I haven't posted to you before and may be completely off mark. If I am, just ignore it, k?
Don't want to piss on your parade, but you have a bunch of peeps telling you to be careful. It is for a good reason.
Have you dealt with your half of the fall of your marriage? What you contributed, or didn't contribute, to it? What was it that pulled it apart? Have you done your own work?
If not, getting into this R will only drag along the place where you are - if you haven't worked on you, you're going into it with all the same habits, problems, quirks, etc., that got you separated in the first place.
It is experience talking to you right now, friend. I did get involved with someone while separated. He was also newly alone after a long M. It felt great, and gave us something to talk about (not that we talked much). But I am SO LUCKY that he moved across the country! Neither one of us got hurt, and we could have. It probably did delay some of my journey through to the other side, though.
If you need a break, a little fun, do that with eyes wide open, too. Without a recent break-up in her past, she might be more ready than you are to develop this into something, and then she will be hurt.
Cheers people and thank you Donna. I'm of the all comments and opinions gratefully accepted brigade.
OW has been single for 6 months or so, but I am still a little miffed to what she sees in me. We are 2 very different people, but then maybe that's the attraction, I guess it is with me.
I have done a lot of looking at myself yes and hold my hands up to the fact I had become a person I did not like for 2-3 years. I became a yes man to my W, I clung to something that in hindsight was not healthy for me. I'm not saying it's my W's fault, I was to much of a wimp to stand my ground. I gave up everything I loved over 6 years once we had our first child trying to be the husband she wanted. Close friends have even said that I was what she made me and now she doesn't like it and they are right.
Eyes wide open. We had meal last night and was real nice, she's got me trying different foods and it was nice. She has a tough job I think and did seema little stressed, but she chilled out after a few wines. Not sure how keen she is, sometimes seems very much so and then others she seems to be questioning her choice in her head.
interesting evening last night. Had to go to sons school for open evening to the Juniors (next school up) with W and was totally cool with it all. Felt so relaxed with her and was joking a bit with another dad and the mums who are W's friends. Had a strange chat on the way home where I was questioned about my night out Saturday briefly and then told how I never danced and never went to things like that all the time we were together. I just replied, that was as I was more concerned with the bills, being a good husband and spending time with my W and then a father.
Oh and on the way there, she told me to go to one entrance and I thought it was the other, so she said 'I don't no why I bother, I don't no why I even talk to you'. I said, well, I wish you would as it's boring and nothing but nagging or nasty anyway and pumped up the volume and sang along to some splitting up record on the radio...lol. Think she is seeing I'm happy now and not liking it.
The scary thing is, I don't want her anymore. I think you get to a point where you just move on. I cannot ever see her becoming a different person or making sufficient changes to be someone I could love again to want to even try. Not saying that she wants that but it was the first time I've felt any sort of softening from her....I hope it's just to make the D amicable and to be friends.
Arthur, I've been following your sitch for as long as i've been here, you've been properly cared for by everyone here, and I've learned much from you and Mike. thank you for that.
i just wanted to say congrats, and happy you've found yourself a bit of happiness in the middle of what you're going through. reading you say that you've smiled and laughed and felt happiness gives me much hope.
like yourself i've reached that Done point. mine came a couple weeks ago, after a conversation with a mutual friend and finding the Tiffany's gift card for a necklace the OM gave my STBXW. when you're done you're done and you can move on and continue on your healing.
again, congrats on your happiness, any friend of Mikes is a friend, no doubt.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I believe I've become and will be a better dad for this. I actually think my kids will be fine now, that fear has gone. When I see them they are happy and I try and ensure I have some sort of plan for something to do that they will like (lacking ideas this Saturday if it rains though, but always a swimming pool !!!). They also seem happier doing things with W that she might not of done when me there and they are also spending more time with their grand parents who are helping out more which is great.
Once your done, happy in yourself you really start looking forward and start to be more positive. I thank my W for the years together, the good time and most of all my boys. It's been a period in my life and it hasn't owrked so time to move on and get busy living again, something that I can see I'd stopped doing for 2 years +
Arthur, you sound like a UK clone of myself. I too felt like a "Yes" man throughout my M and possibly sacrificed too much of myself to try to make my W happy. And you are moving on with the same attitude as I - keeping things amicable with the STBXW and creating some luster in your life with some dating.
I think we all become yes men in our M. We think that is what will make our W happy and in return make us happy. When in fact if we would just stay who we are and continue to make ourselves happy and not let all the distractions of kids, work and the house get in the way most of us would not be here right now.
Hindsight is 20/20 but I am glad that you are happier now A and that this has made you a better father and person. You sound really good and content with your decision. But remember your boys are still hurting on the inside and will for quite a while so make sure you are always there for them.
I know I sound like a broken record but my dad called every week and saw us as oftern as he could. He made sure when we were with him that we had fun wether it was throwing a ball around or working in the yard together. He lived 1-1/2 hours away so he missed almost all of our sporting events but when we did get together we had his undivided attention and that is what I remember the most.
Tim, your insight from a child's perspective is great, i'd appreciate more if you wouldnt mind. my little angel is going to be 3 soon, and i'd hate to make any more mistakes than necessary.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
