all the motorcycles out yesterday. We got home and she was more quiet. She was still fine with me, but definitely more down. But it really didn't bother me too much because where in the past she'd be down for days after something like that, by the time she'd got back from dropping S16 off at the movies, she seemed to have gotten past the trigger, although not completely.
Ok, I've rambled long enough. I guess when you only post every few days the posts get longer.
Thanks for checking in on me.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Have you set a exact date of you and your sons's move yet? The way things are going your wife will most likely ask not to move after this semester but after the summer. It also sounds like your wife is continuing to sleep on the couch even after the arrival of the new bed. The water bed(slept in for 20+ yrs)but now giving her a bad back excuse can't be used anymore. At some point all the cards need to be thrown on the table.
The new bed is not here yet. The mattress/box is, but the frame is custom made and isn't here yet. When we ordered it they said 8-12 weeks and next week is the 8th week so it should be in the next few weeks when it shows up. I'm pretty confident that when it does show up, she'll sleep in it with me. We spent a couple nights in a hotel over Christmas and she slept with me. And it was a smaller bed and I have pretty broad shoulders and there was some contact during the night and she didn't jerk away from it or anything like that.
So whether she doesn't want to sleep in the water bed because it really is uncomfortable to her or because she and OM spent some time in it and it freaks her out really doesn't matter. She obviously doesn't have a problem sleeping in bed with me, just OUR bed, for whatever reason.
And you're right, it will be thrown on the table when the job relocation happens, just don't know what that date is yet.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
