I didn't ever get to the point of hating my ex. I was terribly angry at him.
Holding on to anger, resentment, any negative feeling does make a person bitter and keeps them from really living in the now. I know as long as I was angry with my ex, I was tied to the past with the crazy "what-if" thinking. How can you have an enjoyable life with that kind of weight in your heart?
I had a nice long weekend, took thurs & friday off, stuff to do that should of been done yrs ago, like take my car for in for two recalls.
Took the girls to go see the Blue Angels, air show, lots of fun & I thought we might of ran into X since it was on his side fo town, but TG we didnt.
Thursday nite as we met for the kid drop off he noticed I was sort of dressed nice and he mad the comment (once more) to the girls- Mommy has a date she's all drerssed up. UGH I made no comment. It really is of no business of his. I know he was waiting for a confirmation of if I was or not, I just smiled and left, as he made a nasty jesture /w his mouth of a BJ.
When he dropped them back, he told me 'wipe my mouth, u still have stuff'.... Its better if I leave it as be or else he thinks he sucked me back into his drama. This way by me ignoring him, he leaves my home quicker. Back in the day I would assure him I wasnt ready to date adn I think he expecting me to continue.
Gosh, he sure didnt linger around this time, I guess I have to keep making him beleive this so his 'nice niceness', then wanting to jump my bones hopefuly stops. He left in a hurry and somewhat pissy??
Hopefully he will get to see I am really trying to stop having those sexual encounters w/ him, I told him last time that we are now D and this part of my life is over. The look on his face of disbelieve?
I don't know chicki, that man does not sound like someone to aspire to. I know this is the DB site, but I don't see a whole lot to respect in him.
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When he dropped them back, he told me 'wipe my mouth, u still have stuff'....
This is not how a man should talk to a woman. This is not respect. This man is toxic. Stay away from him.
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Yeah he thinks he is being funny when he's like that, I no longer laugh, its gotten really old.
It is not just old, it is toxic. You say it is "old" like you are no longer amused. But it was never amusing. You thought it so as a way to protect yourself. It is harassment. In a marriage, it is called abuse. You have been so close to it for so long, you don't realize how toxic it is. You seem think it is just part of the atmosphere, but it is not. You seem to accept it as just part of life. You should not accept this.
Can you not say, "Look, I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. I want you to stop talking to me that way and stop making those gestures. It's not funny, and it's not acceptable. "
Follow up immediately with a written communication, either email or in the mail. It should state that you no longer welcome any of his comments of a sexual nature, during kid exchanges. In the written document, be specific about what he said and did that you find unacceptable. example: You said, "wipe your mouth, you still have stuff." I do not wish to hear these comments from you any longer. You also made a gesture simulating a sexual act. I do not wish to see this around the children. State clearly that you insist that he restrain himself (use that specific word) from making these unwelcome comments and gestures. State that you hope he can respect your wishes.
Save a copy of the written communication. I'll bet if you asked your divorce attorney, s/he would write this up for you free of charge.
And after you give him the clear message that you will not accept it - The next time he does something like this (and he will do it again) say nothing, but shut the door (calmly) in his face, or turn around and quietly and calmly walk away. Act with strength and grace.
And then go to your local jurisdiction and file a formal, legal petition for protection from him. State in the petition that he has continued to harass you even after repeated requests that he stop. This is a hassle but it will work. It will stop the comments and gestures immediately.
Chicki, Do not accept this for yourself any longer. Your daughter needs you to be strong and stop this now. You have lived in this poison for too long; teach your daughter that it is not acceptable, teach her how to stand up for herself with strength and grace.
He is not a man. He is a 12-year old who has no father to teach him right from wrong.
This is not about "Teaching him". There is no hope of that. IT is not about penalizing him. My suggestions are about getting you back to a point of self-respect, where you can recognize when someone is abusing you, and take appropriate action yourself to stop it. I am not suggesting you adopt a "victim" mentality, but instead a "victor" mentality. Own it. Stop the harassment now. Not with anger. With quiet strength.
X is a master manipulator & I have often wondered how can he love me if he doesnt respect me. Do these two not go together? Ive wondered if he is one of those so called women haters?
Once in the past I was trying to figure out if this thing he does was only towards me or if OW gets to see this side of him too. I think he is on his best behavior b/c like he told me before he lives there for free.
Last nite was another example.
He tends to arrive @ the house when Im in the kitchen cooking and frm where the kithchen is you cant see anything or hear when he is coming in. I asked the girls who let daddy in b/c divorced daddies need to stay outside, nope daddy let himself in.
