2 weeks to get ready for The R Talk......

[LolaL]

Hi Arianne: I am reading your post, and it is scary, isn't it? Sometimes we GAL on accident. But I think that is okay. In your earlier post, I saw that your entire life revolved around H for many years, and now you have learned to make a life for you. There is nothing wrong with this. And if your marriage does survive this, I think your H will be glad to see that you have your own interests. I took some hope from your posts...H and I have been separated for one year, and it is nice to see that I am not crazy for sticking in there. You are not either. We are just women who love our spouses, and hope that someday we can get that second chance.

[arianne123]

Am reading Dobsons book "love must be tough"and am coming round to thinking that it would be a good 180 for me to stop being so patient and gently tell him I now need resolution and clarity in our relationship. Weve been apart so long, I know he still loves me but is scared,there are many practicalities to discuss(we now live apart in different parts of the country)I know this will be risky and could push him into the descision to let me divorce him-up till now he has said he doesnt want one.But I have visions of this going on for another year,then another etc.I do feel like a fall back in case his freedom doesnt work as well as he thought it would. I wouldnt ask for reconciliation-long way to go yet- but to meet regularly as friends.Im pretty certain he would agree to that-its me who has gone no contact for last 2 weeks. Got to be honest though Im not fully detached so should I hold on and wait? Anyone reading this I would really appreciate your thoughts
Me- 59
H-55
M-29Yrs in Dec.
Bomb May 08 "Cant move to your home town to retire with you. OW
"Strong feelings" Want divorce/get a life.Dec 08"Lets hold divorce not sure how I feel or what I want
cards still in air"
Affectionate but infrequent contact since. Still loves me.Terrified and confused. Darent talk to me much. I am stronger and did a major 180 recently by 1) moving house and being evasive about where I am 2) Not texting him back as I said I would this wasnt planned I just suddenly realised I didnt know what I could say.Silence since.Oh Help!

[job]

A,
If your h is in mlc, I do not recommend the Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. Many of us discussed this book a very long time ago and the techniques will not "snap" him out of the funk.

What I've suggested all along is to leave him alone. If he contacts you, treat him as you would a friend. Live your life as if he's not coming back and prop the door ajar. If you attempt some of the techniques/suggestions from that book, it may very push him even further away. The book is written for those who are normal and having affairs. Your h is not exactly normal as he is exhibiting confusion, etc.

A, I know you want to do something to shake up the situation, but you can't. The more you push, the harder he's going to pull away. Provide a safe place for him to land. Patience, faith, hope compassion and empathy are your keys for a mlcer.

[fisherman]

Hi A,

I read that book as well, I followed some advice under I believe the section titled "new woman" or something similar and it backfired.

It's a good read for a different sitch. I think most of it is viewed as big time pressure by our s.

T

[arianne123]

Thanks for responses.Every so often I think "I cant bear the uncertainty any more" then I take a deep breath,calm down, and get on with things.I guess it would pressure him more and an ultimatum isnt going to make him more ready to come back- if he ever does.I just want this to be over!But I have come a long way since last May,with the help of people on this board.

[arianne123]

Have heard nothing and havent made any contact. My maintenence money went in on expected date. I think he has set up a standing order. I chose a nice card and wrote "thank you for the money you remembered me "but then i thought this may be pursuing so didnt send it. Its been 5 weeks now no contact. This going dark wasnt planned-I suddenly realised I didnt know what to say when I did call him and the false small talk was a strain. Then, I would go over everything we said and look for clues-ridiculous.I sense he is still thinking things through-this non- contact is a big 180 for me. I think of him daily.Our 29th anniversary is on Dec 19th.I think he is waiting for me to text him as I said I would 5 weeks ago . Ive NEVER not done what I said -I am really reliable where keeping arrangements is concerned.Anyway,this is giving us a breathing space and it feels ok right now.Am dreading Christmas.

