Another one joins the flock (III)

[Mike85]

Just met with my L. Very knowledgeable, very agreeable to placing welfare of kids #1, very much into protecting interests of myself and kids. Good L, good guy.

Unfortunately, it appears that things with W may necessarily get less amicable and light in the near future. L cautioned me to not discuss anything we discussed with W, in-laws, friends, etc. It's sad that things have had to become more "real."

In the words of PM Dawn - "Reality used to be a friend of mine..."

As I was getting home, I turned on the radio and the station started playing Zep's 'Your Time Is Gonna Come.' Great tune at a great time.

[smith18]

Good job finding an L that cares to put the kids first. Mine initiated that conversation about the kids welfare right away when I met him. I like him a lot. He also backed off when it appeared that my W was possibly wanting to reconcile.

Keep the play book between yourself and your L.

Led Zep #1 is probably my favorite album of all they did. Someone in that group must have been having woman problems based upon the song names:

• Good Times Bad Times
• Babe I'm Gonna Leave You
• You Shook Me
• Dazed and Confused
• Your Time is Gonna Come
• Communication Breakdown
• I Cant Quit You Baby
• How Many More Times

The only song that does not seem like a broken heart song is Black Mountain Side.

Another interesting heartbreak album is Bob Dylan Blood on the Tracks. Apparently he wrote the songs when he was getting his divorce.

[momof2girls]

Mike?? are you still around?

[Mike85]

momof2girls: Yep, I'm still around. I've just been busy as all heck in my new job - WHICH I LOVE! The atmosphere in the place is just so positive, the kids are incredibly (for lack of a better word) sweet, my colleagues are incredibly supportive and knowledgeable, and my bosses are amazing. Oh, and the improved pay and benefits are just a bonus. I actually went to my first-ever high school game last week and watched my new district's team put a serious hurting on another school's team. It was great.

I've also been getting off-board support via e-mail correspondence with a couple of posters/former posters from here. I'm still DBing and getting DB support.

At home, things are status quo. My W is still shacked up with OM, but he's not digging what life with kids is like once school begins. W has kids on Mondays and Fridays, while I pick them up from the sitter and have them from 4 'til just before bedtime on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. We alternate weekends. Lately, OM has talked W into asking me to drive out to the lake to drop the kids off (16 miles round trip) instead of having her swing by after work to pick 'em up. Not sure what they're up to.

From the accounts given by my in-laws, my kids, and W's co-workers, she's stressed out and unhappy. I haven't seen it, but she's seemed to have made a point lately of keeping our interactions brief. The one exception was when OM's dog escaped from the house and he had to drive down the road to find it. W invited me into their place, and, with kids hanging on us, we chatted about older son's new little girlfriend (he's 9), stuff regarding my new job (she liked my new school sweatshirt), etc. After about 15 minutes, I decided to jet, and as I walked out the door, OM pulled into the driveway, glaring at me. I just smiled back.

In the last few months, I've managed to keep the house clean, paid for, and in good shape, have reclaimed a social life (I'm alum president of my Fraternity again), and am reveling in my new job. My therapist cautioned me to not appear TOO giddy, as she fears that W still has self-esteem issues and that it may appear that my success was triggered by her departure. My therapist fears that W's untreated depression and conflicted attitudes may not mix well with my moving on and could lead to W doing something self-destructive (which I *obviously* don't want).

Our wedding anniversary is this Friday. I'm worried that the emotional impact will sneak up on me, so I've made a point of planning a lot of time with friends this upcoming weekend (it's Homecoming at both my new district and my college). I also, serendipitously, happen to have a therapist appointment that afternoon.

To sort of keep me in W's mind, I've ordered flowers to be sent to her shop this week. They're carnations (her favorite, much more so than roses), and the message simply says "For 9/26... Unconditionally and forever, Love Michael". U & F was what I said to her as she headed home after I rescued her the weekend that OM went on a bender and abandoned her last month. I was conflicted on what to send, if anything, but my therapist feels that both my choice of flower and message are appropriate and sincere. I won't expect or look for a response, as that will just set me up.

So, things have been looking up for me of late. For my marriage? I'm just praying, working on keeping a positive, open line of communication with W, and continuing with therapy. Whenever I get down or frustrated, I remind myself that I've only been doing this for not even five months, so I'm still a "newbie." Baby steps.

[Mike85]

Well, W called last night to ask me to bring the kids to her place (instead of her stopping by on the way home to pick them up). She briefly mentioned that she got the flowers, said they were beautiful, thanked me, but said they were "unnecessary" (?!?). I basically told her that she knows how I feel. Then we chatted for a while and nicely about stuff involving the kids. I could hear OM in the background. I couldn't help but wonder how much of our conversation was stymied by his being nearby.

When I dropped the kids off, the kids each gave me big hugs and kisses to say goodnight. The kids noticed that W's car wasn't in the driveway, and W told them that her car was still at work (meaning that she and OM came home together in his car).

W gave me a big hug. I tried thinking of something profound to say regarding the flowers and my card, but it was hard, especially with the kids being hyper around us. I basically just gave a cheerful goodbye and took off.

