Hi, Arianne, 16 years! That's how long I've been M total! And oh boy, I'm going a little nuts after only *one* year of celibacy! I am really, really hoping that it's not going to be a permanent condition for the rest of my life! If there's something preventing intimacy, like a physical problem, you have to live with it, but otherwise I can't imagine being M and having a reasonably good R with each other and not ML! Of course, I am sleeping in the same bed with my H every night even though he doesn't touch me, which seems very strange to me (and everyone else I tell)...but even if he did express interest in ML with me, I would have to tell him that as long as he has an OW, I don't feel right about being intimate with him. Besides which, I don't want any nasty little health surprises!
Yes, I wasn't sure where you were located but thought you were in England, and I know you don't celebrate Thanksgiving the way we do here. It's a nice holiday, I think, and less pressure than Christmas because there aren't any gifts to buy. I grew up in a non-religious family, but I privately take the opportunity at Thanksgiving to really thank God for what I have, and renew my commitment to the practice (I fall off that wagon a lot). But it can be a little stressful to have two big family holidays only a month apart.
But we are already starting to see Christmas stuff go up in stores, which I don't like--I wish they would wait until December, or at least until after Thanksgiving (only 4 days' difference this year). I think if they have Christmas decorations up for a quarter of the year, it loses its charm and "specialness"!
Anyway...tell me again why your H couldn't face your family? Was it shame because of OW?
They say the "average" A lasts about six months, and my H's has been going on for about 15 months, so it's overdue to burn out...I hope!! No signs of that yet, though, and a lot of people here seem to have WAS's with longer A's than average. But...as difficult as it is to have him living here and rubbing my nose in his A and being cold to me all the time, and as much as I think it would probably be easier if he lived elsewhere while he's in mental outer space, I do agree that he must feel some sort of connection to me if he still lives here, still puts on his wedding ring before he leaves every day....
Well, it's after 5 a.m. here and I was going to go to bed earlier...that didn't happen! Hope you are doing well today!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Its now been 5 weeks silence since I went dark.I know he will be thinking things over and wondering what I am doing,but probably not as much as I am thinking of him. Im carrying on my life-going to work etc but all the time theres this ache inside ;after 29 years I miss him so much its like a close family member going off.I am leaving him alone. The maintenence money went in last week so he remembered me then.Am going to contact him in about 3 weeks to thank him when the next lot goes in.Wont pursue or ask any questions just say "thank you for the money and remembering me."I will have reached out- then if he wants to respond he will. Weve been separated 16 months now. But he hasnt gone ahead with the divorce he thought he wanted.Patience.Time is on my side.
Hello Dawn I read your post after posting the above! It must be really hard to have your H there and not let rip about your feelings. I understand that most As burn out because of guilt and they are built on deceit.Men can be weak but few I think really enjoy hurting their wives.( But they do it anyway)My H never really engaged with my family. He once told me it was because he felt ashamed,they could see he wasnt being a supportive husband to me.Also,they always suspected he was being unfaithful. I was in denial.He took off his ring years ago and never put it back on.He has real issues with emotional intimacy and I have issues with being needy-in a nutshell that is what went wrong with us.But what hurts me now is that he is too scared to give us another chance.God bless you ,I guess He has a plan for both of us and our wayward men!
Well today I broke the 6 week silence! Heard there was bad sleet and snow in the Midlands so texted "Drive carefully today x " Hope he knows this is genuine and sees it as a slightly open door.Wont contact again for a while. I feel ok-if he wants to respond he can. Didnt want him to think I had gone completely dark and cut him off now that he is giving me some voluntary maintenence.Time is healing-there is a lot more in my life now and I can see a life without him but 29 years is a lot to discard.Still have hope that he will come out of this fog and know what he wants .Am so concerned that a divorce would cause resentment between us over money issues. Meanwhile the emotional limbo continues with us both in rented homes and 100 miles apart.
A, I do not see anything wrong in your tm to him. You let him know that you are concerned about him and want him to drive safely. No pressure there.
The time you spent w/your h was a long one. You'll never forget that time and you'll have to pull out the good memories to keep you going for a while. Your h has a long ways to go in order to finally find whatever it is he is looking for. The illusive happiness is a fantasy and unfortunately, many of them do not realize that they are the only ones that can make themselves happy. Unfortunately, sometimes it's too late when they wake up.
A, I don't care how you cut it...money issues always create resent when there are separations/divorces. Just do the best you can and make sure that you get a fair settlement.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you snodderly as ever great comments. I can see even now that if he came to me in say 6 months time I would be uncertain about living with him again.I am getting used to being on my own and being independent. But this in itself makes me so sad.I still care about him so much.We did a bit of counselling a year ago and the counsellor observed how we both tried to please -we never argued or negotiated. Thats why the thought of an acrimonious divorce is awful- as he has said "It would be the end of us" He hasnt responded to my text.
A, He will respond to your text very soon. Patience is one of the hardest virtues we must learn on this journey. Time will tell what the future will hold for the both of you.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nothing yet. Patience. Will contact him again in a week or so- no pressure but let him know I am thinking of him- perhaps just a thank you when next maintenence goes in.Christmas will be hard. He will either be with his parents or perhaps OW- (so hard to bear.)But he cant forget our 29 years so soon,surely? Our anniversary is on 19th. Last year at this time I never thought I would still be in limbo.I think I will always love him but cant let the loss take over the rest of my life.
Ok- next 180.Found a card he would like (artistic print) and stuck 5 love hearts in a row inside. They said " Guess Who?-Only Me- I Hope- Good Pals-For Ever"Nothing else- no other message or even a signature. I hope he responds to this its lighthearted and no pressure. Been 9 weeks of no contact. I feel better every day. Am doing everything I can to save my marriage(mostly just letting him be as Snodderly advised) but occasionally reaching out in a non demanding way. Rest of my life is good- job,family and adoring doggy-feeling less "on hold " and more in control.Watch this space!
Its our 29th anniversary next friday.Wonder if he will acknowledge it-probably not. I will send a card-not romantic more a "I didnt forget" thing. So that will be contact - non pressured- from me every 2 or 3 weeks in the last 6 weeks. Before that, 9 weeks silence. He hasnt responded yet.Feel awful as I dont know what he is thinking/doing. If he wanted to he would contact me ,but why doesnt he just go ahead with the divorce? Ive told him numerous times that I am ok and would be fine and he said he knew. This time of year is so painful.
If there's something preventing intimacy, like a physical problem, you have to live with it, but otherwise I can't imagine being M and having a reasonably good R with each other and not ML! Of course, I am sleeping in the same bed with my H every night even though he doesn't touch me, which seems very strange to me (and everyone else I tell)...but even if he did express interest in ML with me, I would have to tell him that as long as he has an OW, I don't feel right about being intimate with him. Besides which, I don't want any nasty little health surprises! 