[Dawn of Hope]

Dawn I hope you are well today and continuing to battle on with faith .I have been told that God never allows you more pain than you can handle but sometimes we are tested,arent we? May I ask do you think your depression is genetic or a result of childhood trauma?Perhaps you dont want to discuss it though. I am thinking of you anyway.Thanks both for your support x

Arianne,
I'm sorry, I must have missed your thread when it bubbled to the top after this post!

Thank you for your well wishes! I carry on as before--no major changes in my sitch, just minor ones. I always have plenty to say, though, as you can see from most of my posts all over the board!

Regarding the idea that God never gives us more than we can handle--a friend of mine said that is because when we do overload, it's time to hand it over to divine management. Amy C said more or less the same thing on someone's thread on this board recently--she said that we ARE given more than we can handle, so that we will learn to rely on God to handle that, and everything else too.

You were asking about the origin of my depression. I certainly don't mind discussing it at all. I am pretty sure that for me it is primarily genetic. The only major trauma I can identify from my childhood was the death of my father when I was seven. Other than the repercussions of that sitch, I had an okay childhood--my mother was pretty strict, with very high expectations for us, but not to the point of being abusive or anything, and I always knew she loved me.

Genetically, though...it seems that I couldn't have avoided depression no matter how hard I tried. My mother had post-partum depression after my brother was born (when I was five), and the ADs available at that time didn't work well for her; as a matter of fact, I found out recently that she was treated with shock therapy (she was not happy that someone had revealed this to me). She's never been what you might call a joyful person--I often got the impression that she was faking happiness. My father I know less about, but I understand that he was clinically depressed too. My depression hit me when I was 13, and it's been a cloud over my life ever since. My brother (only sibling) ALSO had depression from the age of 13, although I don't think he was ever suicidal, and he was on ADs for a few years starting just before I went on them. So...you can see why it seems sort of inevitable: every member of my immediate family of origin has battled clinical depression. None of us are the life-of-the-party types, although we all have our moments.

So that's my analysis of my depression. Does that answer your question? Feel free to ask anything else you like. Drop a note on my thread if I don't get back to you within a few days--I tend to concentrate on the threads that are at the top of the "most recent post" pages.

Sounds like you are doing well with GAL and going dark...I know how hard it is to make a life for yourself after being wrapped around your H for so long, but you are doing nicely, it seems.

I need to get to bed now, but I hope you continue to feel more peace and joyful moments as you rediscover YOU.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[arianne123]

Hi Dawn great to hear from you.Cant imagine what it must be like to live with such depression. You seem able to "step outside it" though and talk rationally about yourself and your feelings. Your husband is still at home- that must mean something- mine dropped the bomb in a talk taking all of 10 minutes then ran like a rabbit!
I used to pray so hard for God to send him back. Then,after about a year I started to pray that God sent him peace and clarity whatever happened. A very good Christian friend told me that when you ask God for something you get one of 3 answers. "Yes" "Yes but not yet" or " No because this isnt right for you" I hope in my case its number 2 but must accept whatever.Dawn I do wish you peace and joy also have you got nice things in mind for Christmas? Arianne

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi Dawn great to hear from you.Cant imagine what it must be like to live with such depression. You seem able to "step outside it" though and talk rationally about yourself and your feelings.

Hi, Arianne,
Well, it probably has something to do with the fact that I've been through a LOT of therapy and self-analysis. And truth is, I don't really know what it's like to be "normal" (although I'm much better when I'm on functional ADs), and you don't really miss what you've never had--or at least not as much.

Your husband is still at home- that must mean something-

On my more cynical days I think it just means that he is a coward and can't make a decision to save his life! I used to think it was just a matter of finances, but the fact that he's still sleeping in the same bed with me (even though he doesn't touch me, ever) instead of moving to another room tells me there's something else going on there.

-mine dropped the bomb in a talk taking all of 10 minutes then ran like a rabbit!

Wow, that must have been rough! See first half-sentence of paragraph above!

