Hi, guess everyone is busy GAL and Dbing. I am cleaning the house getting ready for my older D visit who is flying in tonight. I had a session with DB coach Jody yesterday. It was good advice as always. We mostly talked about D15 and how she is not talking to H. She said that H should come for Thanksgiving since it is the only opportunity to see both Ds together. She said that if D15 got in a snit about it H needs to deal with it instead of avoidance. We talked more about Divorce stuff if asked by H and how to handle it etc. So this morning I call H and leave msg. H does not return call which is odd for him. I look at his ATM card on line and see he took money out towards the Mexican border! He went there last weekend with OW and guess he is back there again and I know the phones dont' get service there. I think she must have family there and it gives them a chance to be open about their relationship since they have to hide here all the time. H is still blowing money like crazy. So I will not call him back and just wait and see what lie H gives me why he did not call me back sooner. oh well
On a good note, went the girl Roller Derby last night and we had a great time, hooting and hollering at the players and they get into all of these fake fights. Good time with D15 and she wants to go back and see another one. Our neighbors are nice and they were alot of fun. I appreciated they took us.
How is everyone doing??? take care
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Thought I would post this. Goes along with the theory that H is addicted to his A.
The brutal reality of the unfaithful man’s ruminations is given airing in the following poem by Robert Browning:
One more devils-triumph and sorrow for angels, One wrong more to man, one more insult to God! Never glad confident mourning again! All’s over, then; does truth sound bitter As one at first believes?
When a man has lost his mistress, in Browning’s view, it is clear that he experiences a sudden jolt back to reality. The reality of what he has done, and the moral judgment he imposes on himself. This self reporting of infidelity, although it may well be involuntary and due to the fact of being caught in the act, describes the inner journey of the man accepting his actions and then accepting that he was deluded into thinking his happiness lay elsewhere. He has lost his mistress, and with this reality check, his illusion vanishes. Still, the journey has not yet arrived at regret, as up till this point, he merely longs for the bliss of his illusion, which he can have no more.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Just know with the money thing in Texas ... you could be liable.. I've checked with my attorney on this and she said his lawyer could try to fight on this.. she said to print records and document everything... only way to truely protect ourselves in Texas is to file and get temporary orders in place. I asked my H to send me an email stating that all expenses on his credit card are his responsiblity and I'm not liable ... he said he would but hasn't yet. Lawyer said it should hold up if he does sign or email something.
so don't let yourself get screwed if he is spending way too much... My H is out of town this weekend with OW and next that is what made me think about wanting something in writing.
just a thought....
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Tx Mom, thanks for the advice. I worry about that. The card is in his name only but I know you can still be liable. He has put on about 7/8ooo on his credit card since June! Total spending out of control. But I have a copy of all his records and all his charges. My leverage will be the OW works for him, which I will use if I have to. I hope it does not come to that.
Update your stich.. will check in . take care
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I've never posted to you but have been reading this thread for awhile now. We are similar in age and in circumstances, although I have no children.
My H is also spending like there's no tomorrow with THREE new credit cards (in his name thank goodness). He is truly addicted to his OW and it's devastating to me. I've gone completely black since August now - Michele is a genius - this has helped me tremendously. I'm going to update my thread soon and you're welcome to reply.
Your Robert Browning poem and explanation is beautiful and profound. Irony is, my H was a philosphy major and is a college professor now - he of all people would understand this poem and I fear (and pray) that he will soon experience a "sudden jolt back to reality".
Thank you for your wise comments and stay strong.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
K guys jumping on quick just got back from church wanna take a quick nap, but I wanted to share a lil bit I got from someone.....enjoy....
There's a formula I share :
An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
I call it a formula because it's true that a spouse can get "foggy" from this formula without actually being in an affair with a person--it's when the partner creates and nourishes their own resentment into entitlement...you'll hear "I want to be happy" as a goal, for instance. The resentment along blocks out sharing their stuff (thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspective) with you.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
RB: Yes I do. Here is a list of what I need. 1. All bills paid 2. New home, new furniture, etc. 3. New car 4. All Ens met for entire family 5. Children's education all paid for 6. Guaranteed alimony for life 7. Guarantee that you will never be difficult to deal with. 8. WS meet with Steve/Jennifer or MC and then show family how WS will keep the family safe from any harm. 9. WS guarantee he/she will be there to support family through good times and bad 10. WS never demand anything other than what the family requests. 11. WS not put demands on family or stress them out in any way shape or form.
