ACJ)))))))))))))))))) long time no see hon, will go visit you in a bit. s10 has told stbx why he doesnt' want to go to his house, stbx doesnt' care. I was just on the phone with him and he said he has to come whether he likes it or not.
Well ot, before I read your post stbx just told me that it's his business. It is VERY hard to see it this way, but you are right, it is his business. And if he doesn't take him next week I'll talk to the school C so she can talk to s10 in the meantime because if I take s10 to C stbx will wash his hands and say "ok, you are taking him now" and won't show up ever.
SIGH, I hate this, that the agreement I signed long ago wasn't as great as I thought.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I've felt like my kids are the only things I can control in this sitch because I'm their mother, and STBX is trying to take that control from me.
yes, that's what's eating me, i thought that at least I could shield them from his crap. On the bright side, they get to choose when they are 12, I'm still debating whether to volunteer that choice or not, I guess it depends on how are things by then. I'm praying so hard that this idiot doesnt change my sweet boy.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
if I take s10 to C stbx will wash his hands and say "ok, you are taking him now" and won't show up ever.
Is that so bad? Your son is the one that needs help dealing with the emotions involved and it really sounds like he needs to see a good C. Take him, help him, don't worry about what your STBX does.
Don't waste your energy trying to decide what to do two years from now. Right now he doesn't have a choice, so don't cloud the issue with talk of possible future choices.
Take your s10 to a C other than the school counselor. The C will contact STBX to talk almost certainly. This will REALLY work much better thn you trying to manipulate things to the way you think they should be.
i can't help but see the word 'manipulate' in a negative aspect, as if it were for my gain only, I know you are trying to make a point OT. I firmly believe his dad should be involved in the C sessions, if it is possible that he can take him he should. He actually did call and set up an appointment for next saturday, hope she is a good counselor, my first choice didnt' work at the location I called anymore.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I understand that you believe his dad should be involved in the C sessions. I certainly agree with you.
However, trying to force things your way is not always the best way to help them go your way. In the case of STBX's involvement with C, he will likely get MORE out of it the MORE you back off.
Each time you butt in and try to manipulate/control/influence/coerce/encourage/manage (choose your favorite word) HIS choices, you make the C about YOU rather than who and what it should be about — him and his R with the kids.
Great he has the appointment! :-) Now, leave him alone.
Get your focus off STBX, HIS life, and HIS choices. Here is a question for YOU: Did you give STBX a chance to succeed and make good choices on his own in the M or were you always fixing/pre-fixing-even-before-there-was-a-problem/managing/anticipating/engineering/"helping"? If not, giving people space to shine and grow is a good skill to work on now and this whole thing gives you a great opportunity to do so. You gotta work your issues out sometime, may as well start now.
Did you give STBX a chance to succeed and make good choices on his own in the M or were you always fixing
Last year in August after I found about the A I didn't raise hell when he asked to sleep downstairs, during all that time I brought up R a once a month if that other than at the MC. During all that time he was cheating on me. Those last months we lived like 2 neighbors, I didnt' question him nor prod him to do a damn thing, if he didnt' want to touch me nor sit near me I didnt' say anything, just found something to do near him so we can at least spend "some time together" and didnt' touch him. He was far gone in his mind.
It might sound boastful but I have worked on my issues, I have let him go and realized he is not a well man and that my life is better off without him. I was happy and fine until I saw my kids crying and dreading going to their father, when I saw my son's little face cloud and tell me that he didn't want to go to his dads. I realize this is new road for me, accepting the reality that my kids will hurt and that they will have a horrible person for a step mom and that there won't be a thing I can do about it other than comfort them.
Yes, she is a horrible person, sleeping over when he's just met my kids, dragging her own kids to a total stranger's home and bunking them with his kids. My MIL was driving to a dr appt with stbx and her because she needed help with her wheelchair, MIL braked all of a sudden and stbx' neck flopped a bit, she jokingly said to him "dont' sue me for whiplash now!" and gf told him right on her face: "it's ok, when she goes you'll get her money anyways".
My MIL has a terminal disease and will have radiation tomorrow, if that was joke it was just sick.
That was the third time MIL and gf had seen each other.
If that isnt' horrible I dont' know what is.
And yes, it's none of my business who he marries/lives with, but my skin crawls when I think of that vile person near my kids.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, sweetie, nevermind. I hear some defensiveness so I must sound like I was attacking you. Apologies. My intent was to try to get you to shift your focus off of STBX and his current activities. You are still (quite understandably) in a pretty reactive place with respect to his living arrangements. Your mind needs a problem to grapple with in its state of heightened anxiety and its tendency to go into fixer mode. So, I was trying to give you a problem of your own to grapple with and to fix. I was reaching back to your actions during your M, before the bomb. It can be helpful to recognize when old unhelpful patterns of behavior recur. But there is plenty of time to look at that stuff another time.
Anyway, I don't think it sounds at all boastful to say that you've worked on your own issues. You've grown a ton and are doing great, most certainly. People here have a lot to learn from you.
As for STBX's GF, no doubt she is making some lousy choices and even worse jokes. But if she is a horrible, hateful, irredeemable person, then your STBX must be DOUBLY so. For it is HIS responsibility who sleeps in HIS bed in HIS house, who he introduces to HIS children. These are HIS bad choices. She is the guest, he is the HOST. I'm not sure why you want to put the power in GFs' hands rather than hold STBX fully accountable for HIS OWN CHOICES. Given STBX is not after all irredeemably horrible, may his GF isn't either. Maybe your demonizing her is a kind of combined idealizing/infantalizing of STBX in an effort to protect him or the remaining shreds of your image of him? They are BOTH making lousy choices, but only HE is truly accountable for HIS kids.
This woman has nothing to do with your D. It is your STBX's choice to let her move in. It will really be better for you and your kids if you can reign in your hatred of her, especially if she does wind up being around long term. She did not ruin your M. She did not cause your D. STBX is the one who is accountable for who interacts with his kids and how.
