At this point, I do not think there would be any advantage to writing a letter. I am really not in favour of letters. What are you trying to accomplish by writing her a letter? What is your goal...how are you expecting her to react to it?
It seems to me the trend of all her excuses were that she didnt feel loved by me. I had never heard that from her and am totally pissed off that she could just cold quit our marriage without truly telling me what she needed. I am sorry after learning what the issues are that I could not or was not allowed to make an effort to satisfy them. Thats what ticks me off the most.
Now...we basically have no contact, she shows absolutely no interest in even talking to me, and we are completely over the cliff on divorce. I dont know how to turn her head on this race.
I was watching Dr. Phil last night and they had this couple on there. The W had filed for D. Yet, even though the DAM had cheated on her many times, said completely stupid stuff on the show, for some reason the pregnant W still wanted to see if they could possibly work it out. It was so obvious this guy was a jerk and Dr. Phil was totally embarrassing him, I think he finally convinced the W that she should go ahead with the D.
My point of view is I never had any issues like this with my W. Yet, she doesnt love me anymore and now must hit the road. No questions asked..just see ya...
You are not alone here....we are all pretty much in the same boat. This was totally unexpected (or pretty close to it). In my case and in most others I think, there is another person involved. If that person is still around, turning this around is near impossible. I think you need to get to a place where you have to accept what is happening. Do you think I understand my W's actions in the last 1.5 years? I have to accept that she lost it big time .... back somewhat but not all the way. During the time that my W was way out there, a baseball bat to her forehead would not have changed anything, let alone a letter. In my opinion and for what it is worth, the day she feels that you have detached is the day she "MAY" have second thoughts. Sorry to be so blunt my friend but that is the reality of our situations.
I think there was another person, and this pushed her over the edge that perhaps the grass could be greener. I dont think this person is around anymore...could be wrong. The grass could have been greener right here if she just would have communicated her needs. Now..she will move on to yellow grass with patches of green.
I dont want this, dont think its fair, think she's being stupid, inpatient, spontaneous, and a whole bunch of other crap...there...hows that for a small venting session.
I hear you Tostada. I've have been there also and then some....and I feel for you. The bottom line is ....and it pains me to say this...it does not matter what you want right now. hell it doesn't even matter what you think about fairness or any other issue. She is in control and there is very little that you can do to from what i gather to change things in the short term. There is alot you can do however to guarantee that she will keep going in the other direction. I know his is not very positive but it is my reality and that of many others i have followed here. Just make sure that when she is ready to perhaps be more shall we say "amicable" that the Tostada she sees is one that reminds her of the pre bomb days. In the meantime, vent away in this forum my friend and try to do things that make you happy.
What John is saying is so true. A letter will not bring her back. She has to figure out on her own what she wants.
Originally Posted By: Tostada
I dont want this, dont think its fair, think she's being stupid, inpatient, spontaneous, and a whole bunch of other crap...there...hows that for a small venting session.
You keep thinking this and pretty soon you are going to start wondering why you want such a woman back in the first place. You want what she once was.
My kids seem to be doing pretty well. My daughter called me last night from W house. I could hear W in the background nagging on her...my daughter says 'someone is really cranky, I'll call you tonight from my bed'...pretty funny. She did call me later to say goodnight...
As you know I did send my W a bday card. Didnt put much on the card, hope you are feeling ok, wish you the best. We did talk on the phone prior to her bday and she was giving me all the plans of the event of the queen...I think she had a few bottles of wine in her. We talked about her trip to SF. She never really wanted to go with me there when I proposed a trip and she couldnt remember even being there with me on a prior trip. She was going to stay in the same hotel we stayed in, but couldnt remember the trip. Just amazing.
I have basically been ignoring her txts, emails, voicemails. I dont even reply. Forget it...whats the point.
So..today I get this:
"Hi there - I rarely check my mail...I know you are not surprised. Thank you very much for the birthday card. I had a really good birthday. 22 girlfriends joined me for dinner on Thursday night at the xxx restraunt. It was really nice to see so many people come. XX, XX and I had a blast in San Francisco...I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It felt good.
Hope all is well with you."
I'm not sure what to think of this...probably not much and I havent really contemplated a reply, thinking of no reply. I feel like she is trying to tell me she's as popular as ever, life is great, yadda yadda yadda......and, I'm thinking the insecure side is showing a little too. She cant believe all her friends showed up and that the laughing is making her feel good...she must not be soooo happy if she hasnt laughed lately.
I'm sure she doesnt like me ignoring her either...too bad.
That's right, she is trying to convince herself by convincing you that life is all roses. Keep ignoring her. It will preserve your mental sanity and make her wonder why you don't care any more which will put additional stress on her.
well...im moving into full negotiation of mediation with W of D on the final segment.
my emotions just totally suck right now...this isnt what i want...
this is the worst night emotionally I have had in quite some time. I loved my W. This isnt what I want.
I havent talked to her for several weeks. she sent me an email scorching me because my L asked her L what year her car was. it's all my fault of course. I didnt ask for any of this. she is so screwed up. I just wish she was who she was a couple years ago. she's messed up and a couple people helped her get that way.
there's a picture in my office of her that I carried around in my wallet for a long time. I loved my W a lot. she loved me. I wish we had that back.
hi there Tostada...of course you love your wife...that goes without saying - I guess what you find difficult is how she's acting and the decisions she's making...
What are your options in this? From your posts it comes across as if you have decided not to do anything...just "check out"...
What could you do that is positive - even if for you only? In DB terms - is there anything you could try that is different? An observer gets the impression that whats going on at the moment isn't working...
I know it seems like things are inevitable right now but keep going...even if just for yourself and your kids -- not other motivation needed!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
