There was a time, not too long ago, that I could have written that post myself. Right down to the "company Christmas party."
This is all about HER still, right down to the tennis bracelet (makes HER look good, but still no rings) and her portraying you as her date.
I still don't see any movement. I see two great friends, each who is getting some different emotional and financial needs met from the other. But I don't see a husband and a wife. I'm sorry.
I have also heard my W describe activities that we have done together....but used "I" and not "we". Makes you feel invisible. Obviously I am not where you are in my sitch.....just saw some parallels....
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
You're spot on Pup, and that's what my struggle is. Doesn't really change anything with my plan, but I did need to vent a little and have my feelings validated a little. I guess I accomplished both.
54, Yes, I felt quite invisible. I almost felt bad for the people W was talking to because you could tell they were uncomfortable with me sitting/standing there and W not introducing me. Kind of made me feel pretty darn insignificant.
And that's where I don't know if my patients can last. I've felt insignificant for going on two years now (when the "friend" first started showing up in conversations). I feel like I'm just an means to the ends she's got cooked up.
I remember one time a year ago when W was hot and heavy in the A and I said to her something about ending it and working on the marriage and she said to me "This isn't all about you"! I replied, "Oh, I know this has nothing to do with me, If I wasn't thinking about everyone else but me, I'd have been gone a long time ago" and she just looked at me. And when I think about it, (and maybe this is my own fog talking), but I have a hard time remembering in our marriage when it wasn't all about her.
So am I beating my head against a wall when EVEN if she defogged and returned to her normal self, she would have this personality that was ok with me in the past, but now that the game has changed won't be for me?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
H4U, I've been in the same situations. Whenever my W and I would attend social events; if I wasn't ignored, I was belittled. Although she would always play it off as trying to cute and funny. I think it was her way of telling her friends that I wasn't what she really wanted and at the same time placating me by, at least, introducing me to others. It's a big blow to your self-esteem.
Whenever I would mention how I felt, she would brush it off by making nice with me. BTW, this was usually done in conjunction with drinking, so I stopped going out and drinking with her to save myself the abuse.
Same for me with the belittling!! Second class comes to mind....we have mutual married friends....W has said that H treats his W like a queen!! Why don't I do that!! She must have forgot about the knock down drag out fights we have witnessed....or the way they would talk to each other. She brought this couple up after bomb day though....fog talk!?
Hman Your comment about "splitting along time ago".....my W says this is the best she has ever felt...she is strong...she can do it by herself...etc etc. She has told me the exact date our M was over and her A started.....I told her....if you are so "strong"....why didn't you leave THEN and not once I found out and you have someone who "loves you" blah blah blah. You and I and spouses like us...WE are the strong ones!!!
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
Yesterday was a really good day. We decorated for Christmas, W was in the best mood I've seen in a long time. She was planning things to make for our Christmas party on Saturday. We were watching the Steelers handle the Ravens and W made dinner. While she was making dinner she must have been thinking, because after we ate she was a little different. Don't know if her great mood (and obviously enjoying my company) scared her or what, but she was not so upbeat and happy after. Not that she was in a bad mood or anything, but just different.
It seems like every time she has a really good day/week, there's a pull back of some type. But those seem to be getting smaller and smaller each time. So good progress right?
But I still struggle with everything being about her. Will that change as she continues to de-fog (if in fact that's what's going on)? Will she ever give me what I need in this marriage? That's the question that I struggle with every day.
Hope everyone has a good day. WE DESERVE IT!
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Just a quick observation: you have always blown off her not doing what you need as "just how she is". It apparently bothers you, whether it be a simple thank you or introducing you as her husband. She doesn't have a clue that those things bother you and won't unless you say something. You don't want to have put in all this time and effort and have it fall apart because you didn't say something do you?
You could bring it up calmly by saying that you enjoyed the party the other night but wondered why she didn't introduce you as her husband. It upset you and you would appreciate her not doing that in the future.
Just food for thought.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Just plugging along. W and I have been doing lots together, enjoying each other's company. She seems to be more and more engaged. A significant number of "thank you's" and "please's" from her.
I've noticed that she's beginning to make some body contact with me. No hugs or anything like that, but just little brushes, etc that she doesn't have to make. I wonder if it's because I've completely pulled back from initiating any contact with her?
Up until a number of weeks ago I would periodically hug her, put my hand on her leg while we were in the car, etc. But I stopped that right about Thanksgiving. And the last week or so I've noticed she's starting to initiate some contact.
It just seems like the fog is burning off more and more. One night a week ago I was on the phone with her while I was out of town for work and at the end of the conversation I could have sworn she was about ready to say the big ILY....but she didn't. The last few nights we've spent together there were times when I thought the same thing, but she didn't.
Don't know if I'm deluding myself there, but I don't think so. She's talking more and more about future stuff. The other night we were decorating our Christmas Tree and S16 said something to W about it being cold out and W said she'd love to be in Florida right now and S16 said "why don't you just move?" W said we'd never find jobs that pay as well as we're paid now and S16 said "Why don't you move there when you guys retire?" and W said "That sounds like a good idea to me". She's also made comments about stuff WE should do together next Christmas, talking about summer vacations, etc so it seems like she's thinking more and more long term US, but she's still not ready to talk/work through this stuff.
But I'm in a good place. I've found myself ok with moving on without her if she can't give me what I need to heal from this mess. I've found myself ok with moving on if she's not ready to face her part in all this.
Maybe she senses this in me and she's realizing she doesn't want that to happen.
We have our Christmas party at the house tomorrow night so we've been busy planning and shopping for that. Last night we did some shopping and also bought some stuff for W to make a breakfast casserole to take into work today. When we got home we made it together, laughing and having fun while we did.
Maybe my theory was correct that once she was not in her normal office that the triggers for OM wouldn't be there and she'd get through WD even more. It's been 4 weeks since she moved offices and there's been a steady change in her since.
I apologize for not being around much. Been really busy with work and stuff at home, but I'm thinking about everyone and try to check in when I can.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
But I'm in a good place. I've found myself ok with moving on without her if she can't give me what I need to heal from this mess. I've found myself ok with moving on if she's not ready to face her part in all this.
Maybe she senses this in me and she's realizing she doesn't want that to happen.
Absolutely she senses it...just as before I think she sensed how anxious you were even though your actions weren't showing it.
Way to go! I think without that underlying "pressure" she feels safer about moving closer to you...and either way you're in a better place in your own head. Super!
