glam, Sorry to hear you hurt your back. Glad that the chiropractor was able to help. I too agree that your H is already working on rebuilding your M. Fancy talking about your future together. Maybe he is indirectly making a statement (by not being home yet but still working on the M), that he's working on your M HIS way.
From our outside standpoint, the movement and momentum is all positive, GG!
ps: I like the name Gigi. Sounds so '60's european. I have no idea what you look like, but when I say "Gigi" I picture you, as Gigi, driving an Aston Martin convertible around Monaco in a Sean Connery-era James Bond film.
Hey, I liked that movie, GiGi with Audrey Hepburn, I believe.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hi glam- Hope your back is feeling better. Sounds like things continue to go well with your H. Keep up your focus on the positives so you and things will continue to progress for you and your H.
I needed to work at noon yesterday and h of course was not here. I called him and no answer no return call. Finally after 12 he called and he said he was on his way.
Me: Where are you? I need to be at work at noon. I missed the meeting.
H: Well go to your meeting then.
Me: Well h I have already missed it, it started at noon.
H: You have no idea what is going on with my job.
Click!
Ok so he hangs up on me. Yes, my tone wasn't there. I didn't have my listening ears on. Yes, I was angry. He puts me in jearpardy, when all I ask is that he show up on time to watch the kids so I can get to work on time.
S20 was home sleeping but the kids were outside d4 and s6 which is way to young to leave unattended. How could I live with myself if something happened to our precious children. My h just thinks he can come on his schedule just because s20 is at home.
Now, I have had on going issues with this and have brought it up during c.
I did leave a few sarcastic messages after h hung up. Yes, not in my best judgement, but it's hard for me to tolerate rudeness and disrespect of being hung up on. My h could have said if you don't calm down I will have no choice to hang up.
It's as if he thinks I have NO right to ever get mad. Like a normal R would be one in which their would never be any confrontations. Very unrealistic expectations.
So I left for work as h was arriving. I had a very busy day at work, so I didn't come home for dinner. H called a few times while I was working asking if I was going to take a break. I said I couldn't.
He was nice when I got home, but I could tell there was some tension between us. He is not the type to say, hey I am sorry I should have been here on time. It's always me that has to say sorry h I shouldn't have talked to you that way, and then of course he didn't say I am sorry for being late.
After he left, he called. We chatted for a few minutes and then he said "Don't EVER talk to me that way again". He said you expect so much from me. We ended the convo shortly after that. H said he was done (meaning with the convo). He did say see you tommorrow around 12:30pm. That would be a suprise, since I didn't expect him on a Fri.
He also said "it's done" meaning that his lateness in being their to attend to the kids is fixed. I just said ok, thanks I appreciate it.
My h thinks I expect SO much from him, but is showing up on time so I can go to work expecting too much? I am at a loss here. How is my job not just as important as his?
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I think it's reasonable. Showing up when you say is a kind of basic respect thing in any relationship (married, friends, whatever). It may be true that he was unavoidably delayed. (probably not, but maybe). Still in that case he should have called. Again, basic respect.
Is this an opportunity? If couples learn how to deal with the little conflicts well, they get confidence in each other and feel closer.
Example, "Don't EVER talk to me that way" is not a supportive, nurturing thing to say. Not respectful either. He's issuing a command. That's not ok. That's bad for marital dynamics. Better for him to say "I don't like it when you talk to me that way. " or even "I REALLY hope you never talk to me that way again." He is expressing himself, telling you how he feels.
You could say - I don't like it when you don't show up. I had plans and commitments, and when you don't follow through, I have to break my commitments. when this happens I feel that you don't respect me, my job, my time.
And then there's some opportunity for active listening, back and forth.
---
Him: Why not just go to work? S20 is there.
Her: (Acknowledge the suggestion) It would be nice if S20 were really "there" but he is not. He was sleeping. D4 needs someone to really attend to her.
Him: (ignoring the explanation) Well, I had work stuff, too! I had to blah blah blah. I couldn't leave!
Her: (again returning to solution-focused discussion). Ok, I get it. We both have commitments. Any ideas on how to deal with this better in the future?
Him: Hmmm....
Her: I have one! Wanna hear it?
Him: ok.
Her: I'd like you to tell me, as soon as you know, if you will not be able to make it on time. I don't like bad surprises. Could you do that? as soon as you know.
Him: Well I wasn't sure and (Excuse excuse excuse, mumble). So that's why I didn't call.
Her: (acknowledge) I hear ya. (ignore the implicit invitation to fight about why he didn't call this time. Stay focused on finding a solution for NEXT time). It's hard to know. But look, can you call me if you get a hint that you're not sure you'll be able to make it? Just keep me informed.
Him: ok, I can do that. I have an idea too: let's get S20 to accept some responsibility and help out.
Her: Hmm, ok that might work. Having him truly attend to D4 would help out in a pinch.
Him: (returning to fight about the current situation) I don't understand why you didn't wake him and ask him.
Her: (accepting the invitation to fight) Well I would except (mumble mumble, excuse excuse) and so that's why I didn't ask S20 to do this.
Him: (keeping his head, and giving up the fight) Yeah, I can see that. (returning to solution) Maybe we can have a talk with him together, to get his agreement that he'll be willing to help out in a pinch.
etc.
---
Could you raise it in counseling?
A gentle way to put it into practice is to have a code word that you say when he disrespects you. Like "Sig Heil! Herr General". Maybe a little sarcastic but not biting, and in a funny way. You have to raise your eyebrows and smirk like you are joking. But get your point across gently, that you don't like it when he does or says XXX.
OR.... maybe not. Maybe you don't raise it at all. Just let it slide. Maybe he is not yet ready to engage on this kind of stuff.
In any case don't beat yourself up, you cannot be 100% with listening ears all the time
fter he left, he called. We chatted for a few minutes and then he said "Don't EVER talk to me that way again". He said you expect so much from me.
I believe he felt disrespected and that's why he acted unloving towards you. See "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. Even when we don't mean to be disrespectful, it can come across tht way to men. They nd us see nd hear and say the same things differently. And when they feel disrespected they feel as bad as we feel when we feel unloved. Just my 2 cents.