Please share some of the comments you have received and 'we' may be able to give a 'sample' RB response or 2.
Part of reverse babble is to agree, then present something while the WS may be in a state of confusion or wonderment (shocked or confused at your being agreeable). Get in your point and them exit ASAP. Don't say too much. Sometimes I used to nod yes and say no or visa versa. Sounds silly? Well my H was sooo much in the fog, he would just shake his head and walk away. About 2 hours to 2 weeks later I would get a response.
I learned not to take his babble to heart. Eventually I learned to put back some of his responsibility on him.
example:
WS: Go get the D. I don't want to be married to you anymore.
RB: Me too. Go get the D.
WS: Why won't you talk to me? (I was in plan B). Don't you love me?
RB: Hm.... I don't know. Let me get back to you on that.
WS: Where is all the $$ I gave you?
RB: I don't know.
WS: Do you want me to come back?
RB: I don't know. WS: You are so fat, if you lose weight I will come home.
RB: I do have some weight to lose but when I do, I am not sure if I would still want you to come home.
WS: Be a real human.
RB: I am. I have been wondering about you.
WS: You cant come over to my house without permission.
NOTE: This is not reverse babble this is a challenge. Do NOT respond to this. Just nod.
WS: I cant trust you.
RB: Yes, I can't trust you.
WS: You ruined my life.
RB: Yes, you did ruin our lives.
WS: You ruined your life.
RB: Yes, you did ruin our lives. NOTE how this is the same response.
WS: Your dad had to get you a job, and you have an mba.
RB: Yes he did and it is a good one. He certainly made a good choice. I'll have to tell him thanks. Thanks for reminding me.
WS:I love you. I dont know why I love you, I just do.
RB: You are right, I don't know why I love you also.
WS: She is just a friend (ow number 2)
RB: Wow, with friends like that, why are you out there making enemies? I did give this answer. [Eek!]
WS: I was plan ning on leaving way before the A...
RB: Why didn't you?
WS: I told you I was leaving you for a year.
RB: Leaving for? or Me or your other W?
WS: I never want to live with you again.
RB: Right now, I can see why you would not want to live with caring people anymore.
WS: We can stay married and live apart.
RB: Ok, right after you can show me how to sleep in 2 beds in 2 different homes at the same time. Similar incident, I gave the above response. [Eek!]
WS: This is for the good of the kids.
RB: You certainly are entitled to your opinion. When the children are older, I will share your words of stupidity with them. It will hurt but you are certainly entitled to your opinion. This one happened to me
WS: Just move on with your life.
RB: I am.
WS: You are crazy.
RB: ...and you have been a good teacher.
WS: I might go to counseling if you start to act normal.
RB: I already have. When is your appointment?
WS: It was never the same with ow as you.
RB: I am glad to hear that.
WS: Where did you get those shoes?
NOTE: This is NOT babble. Just answer his question. Don't act like he said it with sarcasism.
WS: I can never live in our house again, there are too many bad memories.
RB: Good idea. When will you be able to get us another home? This one happened to me WS: Do you know how easy you made it for me to leave!
RB: Yes you did.
WS: We were just friends but now it's much more than that.
RB: Your knack for picking trashy friends is getting better! WS: I just do not think I can do this anymore. As much as it hurts me as well, I do not think I have it in me to fight.
BS: Me too. Just can't do this and losing the will to fight. "What part of I don't want to be married to you don't you understand?"
"I agree. Wanting to be married and being married are not the same."
"I don't want to be with you anymore, I want a divorce."
"I agree. Not getting what you think you want can make you want it more." what part of i dont want to be married to you dont you get/ BS: The when part. ws: huh?
BS: You know, when....when did you not want t/b married to me?
I don't want to be with you anymore, I want a divorce BS: You're right, I don't want to be with you 2. When R U going to get it?
ws: What?
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Your posts are brilliant, I've been reading them for awhile.
How's this for entitlement: When my H dropped the 2nd bomb (OW) he said "I'm not a bad person, I've been faithful for 20 years, I deserve this".
As to the Reverse Babble, I'll have to think on that one - my H says things like: "It's nothing you've done, you're a wonderful person, I never meant for this to happen, I'm sorry you're hurting".
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
T2L, thanks as always for a good stich. Need to catch up today. keep me posted. I am praying.
Silver Fox will go to your stich later and we can chat. take care.
My older D is here from CT for a visit. Tough day yesterday but we are trying to have a really good day today.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