I was cooking when he came up behind me tugging @ my hair so my head was facing up and then he covered my eyes for what seem a long time as I was telling him to let me go as I was cooking. I think he was about to kiss me when he whispered for me to kiss him & I said NO. He wanted sex and I said NO, told me ok your loss as he finally left after attempting several times for me to say ok. Next time I wont be so nice, I really have to stand up to him a guess in a mean way for him to understsand Im serious.
X is a master manipulator & I have often wondered how can he love me if he doesnt respect me. Do these two not go together? Ive wondered if he is one of those so called women haters?
Once in the past I was trying to figure out if this thing he does was only towards me or if OW gets to see this side of him too. I think he is on his best behavior b/c like he told me before he lives there for free.
Last nite was another example.
He tends to arrive @ the house when Im in the kitchen cooking and frm where the kithchen is you cant see anything or hear when he is coming in. I asked the girls who let daddy in b/c divorced daddies need to stay outside, nope daddy let himself in.
I was cooking when he came up behind me tugging @ my hair so my head was facing up and then he covered my eyes for what seem a long time as I was telling him to let me go as I was cooking. I think he was about to kiss me when he whispered for me to kiss him & I said NO. He wanted sex and I said NO, told me ok your loss as he finally left after attempting several times for me to say ok. Next time I wont be so nice, I really have to stand up to him a guess in a mean way for him to understsand Im serious.
chicki,
I am right there with SPM.... The BJ allusion and "wipe off your mouth" is so wrong....
If it were me, I would be a bit forward.... When ex mentions any sex act, I would say.... Sure, I am looking forward to that with my new wife.....
If ex kept asking for sex, I would say something like.... If you and I were still married and you were ACTUALLY faithful to me, we would ML anytime you wanted.... BUT, you chose to have an affair... So, all that pent up sexual energy will have to released when I marry again.... Poor guy... It will takes months to work it all out....
Not quite as "legal" as SPM's answer.... But, I think he'll get the picture....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
But it was never amusing. You thought it so as a way to protect yourself. It is harassment. In a marriage, it is called abuse. You have been so close to it for so long, you don't realize how toxic it is. You seem think it is just part of the atmosphere, but it is not. You seem to accept it as just part of life. You should not accept this.
When I read this how your X behaved I was so appalled I couldn't respond. I think the legal way SPM suggests to respond is also absolutely correct.
Please take these steps. The written component is important because it will document the abuse.
I guarantee that once you start setting firm clear boundaries you will start to heal and grow MUCH MUCH stronger.
You and your girls deserve so much better. And your girls deserve a role model of a mother who won't accept unacceptable behavior from anyone.
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Wow, I thought my STBX was the only one!!! Do they all go to a school or something about this?! I've made the same comment as someone else about serial cheater! If it was murder, he'd be on death row right now!! Chicki, I'm so glad to see that you're doing so well without him and moving on. Way to go!!! I pray for the day when I'm able to as well. You are all inspirations!!!
Me- 29 X - 30 M - 7.5 years Final April 2009 S - 2005 D - 2007
Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
I was cooking when he came up behind me tugging @ my hair so my head was facing up and then he covered my eyes for what seem a long time as I was telling him to let me go as I was cooking. I think he was about to kiss me when he whispered for me to kiss him & I said NO. He wanted sex and I said NO, told me ok your loss as he finally left after attempting several times for me to say ok. Next time I wont be so nice,
Chicki, this is not ok. get it in writing. Get it on letterhead from a legal firm. If your prior attorney won't do it, seek out a women's abuse group - they will have free legal counsel who will be glad to send out a letter to this effect:
It is not ok for him to ask you for sex. It is not ok for him to ask you for a kiss. It is not ok for him to come into the house. It is not ok for him to touch your hair or cover your eyes. It is unwanted and inappropriate and he needs to stop.
Usually I try to make suggestions or hints, but in this case I want to be more direct: Do what I suggest. See an attorney and get this letter sent out to him. Be specific in the letter. Do it. Don't delay.
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I really have to stand up to him a guess in a mean way for him to understsand Im serious.
No: you do not have to be mean. you DO have to be firm and clear. It is not mean to say "NO." You do not have to yell at him, use foul language, raise your voice, call him names, or insult him. (any of which might be considered "mean".) In fact, any of those things will make your statement less effective. You need to be clear, and firm, and calm. State your desires verbally, and then follow up with a letter, clearly written, and specific.
I am all for reconciliation and restoration of marriages, even after divorce. But the reconciliation has to be based on mutual respect. He does not respect you, or your boundaries. This is not what you need. It is not healthy for you.
