Yeah JWM!! Hugs to you for setting those boundaries! I am sorry that your W doesn't realize that she is setting a bad example for your D. It's terrible that the WAS's don't see the things that us LBS's see.
I admire that you want to save your marriage. Her love is more than likely still there, she has been busy with OM and all the negatives to see it. She has boxed it up and set it aside and forgot about it.
It has to be a positive thing that she initiated the talk. I'm glad that you had MC.
I pray for you and your family. I hope all goes well.
It is never easy reaching for dreams... but those who reach walk in stardust.
~Broken~ ------------------------------------------------- Both 28 S-7 T-9/M-5 Sep 3-19-08 Bomb May 08
When she came home last night is when she wanted to have the R discussion. She was not tearful but very matter of fact.
This morning she said she did not want to be married to me. We traded extra keys to our cars. I asked her if she was going to move out and she did not respond. If she moves out it has legal implications and I'm sure she will talk to her L today before deciding.
I followed up the R conversation last night with email this morning covering what was said. This is the email that I talked about in an earlier post and clearly sets the boundaries regarding OM.
She wants out no matter what. She is pretty angry this morning.
Oh....I jumped to the wrong conclusion. That R discussion last night was "feeling you out" is my guess.
She is making a choice. Don't leave things unsaid. You can't change her mind, but you would never want her to think later, "If he had said this...." When she says she does not want to be married, always say something along the lines of "I love you and don't want you to give up on us, but I can't make you stay." And when she says there is no love, you say something like you said before, "YOu loved me once. I love you. There are things we can do if you don't leave the marriage." (have them at the ready- Retrouvaille, books titles, joint marriage counseling, etc.) She will go on and on....you will just say things like you did before (you are very good at this by the way), "We cannot have a marriage with a third party involved."
I remember this decision time. So you can see behind her eyes I will tell you what is going on. To choose the marriage means that she is to go purely on faith. In her heart she feels she doesn't love you, she feels she never loved you (rewrites history), and to stay will only cause more pain. She doesn't think you can change FEELINGS. At the beginning, I chose my marriage because of the fact I saw my H actually make changes, he went to counseling, I didn't want to be a part time mom, and I saw hope with Retrouvaille. She may be unable to see any of this at this point.
Oh....I jumped to the wrong conclusion. That R discussion last night was "feeling you out" is my guess.
She is making a choice. Don't leave things unsaid. You can't change her mind, but you would never want her to think later, "If he had said this...." When she says she does not want to be married, always say something along the lines of "I love you and don't want you to give up on us, but I can't make you stay." And when she says there is no love, you say something like you said before, "YOu loved me once. I love you. There are things we can do if you don't leave the marriage." (have them at the ready- Retrouvaille, books titles, joint marriage counseling, etc.) She will go on and on....you will just say things like you did before (you are very good at this by the way), "We cannot have a marriage with a third party involved."
I remember this decision time. So you can see behind her eyes I will tell you what is going on. To choose the marriage means that she is to go purely on faith. In her heart she feels she doesn't love you, she feels she never loved you (rewrites history), and to stay will only cause more pain. She doesn't think you can change FEELINGS. At the beginning, I chose my marriage because of the fact I saw my H actually make changes, he went to counseling, I didn't want to be a part time mom, and I saw hope with Retrouvaille. She may be unable to see any of this at this point.
JW,
Do you realize what a "secret weapon" you have here with WDID??? What a blessing!!!!
I predict a major 180 from her within days. Just stand firm for now, and steel yourself for the ride. She's going to be ALL OVER the map for awhile. Check out A in Ohio's recent thread for examples.
