My friend 'K', whose W forced the sale of his house and pretty much made him homeless dropped by last night and stayed over.
He, like me, is a pretty giving and intuitive person and can look into someones eyes and see where they are really at emotionally.
Anyway, I had told him that I didn't mind him staying over sometimes but I was concerned that W would be worried because she had had some incidents as a child and was overly protective of the girls. He's cool with that and is a good guy.
This morning W was over doing the usual morning stuff with the girls and K got up and struck up a conversation with her. I was in bed still and she came into my room to tell me that D13 was sick. Then she says "K told me that you said I was concerned about him being here because of a childhood incident I had. I don't remember telling you that, I don't have an issue with him staying over".
I was a little angry and told her that I didn't say she was concerned, I said she _might_ be concerned and I didn't want to worry her. I also said that I felt he had no right to talk to her about what I said.
She said "Well I hope you weren't using that as an excuse to get him to not ask to stay over". I told her that was not the case.
So I got up in a few minutes and she was leaving. I talked to K and was initially angry but he told me that he was trying to feel her out because he had never really talked to her. Then he told me a little bit about their conversation.
He basically said that his impression was that she was a lost, scared and confused soul. At one point he was talking about how he was currently 'homeless' and she said "Yeah, I know what you mean because I'm homeless too". This was when they were standing outside on the front lawn of our house talking. He told me that it was all he could do not to say "Hello? You're homeless because of the choices you made" but he said to me that he really felt that she was too fragile and would break down if he said that. He did say that she was talking as if she was a victim.
We also talked about the fact that she had put up a few decorations this morning. I haven't talked to her about that but he was saying, as others have said, that I need to set strong boundaries from now on and that is an important start.
I agreed that I'm being wishy washy because I really don't want to let go. But, as he said, that keeps me stuck and I'm not able to grow.
K also suggested that I fill out the Divorce forms and tell her that I have them ready. Not as a 'strategy' but as a symbolic gesture of moving forward. My marriage is over and she's lost.
Grandma says so. Her dad says so. Her brother. All my friends.
I've been walking on eggshells still. It's eating me alive. And hurting my work.
So, letting her go and moving on is hard. Setting firm boundaries is hard because I don't want to hurt her. But I need to love me.
She's really a good person inside. I know she seems happy but I also know she is in pain and I can't fix it for her. And holding on hurts me, which means it hurts my girls.
I dont know about filing being a symbolic gesture. Seems to me to be more of a legal gesture.
California has a 6 month wait for a divorce judgment to be final. However, if both of you agree, you can prepare a marital settlement agreement and file with the court.
I think it wise when you have considerable assets or kids involved to get someone (ie a mediation lawyer) to help fill out the details of all the divorce documents - parenting plan, division of assets/retirement, spousal support, child support, life insurance, kids college plans, health insurance, etc...
I dont know about filing being a symbolic gesture. Seems to me to be more of a legal gesture.
California has a 6 month wait for a divorce judgment to be final. However, if both of you agree, you can prepare a marital settlement agreement and file with the court.
I think it wise when you have considerable assets or kids involved to get someone (ie a mediation lawyer) to help fill out the details of all the divorce documents - parenting plan, division of assets/retirement, spousal support, child support, life insurance, kids college plans, health insurance, etc...
agreed. The initial filing doesn't have to have those items but it starts the clock going.
I think the clock starts ticking once the respondent is served.
My initial filing was ridiculous - it had me as full custody, she paid child support, no spousal support. It was just lawyer 101 to get things started. I told W as such, but she was still very angry at its legal wording.
Well, it doesn't matter because I'm not going to file. I was just kicking around the idea of telling her we should go file together and get the clock started so she could be divorced in 6 months.
But, I really don't need to do that. Just set boundaries and accept that this is where it's going right now.
<< My initial filing was ridiculous - it had me as full custody, she paid child support, no spousal support. It was just lawyer 101 to get things started. I told W as such, but she was still very angry at its legal wording. Kerry, This doesn't seem too ethical at least to me. It probably wipes out any hopes for mediation and keeps the lawyers in business by triggering the maximum conflict. Just my opinion of course.
where is it going Frank? limbo? this is from someone that for the longest time held onto a lost man, a lost man to himself and thus, to me/others. A good db friend told me how much happier I was now that all that crap was over, I sounded better and free, that before I was putting together a puzzle, forcing hoping the pieces would fit and each time one would buckle and I"d fret to keep it together.
So you dont' want to hurt her by stopping this merry go round and vicious cycle, isnt' SHE hurting you without a second thought? I'm not saying tit for tat, but she has no earthly idea how badly you are hurting and she keeps on going thinking only of herself.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Fb2 - I initially was going for full custody because of her including the kids as part of her affair. After cooling off, we tried mediation, but gave that up for possible reconciliation. The lawyers were very professional and I thought that mine earned his pay.
Frank, you will know when to say enough is enough. For now, it appears you are still trying to figure out the realistic goals and expectations.
where is it going Frank? limbo? this is from someone that for the longest time held onto a lost man, a lost man to himself and thus, to me/others. A good db friend told me how much happier I was now that all that crap was over, I sounded better and free, that before I was putting together a puzzle, forcing hoping the pieces would fit and each time one would buckle and I"d fret to keep it together.
That pretty much describes how it's been. It has to end, for sure.
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So you dont' want to hurt her by stopping this merry go round and vicious cycle, isnt' SHE hurting you without a second thought? I'm not saying tit for tat, but she has no earthly idea how badly you are hurting and she keeps on going thinking only of herself.
Yes, I agree with what you say. I'm not ready to file, I am ready to start acting as if I will be divorced and set new boundaries. It hurts and It's scary. I've been riding the merry go round too long, hoping for it to change. Not changing myself like I need to be.
My understanding is that Ls make asking for EVERYTHING in the petition a common practice. This paves the way for maximum conflict and ensures a bitter 'contest'. In the worst case respondents are so devastated by the D filing that they do not respond and so lose EVERYTHING by default. But at minimum this ensures $$$ for the Ls professional or not. Your L knew full well that there wasn't sufficient reason to give your W 0 custody. It would not hurt in this case to talk to an L to understand the what D might entail and prepare for it financially and otherwise.
