So I just finished talking to D13. It's bedtime and she told me about her dreams and ideas. I listened and even though most of it wasn't interesting to me, I remembered what was interesting to her and gave her feedback on her topics.
I remembered how she said that mom didn't seem to care about her interests. I did, and I listened.
IN the end, I thought about the difference between W and I. We both love our kids. No question about that. But I listen to them and she talks a them without really listening.
I don't judge them, I give them advice and suggestions. She trys to fix them even when they don't ask for fixing.
We can't be together because of this big 'difference'. I can understand that. What I can't understand is why I 'get it'. and she doesn't.
I worry about your seeming willingness to settle should you be given the chance.
I hope you understand that I will hope you aren't.
I'm not. Besides, she has been very clear over and over again that nothing will change her mind. She said she 'will always love me' and she tells others what a great man I am. But she can never be married again. Even thought her 'friends' tell her she may feel differently in the future. Some friends.
Seriously, our life wasn't that bad. And with love and understanding it can be fixed.
But, she doesn't think so. She thinks it shouldn't be fixed. She loves me but doesn't think we should be together.
I can live with that, and even her 'vision' where I am happy and successful in my life without her.
I just don't believe any of it. I don't have the same vision.
Maybe I am foolish. I just have my own 'vision' where real love and commitment wins.
Is it possible there is anything to that? Has D17 been losing weight?
I only mention it because you said nothing about Sara's post. I have a colleague here at work, in her 50's, who went through a very serious battle with anorexia that nearly killed her.
If there's any chance there's something to this, you need to get some help to figure out what to do.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
D17 is fine, she is not losing weight. She eats healthy and looks healthy. I would clue into that pretty quick. One thing is that the cavities are between her teeth and her teeth are kind of 'dense packed'. She had braces so they are straight. Mine were like that too. She spends all her free time with her boyfriend, and he's a smart guy who would also clue in to any food issues.
She's mostly a vegetarian. I think she just has teeth that are not as strong as others.
After all the drama W went and 'made amends' with D17. D17 has a temper when she feels like she isn't being listened to.
Your wife told you what she felt about being emotionally abandoned by you when you were falling. So it is what it is. Now you have to deal with the guilt and regret you have over that and that's just going to take some time. That perceived failure on your part is feeding enormously into your lack of self esteem. Please, please, please make this the focus of your counseling! It's the root of most everything that troubles you, I think.
Yeah, I know. When I countered with the fact that she abandoned me when my self esteem was crap she used that as a reason why we shouldn't be together.
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She never once mentioned love. Only respect. Specifically, having lost respect for you. This is very telling of how she needs to be propped up & carried by a man. NO ONE needs this kind of person sucking the life out of them Frank, which is what she has basically done to you. SHE is warped and YOU can't fix her. You can and should pray for her. But you absolutely can NOT fix her. And you didn't do this to her, either. This was in her LONG before she met you. It's just NOT your cross to bear.
I know I didn't 'do' anything to her. I just failed at being a man of strength and honor and this is the result. I get that, if it had been a different woman in my life, one who had strength, that things would have turned out differently. Instead we both got hurt, went through cycles of up and down.
Yes, this is the time for Frank to find himself. Nothing is going to change her mind and we all have to pay for it. I didn't hold this together but I can build a new life.
I talked to D17's boyfriend this morning and asked him if he was aware of D17 vomiting to lose weight. He said no way, she's fine and is eating right and exercising (which I have seen her do exercises) to get healthy.
He did say that at the Dentist either her mom or the dentist they implied she was Bulimic and it upset her because she isn't.
I just failed at being a man of strength and honor and this is the result. I get that, if it had been a different woman in my life, one who had strength, that things would have turned out differently. Instead we both got hurt, went through cycles of up and down.
EXCUSE ME?????
You are STILL blaming your own personal failures on your wife's shortcomings.
"If she..." this "If she...." that
"If they didn't..." (back in the day)
BULLSH*T, FRANK
Are you gonna own your sh*t or not?
Stop blaming every damn body else for the ways in which you've been less than perfect.
Jesus, Frank!
If that's what we're all doing then I get to blame my crap on my mom and on the fact Jeff drank too much and just didn't understand me! OH GOODY! It's not MY fault I had a MLC! It's my mother's - she set me up for it! It's not MY fault I had an affair! My husband should have paid better attention to me and saw the warning signs that I might stray! It's not MY fault I treated a man that busted his ass to take care of me like dog crap! It's all HIS fault! He should have taken better care of me and I wouldn't have fallen!
GET REAL!!
How long do you think ya'll would let me get away with that crap?
You are blaming the adults in your life from your childhood
You are blaming your wife
WHEN THE FLIP ARE YOU GONNA STOP IT - OWN YOUR SH*T - AND PRESS THE HELL ON THANKING GOD THAT TODAY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO STOP THE INSANITY???
You are STILL blaming your own personal failures on your wife's shortcomings.
No, I'm making a logical observation that under different circumstances things would have BEEN different. I don't blame her, I blame myself. I lived with my fears and hurt and only I could fix them - and I didn't. I think that IF I was in a relationship with someone who was stronger then THEY might have been able to give me the catalyst I needed. That's all.
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If that's what we're all doing then I get to blame my crap on my mom and on the fact Jeff drank too much and just didn't understand me! OH GOODY! It's not MY fault I had a MLC! It's my mother's - she set me up for it! It's not MY fault I had an affair! My husband should have paid better attention to me and saw the warning signs that I might stray! It's not MY fault I treated a man that busted his ass to take care of me like dog crap! It's all HIS fault! He should have taken better care of me and I wouldn't have fallen!
That almost sounds like my W talking.
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WHEN THE FLIP ARE YOU GONNA STOP IT - OWN YOUR SH*T - AND PRESS THE HELL ON THANKING GOD THAT TODAY, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO STOP THE INSANITY???
Now. There is no way she will ever come back. It's done. She 'loves' me but doesn't want me. Her friends have helped convince her that she will be happy some day, maybe get married again. There's nothing left but me. So, I need to start from scratch and rebuild me.
And yes, I don't blame her any more. It's pretty clear what happened and how I failed. I know what I need to do to stop the insanity.
