Chicki, if it was just "having fun" to you then you wouldn't be asking for our thoughts. I think you know the answer here, he's using you to get his jollies and you're thinking you're better off because life is more peaceful this way. You're not valuing yourself, Chicki. I would suggest you look at why? I know how hard it is when the person you've loved forever rips your heart out and makes you feel worthless, it does things to your head and your self esteem. Maybe, it's making you accept the crumbs he tosses at you as just a little bit of affirmation. I would suggest that if you don't want to continue then don't give him opportunity. Make him wait outside for the kids, lock the bedroom door, whatever works! Good luck with it.
Chicki, I've never posted to you but did read this thread as best I could. Some random thoughts off the top of my head:
- This guy could be carrying STDs since he's been fooling around on you. (Condoms if you are using them aren't foolproof.) - If he's a control freak, this might be his way of weasling himself back into your life, especially (I don't know) if his OW dumped him. - Guys who mentally, verbally, emotionally, or physically abuse women are slick. This is a pretty quick turn-around for him to be "nice" and looking for reasons to come back. From my perspective, it looks like he thinks you are a pushover.
Nothing is wrong with you. However, this is just a few months after all of the troubles that I read about. You are "addicted" to this man...I don't mean that in a bad way because there are a number of biological and chemical reactions that happen when we bond with someone and fall in love with them that do cause a type of "withdrawal" when we end a relationship--these are part of being a human being. But you seem unable to break your need or want of him. You have to do that. You have to become emotionally and mentally strong. Has he been through counseling or therapy? Has he expressed remorse for the things he's done in the past? If not, then don't let him back.
That's just my two cents. I divorced a whack job who became an addict and became pretty verbally abusive. This is time to take care of you and to heal your heart and your soul.
Why cant I just get to a point where I can hate X??
I think my love language is acts of service b/c whenever X does things for me, ie, fix things especially w/out complaining and out of his free will and happily so.....I just melt.....
Last nite he spent his entire time (weekly visit) fixing the girls tv (once more). He attempted to fix it w/out the tv techs help as I was on hold for the dishnetwork's tech. Then the tech went thru the steps w/ us as I was telling X what to do.
X was obviously very tired from work. I was appreciative. SO much so I wanted him physically...I know bad, bad me. I dont know if he could tell, but when it was time for him to leave, I ducked out of his way, hoping he wouldnt notice the look on my face & just say goodbye to only the girls.So, I went to the back patio to finish some laundry and he followed me there saying what r u doing, Im leaving...UGH.
I know and I dont want us back together, we both still have alot of growing to do & I dont want more of his controlling ways.
It doesnt help that D11 told me that daddy told them not to say anything to me or OW, but he showed them where he wanted to live (apart) from OW & asked them what they thought if he lived there by himself.
He really does need that down time alone from me and from OW. D11 wants so badly for him to be away frm OW. She cant stand to be over there on his weekends, says she doesnt like OW daughter and wishes daddy lived alone so it can be just the four of them.
Just my 2 cents, and counseling helped me tremendously with this...but I would say you need to cut off all contact w/ X and build some FIRM boundaries. No contact will allow you to get clear on who he is and how he is treating you. No contact will allow you to grow strong without him and find ways to cope on your own. His visits w/ the girls don't really have to involve you.
If you do this, and give it time, you will be amazed at what you can do and accomplish and feel w/o X. But you need to give it time.
A BOB can help w/ the loneliness. (boyfriend on batteries)
You need to love YOURSELF and then get clear and strong. This is how you can grow.
Your advice about him needing down time alone away from you and OW goes equally well for you.
Again, just 2 cents,
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Yes, I totally agree. We were seperated for a year and during that time I was doing all so well esp when I put the stop of all intimacy.
I was doing sooo good w/ detachment up until here recently. I had started to date ( mostly to distract myself and not for anything seriuos).
Gosh, I was the one who pushed him to get the D over w/ since I couldnt afford my own attorney. He knew of one guy I was seeing for a little while and was even jealous b/c he felt we(me & the kids) prolly had a new famliy. I had to break that off cuz I want ready for serious R but the guy was.
I beleive the reason he needs alone time is b/c he went straight from me to another R. In that sense its a diff kind of growing, to get to know yrself again. But gosh darn it he has to show me his nice self again... Ya know I dont even masturb- soooo I dont know about a BOB. Just dont think it will do the same? Well...I might have to.
Another thing, when he takes the girls on his weeknites, he NEVER stays at the house, last nite was just that he was helping getting the tv fixed. Also, he use to stay inside the car and wait for the girls and now he comes to the door both when picking them up and after? He seems to sometimes linger on, kinda like I asked myself dont u want to go home?
I know the short leash OW has him on is really getting on his nerves.
One more: don't worry about putting your energy into hating him cause that will only turn you into a sour, unlovable person. That will make any relationship you have difficult (to say the least). Put that energy into YOU...that will make any relationship you have wonderful!
I said that b/c I have a freind hwo told me that I MUST get to the point of hating him???
I dont know of anyone that I HATE? How could you possibly try to be more Christlike and have hate in your heart???
I've seen what being bitter and unloveable can do to person -X. I dont want that, I want to be the best example for my precious daughters who look up to me to their everything.
For the longest time I was angry at X. Then I felt sorry for him. Now I feel indifferent. I have to say, it is SO freeing. I don't worry about him, think about him, waste any time on him what so ever. You'll get there!
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
I said that b/c I have a freind hwo told me that I MUST get to the point of hating him???
I dont know of anyone that I HATE? How could you possibly try to be more Christlike and have hate in your heart???
I've seen what being bitter and unloveable can do to person -X. I dont want that, I want to be the best example for my precious daughters who look up to me to their everything.
