Quote: I really have to stop thinking about the man I created him out to be and in all honesty, he really wasn't
Hi Donna , had a good read through your last couple of posts and I think you realy nailed it , I can see a lot of my W in how your H is and I would bet that there are plenty of others on this board who would be the same.
I think that there is only a small proportion of people who go through a break up that would end up going through the efforts that most that come here do to save thier R. Generaly the people here are the much stronger party in thier R even if they did not feel that way at the time.
For example in most cases here there is OM or OW involved. The WAS having got involved with the other party to find something they needed or wanted. They did this while in an R with someone who still cared for them. Yet I see many people here who will not go down that path , even though thier partner is with OM or OW . That shows real strength.
I think my W was like your H , trying to be the person she thought others expected her to be , rather than be herself.
Just back, and I have to nap. It took me more than 4 hours last night to write that last long post. It is a very hard question for me to deal with, and there is a lot going on in there.
I copied my last 2 threads and brought them with me to IC.
These are themes that we have touched on before, but from a different place.
What she'd like me to do:
1. Keep that list of his wrongs with me - next to the bed, in my planner, on my laptop, etc. Reread as needed / when I get weaker.
2. Be careful of the increase in contact from him (there has been more emails because of his buying the house and settling the last of the D agreement). Use the 24 hour rule, keep all emotion out of it.
3. Don't push through the new realizations about the marriage too quickly. So much of it was influenced and skewed by my family of origin and being ACOA. This is the next week we are gearing up for, as I get stronger. We'll look at those issues and finally start dealing with them for good. I had a glimpse of that today. She wants the learning and realizations to come from within me, not be influenced too much by the board and friends.
4. Try not to react with my kids about X trying to pull the Brady Bunch thing. Yes, they are adaptable and trying to make the best of it (when I wish they would be more reluctant), but they aren't all living together yet, and my kids don't realize that he will be full-time with someone else's kids, but part-time with his own. Let it lay, just be there for him.
5. Get with MIL about not using me as an excuse to avoid conflict with her son. The subject has already been broached with FIL, who assures me its not. He said he appreciated my telling them that I wanted to lean on them less, so they could work out their Rs with their kids. He just asked that I give them a heads-up if I am going to be out late - he is still a dad, and worries.
6. Make plans now for Thanksgiving. I'm not going to the X's family overnight/reunion; I know that, now. So, I'll look to see who of family/friends might be around, or maybe work in a soup kitchen....
The trauma you and I have been through is equivalent to a car accident or PTSD. Our serene world that we loved was ripped out from under us. I think the list of bad things is a great idea. It's easier said than done. I get that. Hav a good weekend. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite hoilday of the year. We'd travel to her Dad's on the Cape and have a great time. She MUST have been very unhappy to give up all of that. Maybe it's just me.
The unhappiness that they felt - I still feel guilty about that. I never wanted him to be unhappy or hurt. It was unintentional, I think from both (most) of us. But it was there. My x gave up his home, his money, time with kids, his parents, his integrity and standing, the list goes on and on. But given his options, he feels that this is the better one for him. That shows me how much he was hurting.
The main difference is in how each partner in the marriage deals with the pain. The people who leave feel that that is the only option. We see chances to work it out, that love can be restored. It is a difference in values. And I don't think any of us can influence that.
As for us, PTSD....I really think so. It was what I suffered through, I am pretty sure. And like recovery of that, at first the "re-enactment" happens randomly, then only from certain triggers. I hope to build up tolerance to exposure, so sometime in the future I can work with this man around kids' issues.
The trauma you and I have been through is equivalent to a car accident or PTSD. Our serene world that we loved was ripped out from under us. I think the list of bad things is a great idea. It's easier said than done. I get that. Hav a good weekend. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite hoilday of the year. We'd travel to her Dad's on the Cape and have a great time. She MUST have been very unhappy to give up all of that. Maybe it's just me.
FLTC,
PTSD.... I totally agree....
As for giving up Thanksgiving traditions.... Let me see... ExW and I used to go to Cracker Barrel with SIL and BIL....
Last year, I went there with my "new" family including Wifey... I was just sitting there... Wifey and I were being a little touchy feely.... I look over... Looking STRAIGHT at me is former BIL! I assume exW was there as well... I did not even bother to look..... I just smiled and continued on.... The funny thing is we used to linger at the gift shop for at least 30 minutes..... I looked up and all of them blazed out of there like there was a fire...
Take Care,
RMG
Last edited by RMG; 10/10/0810:27 PM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
They really view the world differently than us. I was unhappy, because she was unhappy and took it out on me. I was a beaten dog, but would never think of leaving. I was convinced I would never have sex again, but that was OK as long as the "family was together". Maybe, I'M the crazy one.
Keeping this very brief tonight; I'm tired. Had a great day with the kids.
Spoke with x on Thurs and realized just how over it is. No fight, no flare up....just recognized that he is in the same place and may never move or wake up, and that I don't want someone like that in my life.
Emailed back and forth with my estranged sister a little over the last month; we are both dealing with how our past has influenced our outlooks on life, and both trying hard to become better people. We can't do that together right now, but "it is what it is," and I can live with it.
My next issue will be trying to figure out how to deal with gf issue. Her H was home this weekend, and at one point, I had 3 of her 4 girls visiting at my house. My D slept over their house Fri night. It is too bizarre on SO many levels. It will be better when they move. But I think her stbxh might keep the house...
Spoke with my friend down the street. She told me that X is sick of "hiding and sneaking around" from his family of origin, and they will either accept his life as he chooses it to be, with the gf, or he doesn't need them - that is directed mostly to his own parents. Sad to hear, but I'm not surprised. All between all of them. It is his path, as I told him Thursday.
I sat down with the kids tonight, setting up a schedule for fun, homework and chores for ALL of us, so I can get on top of this house in a better way. I am determined to learn how to do this, although it is something I have struggled my whole life with. And hopefully, my kids will learn something by it, too.
My goal: to feel comfortable - even great - when anyone pops over to visit. Kids' friends, my friends, whoever. Down to the guest accomodations, if we ever need it at a moments' notice. FlyLady has her job cut out for her! I dealt with my ADD/creative&cluttered ways by knowing that my H was there to help me out - I don't have that, anymore, so now I have to learn to do it on my own. This is who I am, so I have to find a way to work with it, no more dependence on someone else. The kids' biggest contribution will be to just pick up after themselves, once a day for 15 minutes. I can't come home to the paths of destruction that they leave in their wake with everything they do....
I've never seen on a tombstone or in an obit, "She kept a very clean house." You are doing a lot -- working, taking care of the kids, house, yard. Personally, I rarely invite anyone in, but if I do, I assume that they are there to visit us, not to judge my housekeeping skills. It would be nice if the house were picked up, but unless they give me 2 days notice that they are coming, it isn't.
Donna, I cant imagine how hard it must be to have OW so involved in your life right now. You have been doing great and I can hear the strength coming from you. I am so impressed with how detached you are getting in this sitch, especially having in-laws right there. Keep up working on yourself and GAL.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I assume exW was there as well... I did not even bother to look..... I just smiled and continued on....