hey t,i always tried to read your posts because i know they come from the heart and you are a little rough around the edges. i have a couple of friends that you remind me of. please trust me when i tell you that i felt the same way that you do. nothing you say here is new to me...i've felt it and read it on other threads...hell i even lived it when my best friend's wife left him eight years ago. BUT ...you knew there was a BUT didn't you, you need to mellow out. You would be better off if you stopped focusing on your W. Is it easy? Fu## no! For your kids sake and for yours...try to relax. i think your number one goal should be to become friends with her again...because if you do not get there the rest (if you are still interested) is unattainable. So when Kerry says act as if, act as if she can not affect you, act as if she is a sick friend if you have to...but act like a friend even though she does not act like one. When she does send you a nice e-mail regardless of her ulterior motives, be nice back...someone has to make the first move, why not you T?
she claimed in her reply to you that there was "nothing she could do". that is false. there are things she could do. also about the whole "can't force feelings" thing .
there ARE things she can do but you have to mention what they are. maybe she really doesn't know.
if you can come up with some SHORT reply to her email quoting those bits ot her email perhaps you could get somewhere. maybe reference a specific book that addresses marriage reconciliation strategies.
sometimes peole will respond to short stuff, where they might tune out longer things.
Do you have any recommendations of something I should suggest to her?
I did say that people go through these situations all the time. I never asked her to force her feelings, but to research what she's going through. Many feel as she does, but have patience, figure out the issues, fall back in love, and have much better relationships than they ever have. I asked her to research ilybnilwy.
Anyway, I'm sure the friendship approach is the best long erm solution. But maybe on her xmas vacation she might read a short book. Any suggestions?
By all means you can suggest that your W does some reading, but at this moment in time I don't think it is about her, I think it is about you and your issues (and I use issues in the politest sense).
I think you need to get back to basic DB principles and work on you. What could you do to make you a happy person, what could you do to make yourself an attractive prospect. What could you do to make yourself someone W wants to hang with.
Could you loose the anger, hurt, bitterness, and frustration you are feeling. Could you respond to W with kindness when she is obviously being mean to you. Could you respond to her without sarcasm, when she's being nice for her own gain. Can you accept her current situation and remain friendly. These are you issues and the things you need to deal with.
John210 has just past the stage that you are in so listen to him he talks from experience and with sense. My view is you can't make W read something and then she suddenly wises up on the mistakes she has made, but you can improve you and hope it turns her head in your direction, read the latest on Kerry K and see how things can turn.
As cr@p as it sounds you have to be the one to make the first move and do all of the work. Other wise you will be permanently in the situation you are in now and the mistake your W thinks she has made now won't seem like a mistake at all.
Come on T, turn the tide and make that move.
Lanzo
PS
Quote:
I'm have really been thinking all night. What does "rough around the edges" mean?
You tell it as it is a don't sugar coat things for W
"Could you loose the anger, hurt, bitterness, and frustration you are feeling. Could you respond to W with kindness when she is obviously being mean to you. Could you respond to her without sarcasm, when she's being nice for her own gain. Can you accept her current situation and remain friendly. These are you issues and the things you need to deal with." Good advice Lan IF it works. In some cases showing the W you need her by trying to be "friends" will cause her to dig her heals in some more or see thru' the acting "as-if" or think that he finally is making it easier for me to D. In Kerry's case when he clearly dumped W for G40 she wanted back - taking that train trip to 'think' and months of Kerry's "strength and honor" did squat. I'd say staying calm and detaching from the drama and acting "as if" you don't give a FU&? may be the first step. And *actually* not giving a FU&? is probably the best solution to this problem. While T may have some "issues" most of these WAW don't have the desire to stay married regardless of the "work" put in on their behalf.
I see we both speak from our own experiences and from different ends of the spectrum,so it's good we can offer T our varid opinions. I think you are right that if a WAW is determined to go, well she's gone. However if T wants to turn things round i think it's clear he needs to do somthing different cos what he is doing now isn't working. So if its "act as if" or kick her to the kerb and find a new partner or become her bestist buddy, somthing has to change.
I agree with your point that T acting as if he really didn't give a fook is a good step forward, but how close is he to that. I would also add that not giving a fook plus improving himself and his own well being will set him well on his way and he may find that he doesn't actually want W back anyway or she may come beating down his door wanting back in.
So I would say "Stop going down cheeseless tunnels", "Work on you", "Stop doing what doesn't work", "act as if", "Turn a few 180's" all DB cliches , but all basic DB principles.
It seems to me in remembering J210 and Kerry's situations that theirs only turned when they left her behind.....didnt matter what they did to them anymore, they just went about their business.
I believe I tried this over the summer. I totally left her alone. I havent been contacter her at all. But one thing I have done consistently is rode a hard bargain. I have always wanted her to realize or experience the consequences of being divorced just because she always believed it would be perfectly rosy for everyone involved. 'the kids will be fine', 'so and so's divorced worked out great', etc....
She is all over the place. Sometimes she's nice, apologetic. Sometimes she's attacking, mean, angry, temper, etc. Last night I saw this version of her. I think it's a reaction to me bringing up that she has admitted making a mistake.
Regardless...I think right now this is my plan. Focus on myself. However, sometime next week I am going to drop off that book at her house. I'm going to tell her I know she has been looking all over town for what to give me for xmas. And I'm going to tell her the present is for me is for her to read this book. I will be very nice about it. You guys are going to slash me up with swords over this I'm sure...but, I have my kids all next week, then she's taking them to maui the week after. maybe she'll read the book while she's there. I think I'll wrap it in a book cover so she'll feel comfortable reading the book without anyone noticing. Youre going to say this isnt focusing on myself. I have tried so hard to do this over the summer. I got nowhere with her. It may be that she is so far gone and determined, it doesnt matter what I do. But, I think she showed a crack in her armor by telling me she made a mistake and doesnt really know what to do. I think she showed a crack in criticizing my behavior. How I pry open that crack is the mystery.
Hey Tostada, I think in this last post, you sound as healthy as you have in months. Maybe she'll read the book, maybe she won't as long as you have no expectation in that direction, it will be OK.
