Update - 1 year after divorce

[MaxP]

Dana,

I don't tend to read much or hang around here any more, but occasionally drop by to read how others are doing, sometimes when I'm feeling a little low. I feel compelled to comment on what you have written however.

I wanted to say that you speak with great clarity and honesty. It is spooky sometimes to read others thoughts on their sitch and be struck at how similar someone else's feelings can be to your own. I almost wrote 'are you me?' in jest. Still, I am at a different point on my journey and have come via a different route too. D still to come, presumably middle to latter half of next year. Life is good though, despite some lingering thoughts over the past. It's the dreams I find hardest.

Thanks,

Max

[galing]

I'm pushing this up on the boards. A while back, people seemed to find it helpful, so maybe if they read the beginning story again (page 1), others will find it helpful too.

I've been talking with a couple that is going through a "separation" and it just reminds me of all that I/we on these boards have gone through. There are many strong people here. Believe in yourself. Give your spouse and yourself space.

If I were to do things over again, because my spouse was having an affair of some kind (although I didn't know for sure so I didn't really believe it because it was too hard to imagine), I would have cut off communications from the beginning and focused on making me a better me, rather than tried to convince him that I was a better me. Nothing I could say or do was going to change his actions and he had to find his path in his way, in his time, and making myself a part of that equation/picture, wasn't healthy for me. Those actions (cutting off contact immediately) may or may not have changed the outcome, but it would have saved me a lot of pain and frustration if I had truly focused on me. It wasn't until I got to a point where I could fully give him and myself space and let go, that he had regrets and began to come back, and by then, I realized it was too late for me.

Too often, when we do DBing, we make it about the other person, not ourself. Maybe it's just human nature because you want to save your marriage so badly and it's all so crazy, and it's hard to let go/detach that quickly and has to be a process.

Remember: Time has a way of working things out the way that they are supposed to be. Focus on you. The sooner you can do that, the sooner you can stop trying to control what someone else will do, think, how they'll act and if they'll come back or not - the sooner you'll begin to heal and be happy and find an answer one way or another.

Wishing everyone many blessings and happiness.