He will. You can always suggest that he do whatever he is asking you to do cuz you have to go here or there. It sounds to me like you have gotten very busy. He doesn't need to know the reason is to distract yourself.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Purple belt is about 2/3rds of the way to a black belt. Takes about 14 months to get there.
How are you at dancing? I was a pathetically awful dancer with terrible balance when I started. But Tae Kwon Do is less about strength and more about balance and rythmic movement. Good dancers make natural Tae Kwon Do students... the rest of us get to work on our balance ;-)
Yoga skills are great as well... they really help in Tae Kwon Do.
Last edited by techguy; 11/08/0804:20 AM.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
I am looking for a bit of advice on DBing the WAS in a MLC and/or depression. I have been posting mainly in newcomers but thought it made sense to ask for this advice here.
I am no longer uncertain as to whether H is suffering from depression.
With this in mind, are the DBing actions still the same with regard to the WAS? I know to continue GAL and PMA for me, regardless of any effect on H. I just wonder, other than expecting change to take a long time, are there other ways in which DB techniques should be altered when dealing with the deeply depressed?
So far, LRT and non-pursuit has worked wonders, so my inclination is to do "more of the same" that has been working.
I can honestly tell you that your original post in this thread is EXACTLY the same words my H said when he slipped into this...
Just wanted you to know that I can understand your sitch and that while I have a couple years on you...I understand some of the things your H is saying because I've heard the words and watched the actions of my own H.
Also...the insight from Techguy is awesome.
And...candles, and candle warmers are the best! The more I found things that heightened my senses...and became passions...like gardening, making things grow (flowers talk to you, you know:)...running, rearranging the furniture...special sheets that feel good....etc.
I wrote a poem about the things I like...I wanted my kids to know that mom liked things!! In just a few minutes, I had 15 or so lines of things I like.
I have talents that my H does not. And, now that I have free time...the kids aren't sucking the life out of me...I feel I'm getting my life back.
Maybe my H senses my 'freedom' from him...
That's a goal I want...to be 'free' of H in an indivual healthy way...and for H to know it.
I also want H to be 'free' to be who he is....if he'd ever find himself! DUH!!
Talk to ya later
Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer H moved out 4/06
7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly 10/30/08 H signed D papers 11/10/08 D papers filed 11/13/08 D papers served at home
I have been posting mainly in Newcomers but I have some questions that I think some of you all have probably experienced.
I am really hoping to hear from those of you dealing with a depressed WAS. I am curious about how well DBing works on someone whose thinking is disordered. My H appears to be pulling further and further away from everyone (not just me as I believed in the beginning of all of this).
How does one DB a separated spouse who is hiding from everyone who knew him before he was depressed? We have one mutual friend who has told me somethings about him (the only reason she knows is they work together) and the rest I have deduced, e.g. will not return emails/phone calls from my nephew (they were good friends).
I have read the DR section on dealing with a depressed spouse and while it says be patient and try to get him to see a counselor, it does not really say much else. So I am wondering if those of you further down the path could tell me about your situations or point out some links for me to read.
It has been suggested that I see Imlin and Yellowrose's threads. I am not very gifted on this site and cannot find the beginning of either of those threads so I cannot really see what happened.
When my H first moved out, he would come over at least once a week and stay for about an hour. As time went on he was here less and less. He looked horrible, had those "dead eyes." Soon after that he would disappear for 6 or 7 weeks and not even realise it had been that long. This went on for a long time. At first I would bug him by calling him. That didn't work, so I forced myself not to call or contact him. I left him alone and let him work through his problems while I worked on myself.
I did notice that my h was really, really depressed. He even talked about taking his life. I was worried and suggested that he seek C. Then he would tell me that there wasn't anything wrong with him. I could see it and so could everyone else. Someone even told him that he needed to be committed. What I am getting at is no one can force them to get C. My h finally did get C after people at work were noticing the changes in him. He was good at hiding it for a long time.
It seems like when the world is crashing around them is when they reach out and go to C. At least that is what happened in my case.
Be patient and be there for him when it starts getting rough. Be the light house.
Thank you so much for coming here, reading my stpry and posting to me. I have been reading your story for the last hour trying to learn.
I know my H is depressed and I think it may also be MLC but some of the symptoms are either missing or different. But I used your description of the six stages (could not get to it on this site, every link I try just takes me to today's threads).
In 2005, H turned 40 and that year he was really upset about turning 40, saying how old he was. Right after his 40th b-day, we made a major move, changed jobs, really uprooted ourselves. I had been a very anxious person and H had dealt with that for a long time but it got really bad after we moved. I had to take a second bar exam (VERY STRESSFUL) which made me a wreck, hard time getting a job, lots of anger, then, finally get a job and serious anxiety kicks in. I was no picnic.
Meanwhile, H is at his third large lawfirm, trying to fit in and it is not going well. He starts to obsess about working out. He lost some weight and then started asking me about calories in foods. Very odd for him. He gave up his hobby, music for almost 3 years. Picked it up again in 2008 when he joined a band but all he did was complain about it. In 2008 he gave up his other hobby, gardening.
By the end of 2006, early 2007 he was actively stating he was unhappy but did not know why, assuring me it was not me but him. Throughout 2007 he became a really angry guy. Almost never directed at me always at work. Though he has been withdrawing from me emotionally this whole time. Throughout 2007, H starts withdrawing from good friends in his home country and talks to his parents far less frequently.
Then, in January 2008, got word that his aunt (w/ whom he is very close) has end-stage cancer. Cut to June 2008, we have an argument about missing a run and he storms home from work grabs a suitcase and says he's leaving. I beg, plead and talk him out of it. Things were tense and then he left in the middle of the day in August, while I was at work.
I have never noticed the "dead eyes" nor did he ever drift off or stare into space.
The last time I saw him, 2.5 weeks ago, he was so thin he looks hollow, his skin was very pale and his hands were shaking. He also has high BP and chest pains. Now that I have been DBing and don't tell him I want to reconcile, he has stopped shouting at me how happy he is to have left me and tells me on his own that he is miserable but never elaborates as to why. I do not push.
I do think he is starting to fall apart, I just do not know if he will reach out for me. He has always been vehemently anti-counseling so I wonder if he'll ever go.
Everytime I tried to tell him he had all the symptoms of depression, he balked, so I stopped that a long time ago. Though he did seem interested in learning that the symptoms could be brought on my hormonal imbalance.
There was one meeting, the first one we had after he left and it was very different than any we have had since or any time we spent together for the year before he left for that matter. He cried when he saw me and he was really warm and open. I suggested that he had too much pressure on him, me, work and his aunt and he said that was true. I said he seemed to be having a mid-life crisis and he agreed. When we parted, he hugged me and when I tried to let go, he pulled me back and hugged me tighter.
Since then the walls have been erected and he has completely shut me out again.
Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to get it out while it was all clear in my mind after starting to read your story.
It helps to see that leaving them alone and leaving them to it can work. Not sure where mine is in the process or if he'll behave typically, if that even exists. I am at the point where I am scared he'll never come back. I am working very hard on me, exercising regularly, eating well, taken up new hobbies and working on getting a social life. I read all the time trying to work on my grief. Lately, as is normal, I am struggling a lot trying to detach. I am not doing very well with that.
Thanks again for posting to me, I really appreciate it.
I could see it and so could everyone else. Someone even told him that he needed to be committed. What I am getting at is no one can force them to get C. My h finally did get C after people at work were noticing the changes in him. He was good at hiding it for a long time.