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A Message from Michele
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Re: What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage [Re: 3K451] #2562826
04/30/15 05:18 PM
04/30/15 05:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 26
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ntincu Offline
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ntincu  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 26
After my ex announced that she wanted counseling, I tried to figure out the best I could what I was doing to harm my marriage, but the damage was already past repair. Her confronting me was like getting doused with cold water. It really woke me up to how my depression was affecting everyone. I really wish it hadn't taken that to get me to see it.

I think I also became focused on myself too much, partly a symptom of depression I guess. I was self-absorbed and surly/whiny. She lacked the social skills to call me on my behavior. She held everything in until it exploded, and then it was over. We never argued, but a lot of that was that she couldn't handle confrontation. Talking about her feelings openly is something she isn't good at.

I never was able to find out what her reasons were for the divorce. She just said she was unhappy. I suspected another man, but never had conclusive proof. She is now openly dating the guy I suspected she was having an affair with.

For my part I think my real contribution to the end of my marriage is that I closed her out. I didn't leave any room for her, so she found room somewhere else. I'm not excusing her actions, but I have to admit where I went wrong. I hope she sees where she was at fault, but unfortunately I think I'm still the fall guy in that relationship. I'm hoping for the sake of my kids that she doesn't keep repeating the same mistake.


Me: 43 W:36
Married:9yrs
D: 7 D: 3
Dropped Bomb: 1/12
Start Reconcile: 3/12
Filed Papers: 7/13
Divorced: 10/14
Re: What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage [Re: ntincu] #2607821
09/18/15 12:14 PM
09/18/15 12:14 PM
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 2
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Tman Offline
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 2
I stumbled across this thread while searching for answers to my own questions. This particular topic is one of the most painful of all of the lessons we are presented thru a divorce.
When my ex first left me, I was very angry and spent the next several months blaming her, justifying blaming her or justifying myself for blaming her for everything!
The reality is that I played a huge role in the demise of my marriage. I made many mistakes. I withdrew, I was depressed, I was afraid. All of these were the result of my biggest mistake of not taking care of my self. I allowed my failures and my mistakes to define who I was. I stopped being me in trying to fill some imperfectly preconceived idea of whatever role I was supposed to be playing (husband, father, provider, etc).
By not taking care of myself, the relationship crumbled.

Re: What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage [Re: Tman] #2614066
10/10/15 01:16 AM
10/10/15 01:16 AM
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
twilight zone
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JksD Offline
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Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
twilight zone
I wish I had come across this website in the months leading to the divorce. I was and still am in a very bad place. But this forum has given me a lot of encouragement. Wished that I had read Michele's books before rather than after the divorce.

I had already realised the part I've played in the failure of my marriage in the months leading to the divorce. We have always had communication issues throughout our marriage, right from the very first year. I tried counselling a few times and to give him credit, he did attend a few sessions. We always stopped because he felt that the counsellors were biased against him and I felt that it was futile.

I started shutting myself out from him emotionally as well as physically. The physical part wasn't really intentional as I was on med that affected my libido. The emotional part was a way of protecting myself as he is very emotionally detached. He wanted and still wants a fairy tale life with none of the stresses of reality. The only way I could take on everything myself and not crumble was to withdraw.

Nevertheless, I realise that as hurt as I was and am by his violent outbursts and his affair, and his threat to cut off our child from his life if I were to stop the divorce, the actions that I had taken to protect myself would have hurt him as well.

After reading all the self- help books that I could have done things differently to reach out to him and meet our needs better. But hindsight is a bittersweet pill to swallow.

So here I am now, in limboland after the divorce. Do I go on with my life or do I try to see if reconciliation is possible? Leading to the divorce, he has suggested reconciliation a few times but each time, he would change his mind. The first few times, he decided to take his chance with th OW. The last time he mentioned reconciliation, he insisted that the divorce would still go through, especially after I insisted that he cut off all contact with the OW.

And now, he sees our kid almost every night, and tells me that he has never said that he didnt want me to join them for dinners. What gives?