I was pretty bummed on the drive home. W's attitude about the flowers and card seemed to be one of polite indifference. That hurt.

This morning, I took a different perspective - first off, OM's being nearby during our call and driving home with W probably had some impact on W's response (undoubtably, OM must have seen the flowers), secondly, at least W's response was not negative and didn't provoke a defensive, anti-reconciliation discussion, and thirdly, I *am* glad that I decided to acknowledge our wedding anniversary the way that I did. Along with my rescuing her last month after OM's abandoning her to go on a drunken bender, my decision is something that is going to stick in her mind. She knows how I feel, that I haven't given up, and that I am here.

My actual anniversary is Friday, and I fortuitously have a therapist appointment that day. And having it be homecoming for both my new school district and my college guarantees that I'll have my focus diverted on happy matters. I may have several Fraternity Brothers crashing at (not into) my house this weekend.

[Mike85]

Well, it's been a week since the dreaded anniversary weekend...

I had a blast at both the high school football game and during my college homecoming weekend. I had the double pleasure of running into former students (that were either in college or had recently graduated from college) and MANY of my alumni Fraternity Brothers. Having great people from different spheres of my life interacting wasn't some traumatic "worlds collide" (a la Seinfeld) issue, but instead fed my ego big time. It was nice to have my Brothers telling my former students what I mean to the Fraternity while my former students were telling my Brothers what I great teacher I was for them. Great parties, met great people, and got an ego boost from a coed or two...

Things with W are the same as usual. She and OM are playing house, and are both having money issues - her job (nail salon) is a luxury that people are cutting back on, and his job (financial planning) has taken a HUGE hit of late. Me? I'm doing just fine.

W and OM are apparently planning a trip to Jamaica in December despite their current money issues. W is hellbent on having those "things" that are part of the lifestyle she said I couldn't give her (and has cited as her reason for leaving me and shacking up with a dysfunctional OM...he claims to have $$$). At this point, I recognize that W has deep-seated issues and that I would demand counseling for her/us before any reconciliation could occur.

Thanks to counseling and time, I've come to realize that what W has done is NOT due to anything I did or did not do and that people telling me that I "MUST HAVE contributed to the situation somehow" are full of manure. Nothing I did or did not do justified W's decision to abandon her family and commit adultery in the quest for a lifestyle to which she believes she is entitled.

I'm working at being amicable with W, doing what I can for the welfare of my kids, and moving on with my life. I'm not moving forward with anything legally (nor is W) and have no intention of making any S or D maneuvering any easier for W (thank you NY for making the process difficult and lengthy...). I believe that W will recognize her mistake in time and I really want her to get the help she needs and will be there for her to eventually restore our family. I pray for her and us every night. In the meantime, I'm LOVING my new teaching gig, have fully embraced my role as alumni president for my Chapter, and have a blast every time I have my kids with me.

[Mike85]

Well, it's done, in my opinion.

I've completely given up on the idea of any reconciliation at all. W has become a completely different person from the woman I knew for 20 years. What she values, what she chooses to spend time on, the kind of people with whom she chooses to spend her time - all different. And not in a good way. She has, by the accounts of not just myself but by our mutual friends and even her own parents, become an incredibly shallow, self-absorbed, materialistic individual who cares entirely for acquisition and appearance.

Toss in the fact that she had apparently been rationalizing her adultery to our friends and acquaintances by describing me as a cold, isolated, insulated individual whose withdrawal from her and the kids was practically emotional abuse, and I can't see EVER forgiving her. It wasn't enough that she lied to me, our kids, and our friends and committed adultery... she attempted to attack and destroy my reputation as a husband and father.

Thankfully, folks in town and mutual friends who sat on the fence, willing to give W the benefit of the doubt and see if she was truthful, have come up to me within the last month and told me not just what she had done, but how they had observed our respective behaviors, listened to our respective words, and decided that W was lying about me. My reputation is intact.

W and I are hammering out our separation agreement. I am acting in an amicable way to W for the sake of the kids, but I will never trust W again or consider her a friend. Ever. I cannot wait to be divorced from her.

During our current S, I've reconnected with old friends via Facebook, gone out to parties and just out to bars and dinners, and rediscovered how much fun I used to have and can still have.

Don't be sad for the death of my M. Be happy for the rediscovery of who I am.

[Andabelle]

Good for you! Her loss, absolutely.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I am glad that your reputation is more important then being able to weather her MLC.

You did everything right, so quickly that it hurt you. You never had to focus inward, you were surrounded by good times and good people. And you bought into the move on BS. And you are justifying her bad choices as your reason to move on.

16 years man. No not happy, sad actually. Intellectually, your a power house Mike, but where is your inner steel?

Sleeping with some other guy? Boo Fing Hoo, lying about you? Ditto. Preaching to the choir, bet you don't have a flase police report filed against your ass.

Dissappointed. I still wish you the best, but I thought you had the ability to do this.

[craig54]

Sorry to hijack, but JTB, nice to see you posting. I never got to thank you for posting on my situation. It has been along time since that happened. Thank you.