2 weeks to get ready for The R Talk......

[job]

A,
You'll slowly get to the other side of life, whereby you won't have and/or feel the "need" to contact your h. When separating the assets/financial items, it takes time and if your h isn't willing to meet w/you, you just might have to take care of them yourself. It sounds like he really doesn't want anything legalized in the way of splitting up things.

I'm not surprised at all to read that he's not called you up. They say things and yet don't follow through in many instances. This is where you need to keep your expectations at zero at all times. The person you were familiar w/and knew very well, is not longer that person. If he's depressed, he's going to be forgetful or because he doesn't want this conversation, will conveniently forget about calling you. What do you do? Go on w/your life and take care of the business that affects you.

Until you are fully detached and able to stop focusing on him the way you are, you will not be able to move on as easily as you think. Detaching is not easy to do and the more you focus on him, the harder it is. That's why it's very important to find other things to do to take your mind off of him, what he's doing, etc. You'll get there in time....

[arianne123]

Thanks snodderly youre better than all the counsellors Ive seen who,in the main,say things like" This man isnt worth it just divorce him...Why hold on" etc)I am amazed how slow the detachment and healing is. I now have a dull ache inside all the time instead of the awful stomach punches I got at the beginning so I am making some progress.How much better I feel is definitely related to how busy I am. When I was teaching full time earlier this year I felt much better. Im going to do 2 days a week now but have arranged some classes for my days off and will get into a routine. Furnishing my new rented house will be fun too.I dont think I will ever stop loving him though...He isnt a bad person just so weak and confused.

[arianne123]

Havent posted for a while-no change in the situation.He calls quite regularly and is curious I know about my new house but I havent invited him up or said when are you next coming to see me etc like I used to. Im getting used to being alone,not constantly checking my phone for missed calls,going over our last conversation in detail etc.He said when I asked how are you "not so good" he is worried about his parents his job and his health(another illness this time an infection)When I said "shall we both just let the soliciters sort out the money? he said then we would lose control. He is giving me maintenence.He did sound quite blue when he rang on
Sunday. I did say I feel I cant move on as long as we are still married because being married means something to me is that silly? He said no it wasnt silly.My gut feeling is that he is still"swinging" and is unsure what he wants. I think he can sense that I am withdrawing but truthfully I cant give up hope on us.Its now 16 months post bomb-separated for most of them though we keep up contact.Obviously he is not as happy as he thought he would be when he left.I guess time is on my side.Meanwhile life goes on I am not happy,but busy and content,not so anxious. Can live without him-am doing.Wouldnt have thought so last year at this time.

[Dawn of Hope]

Arianne,
I have just read through your thread; you sound much better now than you did in the beginning! There are plenty of others here who have more experience than I and can perhaps can advise you better (snodderly is a gold mine!); however, I think that if your H is giving you some money, that is as much as you can expect from him right now. You just have to pretend you're single as far as just about everything except dating, I think.

It sounds like you are beginning to detach, which is very good! I think your best option is to keep detaching, GAL like crazy, and leave him alone to flap in the breeze! No R talks, no D talk, don't bring up anything negative, and if he does, just listen and validate. He doesn't know who he is, where he's going, what he wants...so DON'T ASK him about any of that, because he can't give you a straight answer and it puts pressure on him. If he contacts you, be light and positive and friendly. Otherwise, leave him alone to sort himself out, because any demands or pressure or questions from you (pure as your intentions may be) are just going to complicate and prolong the process, IMHO.

I have to tell you that this takes a while, but "fake it 'til you make it" really does work eventually. I am living proof. I have a VERY long history of serious depression (almost 30 years), and I seriously considered suicide EVERY SINGLE DAY for about three months after I found out about my H's OW. I had purchased the means for my suicide (sleeping pills), and had a plan for when and how I was going to do it, and was mentally writing my final letters to loved ones and thinking about how would be best to get them delivered, and was considering how to find a lawyer to prepare a will and other final documents. I have been in suicidal mode many times in my life, but this was by far the longest period that I was so close to actually taking that final step. The only times during that period that I wasn't thinking about suicide, I was thinking about murder and mutilation (you can guess who the subjects might have been).

Finally, FINALLY, my antidepressants kicked in, and I slowly started to feel like death might not actually be the option that would make me feel the best. (I have been on antidepressants in the past, and before, when they kicked in, it was a sudden, dramatic difference--going from depressed to relatively happy in half a day. This time the improvement was much, much more gradual--took about three weeks after they started working for me to be sure of it.) I began doing GAL activities, as much as I could stand (I'm an introvert, so being with people is a drain on my energy). I spent a LOT of time, and every iota of my energy, pretending to be much happier than I actually was with most people, especially with my H, which really confused him because I had never hidden my depression from him before, so he was used to seeing this very sad person, and it was one of the major issues in fracturing our M. Very, very slowly, I was faking my happiness less, and feeling it more, until today, one year after my descent into the tenth level of H-E-double-toothpicks, I would estimate that I am at least as happy as the average person who has no major crisis occurring or history of depression. And THAT, my friend, is a miracle in itself!