I used to pray so hard for God to send him back. Then,after about a year I started to pray that God sent him peace and clarity whatever happened. A very good Christian friend told me that when you ask God for something you get one of 3 answers. "Yes" "Yes but not yet" or " No because this isnt right for you" I hope in my case its number 2 but must accept whatever.

Yes, I think that is right. Yes, no, or wait. I believe that a piece of paper does not dissolve what God has put together, so I will be married to my H in God's eyes for the rest of our lives regardless of what H does or what happens legally. So if you adhere to that belief, the only possible answer about M restoration is that God is saying "wait."

I am trying to focus on what *I* need to do/change to be ready for restoration of my M, and to draw closer to God, and also praying for similar divine guidance for H. I don't feel that I should tell God what to do, so a lot of the time, I find myself just praying that I, H, and OW will all be guided to God's perfect path for each of us. I believe that God hates divorce, so God's perfect path for H and me will include restoration of our M, and OW's perfect path will lead away from us.

Dawn I do wish you peace and joy also have you got nice things in mind for Christmas? Arianne

Thank you! I wish you the same!

Gosh, Christmas...that's six weeks away, and I barely know what my life is going to be like next week! Thanksgiving is only 2-1/2 weeks away, and I don't even know where I'm going to spend that holiday! I don't know if H will still be living here for either of those or what...I've seen a few possible signs that he *may* be planning to move out, but nothing definite. I do know he has bought tickets for himself and OW to see a show in early January in the area where she lives, so obviously no immediate plans to break that off. We are scheduled to be with my family of origin for Christmas--my family is quite small (4 people, if you count H and me!) and we decided several years ago not to exchange gifts, but H and I always tried to make each other feel really loved by great gifts on special occasions. H's family is much larger (more like 20 people, if you include H's siblings (2 sibs) and their kids/grandkids/spouses/significant others/stepkids) and they still give gifts, so they spill halfway across the room from the tree because there are so many. Most of the time, H and I can fit all of the gifts we have received from his family for Christmas into one envelope (lots of gift certificates)! Not much of a load to carry home!

Last Christmas was awkward; only 2 months post-bomb, H waffling in a major way about staying with me vs. moving out (as he still seems to be waffling, last I heard, but don't really know). We did give each other gifts, but nothing very personal, and I made sure my main gift to him was returnable in case he didn't get me anything. I had told my family about the sitch but wouldn't tell H exactly *what* I had told them, and when we were with H's family (only 2 of whom knew anything about the sitch with H and me, as far as I know), I felt sad because I kept thinking that this might be the last time I ever saw some of these people, who, even if I didn't always fully appreciate them, had been a part of my life for 20 years. Also, at the time my H was still holding my hand and snuggling with me some and kissing me hello and goodbye, but all of that stopped months ago. We're like roommates now, sort of. Ugh!!

Well, I didn't mean to go on and on about myself on your thread! I just ramble a lot...! How about you; what do you plan to make your holidays special? (I need to take my own advice!)

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[arianne123]

Hi Dawn- I get the roomates scenario-our marriage was celibate for the last 16 years!Despite that-which we never talked about-we really enjoyed each others company and cared lots about each other.Still do.I forgot you all have thanksgiving round about now but in England the shops all go Christmas mad about October and its hard not to get carried away .Yep,sounds like tour husband is too weak to make descisions. Mine only ran because we- I- was moving back to my home town and he couldnt face my family. That,and the OW of course.But your husband clearly still cares or he would have gone-they seem able to move on without any regrets.Yes,Its hard to face relatives. His parents are quite old. After he told them, I wrote a letter saying how sorry I was, That I still loved him but couldnt seem to make him happy, and to thank them for being such good parents in law. Also sent gifts last Christmas and will again but havent seen them since-very sad.Ill be spending christmas with my daughter,grandchildren and sister what a blessing. Also,my new miniature schnauzer pup who keeps me busy and offers unconditional love! Great to hear from you take care! Arianne PS I wouldnt think too hard about OW-let it run its course.Ive no idea if my H is still seeing his.