Please stop being so hard on yourself. Yes, there are things you could have done differently; but, there are also things your wife could have done differently. The important thing is that you are able to see those things, learn from them, and not repeat them in your next relationship, whether that is w/ your wife or someone else.
That's always the hard part, realizing that there WERE many things she could have done differently.
And holding her accountable for them, or at least giving them to her.
.... I also have been carrying a lot of guilt after Thursdays events with W because of some of the things she said, putting responsibility for everything on me, drinking, my depression and me not 'wanting her'.....
I hope that last Thursday will be the last time you ever allow her to lay the lie on your conscience.
Sure, you could have done things differently but the same is true of your wife.
50/50 Frank.
Don't try to carry her half.
Don't try to make her carry it.
Just tend to yourself.
If you do that properly, you won't have time to worry about what she is or isn't doing.
That's always the hard part, realizing that there WERE many things she could have done differently.
And holding her accountable for them, or at least giving them to her.
It is not your place to hold her accountable.
Pick up your 50% and leave the rest alone.
Life - this one OR the next - will lay her half on her in due time.
What I meant is 'giving' her 50% of the responsibility instead of keeping it to myself. Not actually telling her she is responsible, just letting go of half the responsibility.
D13 just called me in the intercom to ask me where we were going for dinner tonight. I had told her an hour or so ago that she and I should go out for dinner tonight.
Me: I hadn't decided yet, why do you ask?
D13: Because Mom just called and she was kind of annoyed that you and I were going out to dinner and I didn't know where we were going. She wants me to come down to 'her place' and help them decorate their Christmas Tree.
Me: Well, why don't you go there and help her decorate?
D13: Because I want to spend time with you and she can just wait since we already had plans?
Me: Ok, I thought it was going on right now and we could do dinner later.
D13: I think they're having dinner now and will be decorating later.
Me: well where would you like to go for dinner?
D13: XYZ, how about at 6? (an hour from now)
Me: Ok, then that's what we'll do.
We don't have our Christmas tree yet. We usually wait until 2 weeks before and keep it till new years.
I asked D13 if mom told her what time to come and she said "later". I said that makes it kind of hard to plan and she said "exactly" in an annoyed voice.
D13 and I had a nice dinner. Afterwards (around 7 pm) she wanted me to take her to Toys R Us to 'show me something interesting'.
I suggested that we go another time because her mom wanted her to come by for decorating. She said that she wanted to go to the store instead. So we did and she showed me the 'awesome' Transformer toys from the original series. She has all of it down and was telling me about each one, their story and their personalities. One in particular was her favorite, and it was $9.99 so we bought it.
Went home, by now it's 8pm. Her mom called and she told her she was too tired to come over.
9 pm I went to get D17. We're talking on the way home and she says her mom called her around 8:30 to come 'decorate' and she told her she was going home and going to bed.
I tried to to get them to go spend time with her, but they won't.