I would not be here today were it not for four factors: 1) God; 2) friends and relatives who went above and beyond to help and support me during this horrific experience; 3) antidepressants (when they finally started working); and 4) having been through a similar but less serious experience six years earlier (although it certainly felt serious enough at the time!), and knowing from that nightmare experience that if I could just hang on to the edge of the cliff a little longer, I would eventually feel better and be able to climb back over and away from the edge of the abyss, due to both the passage of time and the effect of functioning antidepressants. There were many times that I didn't think I could stand it for another five minutes--I had "emotional hives" (not an actual physical ailment) and wanted to crawl out of my skin all the time--but I did stand it, and managed the five minutes after that, and so on, until, after what seemed like eternity, I eventually found myself in a pretty good place emotionally.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my H still seems pretty miserable, despite still going hot and heavy with OW, and also despite the fact that I have done everything I can think of to avoid being the source of a problem in his life--no pressure, no demands, no nastiness or arguing, always calm and pleasant to him and just accept whatever he dishes out and let it roll off my back, don't take offense. By no stretch of the imagination am I perfect, but I do pretty well with DBing. I am sure he finds a million things about me to gripe about to other people, but the fact is that they are nearly all either quite minor, totally in the past, or all in his head. For example, he probably blames me for preventing him from living with OW, but the fact is, he has never indicated any definite plans to move out of the marital home (although he has indicated several times that he is considering it), and I have not tried to stop him from doing so in any way other than to make things more pleasant for him here. I do sometimes wonder what he tells OW or anyone else about why he is still here, but I don't waste a lot of my time on that...trying to figure out the thought processes of a MLCer is an exercise in futility, and I have better things to do with my time and my brainpower.

Anyway...the only reason I have spent so much time describing some of the details of MY sitch on YOUR thread is to give you hope, by my concrete examples, that it can get better if you keep at it. Hey, if I can be happier, given the sitch I'm in, and given my depression history, anybody can! Antidepressants help, of course, but they don't usually make you giddy--they just put you on an even keel with the average person so that you actually have a chance at being happy.

I hope you don't mind me taking up so much space on your thread with all this, but my hope is that it helps YOU. I think your chances at winning back your H are decent; more so if you can detach and GAL and all of that other DB stuff! Beyond that, you just need to give him lots of time and lots of space, and go about putting together a life you love in the meantime! We all know how hard it is, especially when you have been with your S so long...but it can be done, as evidenced by the many, many success stories on this board.

I hope this helps you! Keep us posted!

Blessings and peace,
Dawn

[arianne123]

Dawn your posting is a real inspiration to me-thank you so very much for taking time to read my story. Last May I thought my world had ended-I was 58,about to retire to my home town with H when the bomb dropped. I really thought I would go crazy with the grief and fear. He has/had? ow but isnt happy-keeps saying he doesnt want a divorce and keeps in touch though its only once a week or so.After 28 years its hard to be my own person-you see, he was my entire world (I think thats one of the reasons he couldnt cope) He keeps saying that I have changed so much. I pray that he finds clarity and returns to me but no more tears or pursuing from me! He says he loves me but I know he is scared Mostly,we dont discuss the marriage. I think I have a 50/50 chance of him returning but I know now I can live without him.I am so sorry to hear of your clinical depression-you really have pulled yourself out of the pit what a fighter,do write and tell me more about your self if you feel able. When he first left I cried constantly I mean non- stop I went down to 5 stone- doctor prescribed amyltriptaline but it spaced me out! Im certainly not against drug therapy if it keeps you from going over the edge. God bless you x

[job]

A,
You are doing better than you think. You are gradually detaching from the drama and that's okay. You need to have your emotional coaster settle down a bit. Your h is still very mixed up and that's why he's the way he is. If he's giving you money, accept it graciously and always thank him for it.

A....time really is on your side. You must remember that you are the healthy one here, living in your nice place and have your family around you. Your h is living in a forest of unknown right now and that's not a good place to be.

Keep up the good work! Take care of yourself.

[Dawn of Hope]

Arianne,
How are you doing today? I hope you are a little better every day!

Dawn your posting is a real inspiration to me-thank you so very much for taking time to read my story.

You're welcome! I read pretty much everything in the MLC forum sooner or later, especially the threads that get posted to most frequently, so that's why it took me a while to run across yours.

Last May I thought my world had ended-I was 58,about to retire to my home town with H when the bomb dropped. I really thought I would go crazy with the grief and fear. He has/had? ow but isnt happy-keeps saying he doesnt want a divorce and keeps in touch though its only once a week or so.After 28 years its hard to be my own person-you see, he was my entire world (I think thats one of the reasons he couldnt cope)

I think we would all agree that it is hard to be alone all of a sudden, especially after being with your S for a long time. I found that in the beginning, although I had sympathy for others, I was in so much emotional pain that I really couldn't give much attention to anyone else, but as time has gone on, I am more able to reach out and help other people.

