Mixed Signals or Just My Imagination ?

[native]

So, Chrismas is fast approaching, we have be physically seperated almost three months, and there is no OM in the pic.

W is experiencing panic attacks in addition to the depression, so in some way, things are not getting better for her. Her anger phase seems to have passed.

She feels ok about her financial situation for the moment, but I think she feels regret about impulse buying a junker BMW without really checking it out ahead of time. Heat is almost non-functioning and it has no airbags....oh well, its her decision.

Since it is very clear that my W's love language is gifts, and that is something I really did not do on a regular basis, causing some doubt in her as to the validity of my love ( I am an acts of service person), I am thinking about a gift for her.

After 'going dark' for about 2 mos. I have seen her start to soften and the anger dissappear. No dates yet, but she has initiated 'family time' which is a new development. I think she is also shaken by the recent panic attacks.

But back to the gift. Since I was not a great gift giver in the past, and that was one of the things that really hurt her, and since she told her cousin she is 'thinking' of 'taking me back', I am thinking of gifts this Christmas.

I am seriously considering jewelry and went looking last night at Macy's. I don't think I will spend over $200, but I think it will be a good move.

I am sure that she would reconcile if I make a successfull career change as well, but in this economy, after 18 yrs of owning my own business ( which is paying the bills right now), it is not, and hasn't been, an easy transition.

Also, I am looking at a part time job at a wine bar, to make some extra cash, get out of the house and do something fun.

W thought it was a good idea. I have a lot more time on my hands now that she is actually helping with the childcare.

Any thoughts ? I'm really thinking the gift idea is a good one at this time.

[Molly44]

After 'going dark' for about 2 mos.

What did going dark entail?

[native]

After 'going dark' for about 2 mos.

What did going dark entail?

Going dark, as I understood it, was to basically stop initiating communication. No more e-mails, text messages, phone calls, etc to try in any way to help, connect, correct or romance.

The only communication I continued had to do with our D.

W wasn't really reading e-mails anyway, and was getting annoyed with my calls.

She needed 'space' so I gave it to her.

[native]

Went to a Sunday School Christmas party tonight and W accepted invitation to come along. I noticed she was hiding her ring finger (since she is not wearing my ring)and mentioned something about feeling awkward about it.

She had a nice time, and one of the class leaders ( a woman ) spent a fair bit of time just talking with her and I think it made her feel welcome, since she knows practically no one there.

We went to my (our) house afterwards, made a fire and watched a movie. Her whole attitude towards me has been very friendly and occasionally she will laugh at my jokes. She even has been smiling when she mentions some personality trait that in the past she has found irritating.

I just took her home and she initiated a warm hug as she got out of the car.

I guess that I need to be prepared to move this thread over to piecing soon. We'll see.

Oh yeah, she just bought a brand new toyota corolla, Barcelona red, so she's in a good mood. Who wouldn't be ?

[native]

WAW is acting like her old self, like we were before she left. She is constantly correcting me, but more often with a little bit of humor than before....

She spent the whole day with us (D6 and I). We went to the Moravian Candle Tea and later had dinner (which I cooked) and watched TV.

She set the table and washed the dishes when I asked her to ( something she almost never did when we were together).

At one point she even made a little faux pas. I said something about needing to burn a lot of firewood this winter. She said 'Why do we, uh you, need to do that ?'

By all indications, she is moving closer towards a renewed relationship.

[native]

Any one out there care to comment on my W's change in behavior ?
I know the WAW will vacillate, so I am not getting overly excited.
In fact, other than the obvious happiness expressed by our daughter at the fact that her parents got along together today, I have some amount of dread regarding her possible return.

I don't think I can take another prolonged episode of her unhappiness and general anger towards me. I have begun to imagine a life without her. I've started to have dreams and goals beyond just surviving day to day.

If my WAW has begun a real change in direction, I don't want to end up where we were before. I don't want to be the one who has to be responsible to do everything (cook, child care, bills, etc)while she sits back and criticizes, like she is being the responsible one.

One of the benefits to her moving out has been that she has had to do many of the things that she previously took for granted.

She flat out admitted last night that she could not cook nearly as good as I. ( Actually, I don't think she has made more than a dozen 'meals' since she moved out, but I haven't been there every night.)