Anyway, sorty for hijacking this thread. Was feeling rather emotional and down today.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Re: What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage [Re: JksD] #2638344
01/04/16 10:15 PM
01/04/16 10:15 PM
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 58
Northern Indiana
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Nate W Offline
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Nate W  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 58
Northern Indiana
I definitely played a big part of the breakdown of my marriage.

I never delt with my childhood issues that left me full of pain, negativity and hatred. I had emotional affairs and became addicted to porn as well as battling alcoholism. I would go out to bars with friends get trashed and act stupid but wouldn't do very much with her. I fought depression and totally shut down and pushed her away and abandoned her. When my dad died I wouldn't let her in to help me when I needed her the most. We had the separation and marriage counseling talk about a year prior to the total breakdown and I smooth talked my way out it and promising change that didn't last long. After we separated I didn't giver her the space she needed and pushed further and further away.....


M 39 XW 35
T 11 M 7.5 No Kids
BD 8/15 Served 9/15
D 12/15

I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been-- David Coverdale
Re: What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage [Re: mastateflower] #2712876
10/28/16 10:09 AM
10/28/16 10:09 AM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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Posts: 182
I believe that I didn't try to fulfill her needs before mine, not always the case, but more so after I discovered something fishy was going on. I also reacted to what she said without validating her feelings, I didn't pay enough attention to the emotions behind her words.
When we would drink together, there where times that I became over critical and a fight would ensue. I would also say that this pattern was escalated because she would often lure me into that behavior. It was a viscous cycle.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Re: What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage [Re: coffee_] #2715714
11/12/16 08:36 PM
11/12/16 08:36 PM
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Washington
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ciluzen Offline
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Washington
I didn't know how to listen without talking or validating his feelings. I was so co-dependent that I had no life outside of him, the kids, and the people he chose to be friends with. I thought that was showing him how much I loved him. I was vocal about my unhappiness with always doing his activities, his things he wanted to do, but never tried to make myself happy. The only thing I did for myself was to do things for the kids...still not what I wanted to do but what I felt I should. When he started looking elsewhere (EA) I attacked him, but still didn't work on me. You live, you learn, I guess.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Re: What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage [Re: ciluzen] #2726852
01/23/17 12:10 PM
01/23/17 12:10 PM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 2,937
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Joined: Mar 2015
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It took me a long time to be able to post in this thread. Reason being, is that I really beat myself up over the demise of my marriage. Truly.

However, it wasn't until after BD that realization of a few things - mainly my ex's issues resulting from the abuse she suffered from early childhood until early adulthood. I'm not putting the blame entirely in her basket, as that wouldn't be truthful. While a good bit can - and should - fall on her shoulders, it can't entirely.

Two main things stand out in my case: My reactions (for lack of better word) and my relationship with her sister. Sister first - that couldn't be helped, for the most part. While I could have just sit there and let the sister run roughshod over both me and my ex, I didn't. It's not in my nature to stand idly by and let someone attempt to dominate me - or my ex, for that matter. So a lot of friction resulted from that part of the relationship. It didn't help that the x-SIL tried to split us up from when we were dating (it was later revealed that this has happened in every one of the ex's relationships).

And then there are my reactions, I guess you could call them. My ex was a "yes" person who never once stood up for herself. My IC (who was our MC) said it was probably a survival technique left over from her childhood. So, whenever something came up - whether it be an argument, something she wanted to do/go, her sister, whatever - she only asked once and that was it. No more. No discussions, just asking one time. In MC, she had said that if it were important, she wouldn't have to mention something more than once... Out of that, she got the idea that I was insensitive, when in reality the truth of the matter was that she didn't stand up and say/ask.

Had I known her past, I could have gone a different direction and wouldn't be here today. I guess not knowing is sort of being insensitive, is it not? They say one should know automatically, but how can you?

So, I guess that's my contribution to the demise. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the little flags, but how could you when something is said once?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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