You are STILL blaming your own personal failures on your wife's shortcomings.
No, I'm making a logical observation that under different circumstances things would have BEEN different. I don't blame her, I blame myself. I lived with my fears and hurt and only I could fix them - and I didn't. I think that IF I was in a relationship with someone who was stronger then THEY might have been able to give me the catalyst I needed. I think you mean the kick in the ass but I disagree that this is necessarily a "logical" observation. It still feels to me like too much stake is put in another person, ANY other person, for something that has to be handled by you. ALWAYS HAD TO BE! Perhaps my perception is off... That's all.
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If that's what we're all doing then I get to blame my crap on my mom and on the fact Jeff drank too much and just didn't understand me! OH GOODY! It's not MY fault I had a MLC! It's my mother's - she set me up for it! It's not MY fault I had an affair! My husband should have paid better attention to me and saw the warning signs that I might stray! It's not MY fault I treated a man that busted his ass to take care of me like dog crap! It's all HIS fault! He should have taken better care of me and I wouldn't have fallen!
That almost sounds like my W talking. THAT is sarcasm talking and I don't really think that sounds like your wife - at least nothing that's been relayed here.
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WHEN THE FLIP ARE YOU GONNA STOP IT - OWN YOUR SH*T - AND PRESS THE HELL ON THANKING GOD THAT TODAY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO STOP THE INSANITY???
Now. There is no way she will ever come back. OMG - this can not have anything at all to DO with her Frank. Something is amiss - something is gnawing at me and I can't put my finger on it. It's like you are still basing too many of your actions, thoughts, etc...on the things SHE says and does. "Well she says...therefore I must..." DUDE. YOU NEED TO WANT TO HELP YOURSELF and I am feeling that the only reason you are even remotely interested in doing that is because it MIGHT get some kind of positive response from HER. It's done. She 'loves' me but doesn't want me. Her friends have helped convince her that she will be happy some day, maybe get married again. There's nothing left but me. So, I need to start from scratch and rebuild me.
And yes, I don't blame her any more. It's pretty clear what happened and how I failed Knowing it and living ABOVE it are two different things. I hope you will rise above it . I know what I need to do to stop the insanity. Don't forget the part where you forgive yourself, Frank.
If I tell her to stop coming over on school mornings to make breakfast for the girls, and to invite the girls to go to HER 'place' when she wants to spend time with them she will hate me more. Or she will threaten me with legal action. Either way I am pushing her away.
But, in a way I am enabling her by letting her come over to be with the girls in MY / THEIR house.
Amy and others are right. I'm afraid I will lose her and I keep this connection with her as a way to feel like I have some control over this situation. My self esteem is crap and I'm living in fear. When I was angry at her it wasn't like that.
I got sucked into the pit when I was nice and she was nice.
I'm in control of me, my home and my life. Maybe she will divorce me but I'm not going to continue to let her have her cake and eat it too.
This time you need to do it just like every other survivor here has done it, frank.
You cut her loose and you do the WORK ON YOURSELF
You stop thinking everything is up the creek because your wife won't reconcile and see that you see how you messed up.
Well blah, blah, friggin BLAH. How many of us can sing that song?
What is the difference between you and everyone else here?
I'll tell you.
You busted your ass playing a role previously - not REALLY changing - and then your marriage was supposedly reconciled.
YAY.
But you messed up.
Instead of continuing to address issues you KNEW you had you hoodwinked yourself by letting yourself feel cocksure because your wife was home and then you spent your time counseling others on how to be the Authentic Male etc...etc...etc...and the truth was that you hadn't even done any of it yourself.
YOU HADN'T done the very thing you were counseling others to do.
You had not dealt with yourself - at your core.
You wanna know how I know, Frank?
Because that's EXACTLY what happened to me.
I spent more time here talking to others and trying to pick them up and the whole time, little by little, I was losing what little bit of a grip I had gotten on MY true self after my MLC.
Remember where that got me, Frank?
NOT dealing with my own demons?
DO YOU REMEMBER???
Oh, sure you probably aren't going to waltz your ass into the land of domination and submission in order to have your guilt assuaged by some sick bastard with a twisted mind but there are ALL KINDS of hell, Frank, and even if you choose to never leave the confines of your house they will find you.
Please don't run yourself ragged like I did (twice).
Truth is, Frank - all you've done is the window dressing.
And at the end of the day, every day, you are left with yourself and YOU HAVE STILL NOT dealt with your personal issues.
I'll tell you something else I know, too:
YOU are the one that's keeping yourself from moving forward.
It's YOU.
And even God - ESPECIALLY GOD - will not return a broken woman to a broken man.
You aren't gonna move an inch in any direction but DOWN unless you address your personal issues.
When you do that, and not until you do that, you will see through new eyes.
And THEN you will have been fully transformed (by the renewing of your mind).
And who knows what the world will hold in store for you then, Frank_D!
It would be at your fingertips.
But it won't happen until you cross this bridge.
And I'm real sorry but this is something you have to do on your own.
If you don't, you're likely to get sidetracked and cost yourself even more time.
There just ain't no other way.
If I knew a shortcut I'd tell you, Frank.