He keeps saying that I have changed so much. I pray that he finds clarity and returns to me but no more tears or pursuing from me!

That is great, that he sees how much you have changed! At least he doesn't completely have his head in a dark place! It really seems to confuse them when we change--they have a bit more trouble remembering how horrible we supposedly were before, I think!

He says he loves me but I know he is scared Mostly,we dont discuss the marriage. I think I have a 50/50 chance of him returning but I know now I can live without him.

And that is probably the best place you can be, given what is happening to him right now. You are detaching, which is so helpful for YOU.

I am so sorry to hear of your clinical depression-you really have pulled yourself out of the pit what a fighter,do write and tell me more about your self if you feel able. When he first left I cried constantly I mean non- stop I went down to 5 stone- doctor prescribed amyltriptaline but it spaced me out! Im certainly not against drug therapy if it keeps you from going over the edge. God bless you x

One of these days I am going to have to figure out the conversion from stones to pounds, as I never know how to evaluate it when one of you folks across the pond talks weight.

Thank you for your kind and affirming words; that was really heartwarming! I have struggled with my depression for so long, and felt like such a failure for so much of my life, that I am still very surprised to not only still be alive, but to be about as happy as I think anyone can be expected to be, given the whole sitch with my H!

I have now accepted that I really will probably have to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life (unless someone comes up with something better). I'm not crazy about the whole drugs-for-life thing, but if that's what it takes for me to have a whole life instead of a shadow of one, and to keep from being in agony much of the time and burdening people close to me...so be it. I've been on AD's and I've been off, and for me, on is better...much, much better.

I've always been a functional depressive--did very well in school, got my college degree, and I run my own business; have never failed to get out of bed every day--but emotionally it has been like trying to run in waist-deep mud most of the time. I made my first suicide attempt when I was 13 years old. It took me years and years to even understand that the things I felt were not normal, and longer for me to seek treatment, and longer yet to believe that there were things that would actually help me to feel better on a long-term basis. I'm still completely clueless about my purpose in life, why I'm still here (miracle which that is), but I assume that since I'm still alive, God must have something in mind for me to do.

I need to go to bed now, but if you would like to check out my thread (see link at the bottom of my signature), that will probably tell you ten times as much as you would ever want to know about me. But if you would like to know more, just ask!

Snodderly's advice sounds dead-on to me, and it sounds like you are doing very well, all things considered! Take care, and I will check back with you later!

Peace and courage,
Dawn

[arianne123]

Thanks snodderly it feels like a great wound is healing and I know I am better than before but I still care for him so much and leaving him to "flounder" even though its all I can do right now is hard.I cant wait to see him again but have held back on inviting him to see my new place and he senses this and hasnt asked outright-just put out a few feelers" do you still need a wardrobe I will bring you one-I will let you know when I am next near York (where I live)"Am trying to detach and seperate myself from his life for now.We are still married-that means a lot to me.Dawn I hope you are well today and continuing to battle on with faith .I have been told that God never allows you more pain than you can handle but sometimes we are tested,arent we? May I ask do you think your depression is genetic or a result of childhood trauma?Perhaps you dont want to discuss it though. I am thinking of you anyway.Thanks both for your support x

[arianne123]

H has paid the first amount of voluntary maintenence into my bank account. I sent him a text thanking him and enquiring after his (always poor) health. Right away the phone went and it was him but when I pressed the answer button it cut off.I called him back right away but he didnt pick up. I think he may have called me by mistake.Anyway he obviously doesnt want to talk and is annoyed I guess over paying me money although he knows I really need it and he would be paying much more if we were divorced.I feel so very hurt that he cant spare 5 minutes to reply to my text.How can he erase 28 years like this?For the first time I am beginning to feel resentful at his current evasive behaviour.At the same time I know he is afraid and confused.God give me more patience as I feel close to really venting at him which would do no good at all for either of us,he feels guilty enough already.

[arianne123]

Havent heard from him now for a couple of weeks. He did eventually text me asking if I was "free" on Sunday morning -presumably for a chat. I said I was away and would text him in the week. (week before last) But somehow I couldnt do it.Seems Ive gone dark without meaning to, or planning to.Dont know what to say to him.I think about him daily,and hope so much he is beginning to find himself.No word on divorce-he doesnt want it and nor do I. Dont know if he is still involved wih OW.Weve been separated now for 18 months.My feelings for him are still as strong but I am living without him and surviving. If his next voluntary maintenence payment comes through on 6th November I will send him a thank you card. My gut feeling is to let him alone right now. I know he is very curious about my new house.Sometimes I feel that I am "Getting a life" right out of my marriage and that scares me.Its so sad after 29 years together.