Anyway, I know a number of folks here have felt ambivalence about the return of the WAW at times: the broken trust, sense of betrayal, anger, and all the other stuff.

Anyone got a magic wand to wave over this sitch ?

[MsMelancoly]

Hi native, Just popped by to say hello! Sounds like you are on the right track. Bravo!!

Sorry, I have no advise at the moment.

Sounds like you are expressing a common fear about your WAW returning.

[MsMelancoly]

BTW, There was a Woman 101 thread back in July that you might want to read for gift ideas & such. Jewelry is always nice.

[native]

MsM, thanks for dropping by ! I feel like I am posting to myself sometimes. But it is good therapy anyway.

She loves jewelry. I went to Macy's last week to see what they have. There was a citrine and diamond necklace, beautiful and not cheap, but not outrageous. She loves warm colors. I really think she will like it.

I just got back from her house (rental). We had a small 'fight' regarding what she interpreted as me overiding her authority with our daughter. That has happened in the past, but wasn't intentional tonight, but she is very sensitive to the issue.

That evolved into her feeling that I put our daughter before her, which I did, and presently do. Then she said that is why she left me. (Thats the reason this week!)

Why, you may be wondering, would I have ever put our D over my W ? A valid question, and it deserves a valid answer.

If I said that my wife has clinical depression, constantly had difficulty with sex and never initiated affection, that she emotionally abandoned our daughter at an early age, and overly worried about everything, every movement, every noise made by our normal, healthy, exuberent 6yo, to the point of completely stifleing her, would that begin to explain ?

In a word, our D needed a defender and a nurturer. Wife turned cold and critical towards both of us. I stepped in so she would not become as completely f****d up as my W, who has so many problems because of the mistreatment of her own mother.

I couldn't fix my W, but I could prevent my D from becoming the same way.

[native]

Which came first, my wife's turn towards the dark side, or my shunning W in favor of D ?

I really don't know.

I do know that when a child is born, a lot of men feel like they are second fiddle for a while. I fell so in love with our daughter that Wife may have felt that.

If she did, the downward spiral for her may have begun there. She says that after D was born she felt abandoned. That I had been so good to her until the birth.

And in fact, I had neglected to go find my wife in recovery for several hours after the cesearean, which I eternally regret. I was so excited with our baby, I did not think about what my wife might need at that time. I really regret that she felt abandoned.
If I could only have a do over.....

But we were already having problems with intimacy, all the way back to our wedding night, according to her. It seemed that there were many unfathomable difficulties in the intimacy area and I really was put off by her unending issues and how she blamed me for them.

So, I had felt rejected before the birth of the baby. So D comes along and now I have someone who is a hell of a lot easier to love.

After about 6 mos, it becomes evident that W is having difficulty with staying at home with baby, but that eventually evolves into W having difficulty with being a nurturing mother, and ultimately her leaving our marriage. At which point for the first time in 5 years she begins to spend time with our D again!

How easily this could have be averted with respectful communication and some crucial insight from the get go! I had no idea what PTSD from rape was then, or why she might have so many difficulties with intimacy. She didn't either, and blamed me for not being a good enough lover.

But tonight there has been a minor breakthrough.....


After being skewered a few times today I was ready to walk out early after having brought dinner over.

She made an attempt to justify her being pissed off at me for 'overriding' her authority. I listened because I had to...I just wanted to leave, but she insisted that I stay. So I stayed and tried to find something I could validate without seeming to agree with her wrong conclusions. Because what happened to upset her happened so fast I had no idea what was going on. It was her interpretation of events more than the events themselves.

So I listened. After some moments of silence I finally said: 'There are many facets to this issue, and a lot of history. We can't really talk about it now, and I don't know if I can ever talk to you about it. There are two sides to every arguement, and I listen to yours, but you don't listen to mine. You know firsthand how it is to have a primary relationship with someone who you cannot speak the truth to...' We both knew I was referring to her mother.

After a moment of reflection she said: 'Is that how it is with me ?'

'Yes.'

She was quiet. I was quiet. And then I said she could call me if she really wanted to talk.

And then I left.


So, I think that in the most graphic of ways, she got a small glimpse of her mother in the mirror of her reflection. And I hope it scared her sh**less because her mother and the truth are passing strangers, much to the dismay of everyone who has the misfortune to be caught in her gravitational pull...