But I tried 'em all and they're all dead ends.
The only way outta this is THROUGH it.
Frank, you have gained a lot of wisdom in your time here. When God started opening your eyes to the truth about people and relationships He began a work in you.
The Word says He is faithful to complete it.
I'm here to tell you firsthand that you can delay the completion of that work to no end.
But His Word is Truth.
And you can not run far enough away or into any darkness black enough that He won't pull you out.
Eventually you will get tired of running in circles.
And that's when you will learn what it really means to stand.
Amy, you're so right. And I did see that you were doing what you said as far as giving to others but really avoiding yourself and your issues. I did exactly the same thing. I think it's because we are both so able to intellectualize things and we believe we can fix anything OUTSIDE ourselves.
There is a lot of us here that need to read that post. Frank you know she is right , its no easy though .
Good luck
Yes, I do. She is right. I've been stuck when I should be moving in the direction of dealing with the demons that have kept me down for so many years.
It really doesn't matter what W does any more. It matters what I do to get past my demons so I can live a decent life.
Like Amys H did, my W has given up on me. And she sees that she can get her 'needs' met by someone else. She believes I really didn't want her the past few years and maybe she's right. I didn't want anything that was 'my life'. I can't fix that, I really really can't, and I won't try any more.
The damage is done. I can fix myself and give my girls a decent life. Give myself a decent life. Enough is enough.
I spent some time last night thinking about how ashamed I am of myself. But also thinking that there was so much good in our marriage, in our family. so I'll focus on that and learn to live in my own skin as a probably divorced man. And I'll let go of the guilt and anger and fear.
The damage is done. I can fix myself and give my girls a decent life. Give myself a decent life. Enough is enough.
I spent some time last night thinking about how ashamed I am of myself. But also thinking that there was so much good in our marriage, in our family. so I'll focus on that and learn to live in my own skin as a probably divorced man. And I'll let go of the guilt and anger and fear.
starting today.
You make it sound like the end of a process.... It is only FINALLY the beginning. As long as you stop worrying about whats around the corner you won't drive off the road.
What you are going through, choosing to start, is life. It is something that most if not all DBers forget about durring "DBing". We forget that relationships/marriage/divorce or whatever is part of our life, not our life period. The Lord has strange and sometimes brutal ways of showing that everything is part of our life, the life HE gave us to live for Him. Whether we see it after a long road that ends with the admirable public choice to admit they are there and that you are choosing to fight them, or shutting down and getting angry and bitter and choosing solitude fight them on your own, at some point we all have to admit that those demons are there. Once we recognize them we can't move on until they are gone. Only then we start to live again. You can't install over a virus. I pray that I am right when I tell you that I really believe that this isn't another false start for you Dre. God brought all of us here for a reason....they say that at some point we consider ourselves lucky to get to these lows. The light gets brighter everyday.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
I guess in some ways after I played my 'role' to bring my W back from the edge of the abyss I lost what was left of myself. I became the WAS by withdrawing and falling into a severe depression.
I can totally understand how she would look at me, the man who 'stood for her' while she did so many destructive things, and was now falling even farther than before. I guess that kind of stress and hurt builds up until someone else walks into her life and treats her decently.
I understand how that would make you think that there is hope for a better life out there with someone else. Then after evaluating your life you'll 'see' how you were unhappy and felt unwanted. I felt the same way but for different reasons.
Anyway, I understand how she must feel. From January till now she has said and done a lot of crazy things but she has been consistent on one thing, and that is that we've been going through this stuff for too long and it has to end. Her solution is to separate and move on to our own lives.
I get that. I didn't address my issues and I waited for her to help me do what was MY work to do.
I understand that she doesn't want me any more. She still cares about me and thinks I'm a good man. It seems contradictory but I guess that's where you end up when you say 'enough, I can't do this any more'.
I understand that I can't love anyone until I love myself. I will treat myself better and continue to do the right thing.
I need to go dark / gray as well as I can. I need a break.
I guess in some ways after I played my 'role' to bring my W back from the edge of the abyss I lost what was left of myself. I became the WAS by withdrawing and falling into a severe depression.
I can totally understand how she would look at me, the man who 'stood for her' while she did so many destructive things, and was now falling even farther than before. I guess that kind of stress and hurt builds up until someone walks into her life and treats her decently.
I understand how that would make you think that there is hope for a better life out there with someone else. Then after evaluating your life you'll 'see' how you were unhappy and felt unwanted. I felt the same way but for different reasons.
Anyway, I understand how she must feel. From January till now she has said and done a lot of crazy things but she has been consistent on one thing, and that is that we've been going through this stuff for too long and it has to end. Her solution is to separate and move on to our own lives.
I get that. I didn't address my issues and I waited for her to help me do what was MY work to do.
I understand that she doesn't want me any more. She still cares about me and thinks I'm a good man. It seems contradictory but I guess that's where you end up when you say 'enough, I can't do this any more'.
I understand that I can't love anyone until I love myself. I will treat myself better and continue to do the right thing.
I need to go dark / gray as well as I can. I need a break.
It's not about her at this point anymore.... calling you in 5
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
