Tonite, I went to my friend's 50th birthday. I've known him forever. We grew up together.
In a room full of people I felt alone.
A good buddy of mine was there...still in great shape after all these years. His wife was there...an attractive woman. She approached me and started to talk near the end of the evening:
Her: Are you married? Me: Well...I'm sorry to say that I am going thru a divorce Her: Do you have kids? Me: Yes...8 and 5. How did you meet 'John'? Her: I was with my father on his boat and some tall handsome guy was windsurfing. I was seeing some other great catch but I told my dad I had to go meet that guy. He thought I was crazy. So, after John pulled up...and he was wearing cool Hawaiian bathing suit...I went over to meet him. I ended up dumping the other guy and my parents thought I was crazy. Me: ...and he still is in great shape Her: ..he still has a great body....(she made some other comment about holding high expectations) Me: Did you ever find out what happened to the other guy Her: I heard he still wants to be with me but he is married and has kids.
So...I listened to her story which....as it unfolded....played across my mind and ears as one of attraction, unwimpiness and maintenance of that. 18 years.
During the conversation, some minor discussion of my sitch came out and at one point, as I find happens not infrequently, the OW listening will 'defend' the STBXW. It is difficult not to try and defend oneself...but...I don't (N.U.T.) and I change course in the conversation but in a 'fair' way to STBXW.
Then, here it comes: Her: I have someone if you would like to meet somebody. Me: That would be nice..but...perhaps after all the smoke clears. Her: Did you check out J Date?
I drove home......
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I came home from my buddy's 50th and, at 1:45 AM, my STBXW was sitting bolt upright watching TV. Unusual to say the least. D5 was sleeping next to her on the couch. As usual, I try to be polite and upbeat:
Me: Wow..what you are doing up so late? You should be asleep. W: (mutters something) Me: I'll bring D5 upstairs.
I then go to the MBR and go sleep.
In the AM, I awake and trudge to the coffee machine. Before I can even push the button:
W: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PAY ME THE MONEY FOR THE MEDICINE AND COPAYS???? (she gave me the note less than 2 days ago and I am required to pay 80% of noncovered med expenses.)
(I've barely even opened my eyes yet)
W: YOU ARE UNDER COURT ORDER TO A PAY. (she goes on loudly...pushing this in my face)
Me: (softly) I'm making my coffee.
She persists and finally, after trying to not say anything so early in the morning: Me: As father and H (mistake for saying this), I'm going to take care of you and the kids.
W: YOU ARE NEITHER TO ME.
Later in the afternoon, I came home from my son's soccer game and W and D5 were gone. There was a note that was pleasantly written about how well D5 cleaned her room...how good a girl she was...and a smiley face was written. ?????????? When she came home, she crumpled it up and threw it out.
I'm not sure why it still hurts. I called one of my DB buddies who lifted my spirits. I guess....a positive here...is that I didn't react like I would have a year ago, took the beating, and stayed calm.
Again, like many here, I could sit for hours and trying to analyze all this: -why was she waiting up? -why did she have to attack me before I even had my eyes open? -why a happy note with smiley face only hours later?
Forget it. It never made any sense and still doesn't.
Trying to stay strong. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Why does it hurt? I think it always hurts when someone goes out of their way to be mean-spirited and rude, especially when you have done nothing to deserve it. Simple as that. And when it's someone we once bared our souls to, it's even worse.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I've not posted much as I have been going thru an inner 'emotional backslide'. I'm having a rough time of it but I must work this thru. Renewed behavior of hers:going out late on Weds and Sats...boxes of new clothes...Crest White strips.....photos with me in it being dumped on my mail...
...But....I filed.
I don't need to see this so I need to rush my paperwork. It still hurts.
Why????
I changed D5 out of her soccer uniform today and she shows me a drawing she made demonstrating what appears to be a man and a woman standing together. D5: Dad...know what this is? Me: what honey? D5: A man getting married to a woman...it's you and mommy Me: It's a nice drawing honey D5: I showed it to mom yesterday and she got a little bit sad. She said she needs to be apart to get happy. Is that true dad? Me: We're all going to be very happy.
Tonite, D5 fell playing and was complaining of left arm pain. I took her to the ER. Left two VMs and eventually W responded ("the music was too loud"). She met me at the hospital. I made her a coffee and reviewed the X-rays with her. I signed the discharge instruction sheet,which, she insisted on signing as well.
My marriage is over and I need to move on.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hello FIB. I bet you are keeping track of those times that Supermom is going out and not around to take care of the kids? In it's own strange way that should be good for you and the D proceedings?
Is your D5 okay? You left a VM for W, why did you choose to leave a 2nd one?
Holidays are coming, that will make it even easier to have emotional backslides. What can you find to bring smiles in your life?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
i am sad to read the exchange you had with your daughter about "being happy" I just think it is plain sad that we teach our kids this kind of stuff...we send a message its all about being happy...do you really think that is why we are here on earth living these lives and is that really what we as parents should be teaching our children......that it is all about being "happy" I know I am singing to the choir...I hope that i can teach my sons different....and the sad trap is....all that divorce brings.....happiness some how i think the problems you leave are easier than the onew you change in for with divorce....waking up 50% of the time with your kids not in your home ....oh yeah thats happiness ( not)I wonder what women ( mother would deifine that as happiness
You were right to tell your 5 year old daughter that you will all be happy. Despite what some think, our children don't need to be dragged any further into these messes than they already are.
Yes, shame on us all. Shame on us for having a spouse who turns their back on their promises, their vows, their beliefs and morals. Shame on us for allowing their violations to push us to the point that we can finally agree with them - this marriage is no longer healthy or able to be saved.
Which of your decisions would you change Frank? If you had not filed, if you had allowed the status to remain quo, would things be all better now? Of would your wife now be on OM4 or OM5? Would you still be caring for the kids basic needs pretty much on your own while your wife was out looking for a new partner?
Your actions caused her anger and bitterness to come to the surface finally. Your actions took away her ability to PRETEND to be considering the marriage. And your actions provoked her to once again take up the mantle of being a Mom, even if her motivations for doing so are not quite right.
It is time for this thing to move forward so that all of you can get about your lives without the constant reminders of the hurt and pain staring you in the face each day.
No, divorce is not good for us or our children. But as far too many of us have learned, it takes BOTH partners in the marriage wanting a healed relationship for it to take place. One spouse is more than capable of ending a marriage regardless of what the other one wants.
Release yourself Frank. Stop living in the guilt, because, honestly, you've taken far more than your fair share already. Stop allowing your wife and her actions to cause you to doubt your honor and your integrity.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
To graceallday....sorry that you interpreted that post wrong. I am not teaching my daughter that divorce will make us happy.
I am teaching her that she is responsible for her OWN happiness.
Yes grace...I chose to file. It was MY WIFE who chose to depart. I live with my decision everyday.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Oh FIB, my friend, stop beating yourself up. You went above and beyond to try and save your marriage. You gave it your all and then some.
There really was absolutely nothing else you could have done. Find solace in that fact.
FIB, there is nothing else to be done but for you to live well with the same honor and dignity you have shown throughout this.
Listen to me, you did your best, you tried your hardest, and I know you are beating yourself up wondering why is wasnt enough.
Your wife is broken, she is lost and she is on a path that she must follow, and you cannot fix it for her.
Please be good to yourself and your children. Remember that you are a great father and a good person. And one day, you will be happy again. You will be.
