Funny in a way...how similar these MLC'ers think...my H told me he might come home in 6 mos...then one year...then two years...then 5 yrs...then 10 yrs...I flat out told him I didn't think I would be around after one year...I didn't think in my own heart that I could wait it out...it seemed forever...then at one point he told me he could never live with me again...and he never wanted to live in this town(or area) again as he really liked it where he moved...
Just goes to show how much they don't really know what they want...the turning point came when my H missed our son...then when he was pretty much forced to his depression for what it was and what it was doing to him...he got treatment for several things...emotional and physical...then he started the real journey back...
I wish you the best...you will be okay no matter what...just believe in yourself and you will succeed!
Valeria, I think that Lin really made me think about what our spouses say and that they really don't seem to have a handle on reality. The fact that your H says 10 years could say a lot. If I was going to guess, he sees that he knows where he belongs but can't see a way to get there so he throws out an arbitrary long number.
I wouldn't say he is gone permanently and I seriously doubt that it will be anywhere close to 10 years. But who knows.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
ImLin, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really appreciated them. I dont remember, did your H have an OW during his MLC? What do you think was the turning point for him that made him want to come back?
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
MMF: Thanks for your thoughts. I'm getting on with my life as though H is not coming back - but I do think that he wants to be home, even after all this time. I didn't know that ImLIN's H said the same thing (about it taking him 10 years!) then coming home much sooner. MLC can last many years .. I wish it came with a guaranteed expiration date, lol!
ImLIN: When you have time, can you list the changes that you have noticed in your H since coming home? Thanks
The changes since his return...well when he returned he was still pretty much a mess, drinking until he passed out, not taking care of his diabetes, moody, and depressed to the point of sobbing tears. He could not say he loved me because he said he honestly didn't love me but he wanted to love me again.
So first he hit bottom with the alcohol and went to rehab (out patient)...he had only one slip and that was 20 months ago...
Then he went for a complete physical and started taking better care of himself (he still doesn't follow a good diet but his meds keep his blood sugar stable).
He went for treatment for his depression which took some time to get the right meds and the right dosage...
He did make a final contact with OW after he was home but before he was on good meds for the depression. I think basically he was touching bases with her (via email) to make sure she was okay...she had moved on and was in a relationship with someone but agreed to keep in contact with H via email if he wanted to talk...I think he felt she was okay and was able to leave any guilt about her behind because to my knowlege he has never contacted her since.
About three months after his contact with OW, on our anniversary, he read me a bible scripture about love and then declared that he did inface feel love for me again...now mind you he had been home about a year at this point (slow progress)
He started taking his own spirituality seriously again, started reconnecting with his old friends, and started rebuilding his relationship with his kids (not in that order but you get the picture)
As time progressed he got over the drive to make lots of money and finally got a job he was okay with...for a long time the depression made it impossible for him to really hold a job...any pressure or stress sent him over the edge...but now he is much stronger and handles things pretty well.
He did inform me when he returned that he never really liked passionately kissing (news to me because he always was kissing me)...his affection is a bit more selective where before he woudl pat my bottom any time he felt like it...sex is good but not frequent like it was before he left but he does have some ED issues related to the meds, diabetes, and depression...
I can live with all of this...he is fun again, likes to do things with me and with the family...he doesn't isolate himself as he had been doing when he started into his MLC...he is very social...we can talk about most anything...although anymore I don't bring up OW because he told me he just really wants to forget about her and that time period in his life...they are not fond memories for him...
Valeria...it would be great if the MLC had an expiration date or any sort of guarantee...I think that is what makes it so hard on us...we don't want to wait for nothing...but we don't want to move on if there is a chance...and I think that is how they feel too when they through out those time lines of "give me a year", "well if it goes past 5 years I would say we are really done", "who knows in 10 years maybe we could remarry and be happy"....I think they want to know they can come back...even though they don't want to come back now...
imLIN, I have read your thread and it is encouraging to all of us with MLC crisis. My H is full blown, he is moving the end of the month. Like Val I did an inventory of my marriage and it was not pretty. I took my H for granted, ignored him, always had an excuse for going to bed and just drifting apart. shame on me, because in June he started an A with one of his direct reports, who I know makes him feel emotionally/physically connected. Still will not admit to A, but I no longer ask. Since H told me he is not happy, we went to a MC seperately for a few sessions and then met together and H told me I was controlling and he was not happy for 21 years (originally it was 12 years), now it goes back to the beginning of our marriage. He has been drinking (is an alcoholic that gave up drinking many many years ago), going out with OW, and just think he is a teenager all over again. I do not know him most days. You are an inspiration. I want to save this marriage and I know right now I have to do it on my own. What did your family say when H left and how did they act on his return? My family will be crushed by this. Thanks for sharing in your thread.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Thanks ImLIN. Your summary of H coming home will be helpful to a lot of people on the board. It also reminds me how similar many of our stories are.
My H also began drinking heavily after he left home. He would drink till he either passed out (or was arrested)!! He too neglected his health, even though he had a major heart attack several years ago and lost 20% of his heart. It didn't help that he took up smoking again too. (The OW was a heavy drinker and smoker).
Your H showed initiative by getting help for his drinking and for his depression. The fact that he got in touch with his spirituality also speaks volumes. IMO, that is what this journey is all about.
Last, but not least, he was finally able to let go of the OW.
It says a lot for your H that he was willing to do all these things to restore himself and your marriage. It couldn't have been easy for either of you, especially during that first year. It says a lot about you that you were able to put the past behind you and work on the future with your H.
You have shown a lot of class and dignity throughout your H's MLC. You remind me a lot of Yellowrose.
Lin, When I saw your name on a post I double checked to make sure it wasn't an archived thread. When you left the boards I recognized that you needed to do it to move on, but, I'm so glad that you still check in from time to time. I really think that without the post you made to me several months ago I would have given up.
It's too early to know what will happen to my M, however, whenever I felt as if I was losing hope I would remember your situation and how it resolved. To know that your H signed a one year lease and moved to a distant city to live with the OW and then returned to his M is definitely inspirational to us all.
The lessons you learned during his MLC are most valuable and I am going to try to not only learn those lessons but to be greatful for the opportunity for that kind of growth.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
I heard the same things...I haven't been happy for a long time...I haven't been happy for 10 years (we had a 9 year old son when he said this and wondered how that happened if he wasn't happy?) and finally it was he hadn't been happy for the entire marriage...I was to controlling...he always let me have my way to avoid an argument...and much more...yes, a lot of this was true when I looked at it from his point...I never meant to hurt him I just didn't know and now felt I was being punished for something I didn't even know I was doing...
I made my changes because I didn't like what I saw...I recognized that sometimes when I was trying to be helpful it would come across as controlling...I learned to ask questions instead of make comments...
These lessons are hard...but no matter how things turn out it makes us better...I know that was the hardest thing for me to see...that things could get better no matter what...
I wish you all the best...thank you so much for the kind words but I don't think I am any more special than anyone else here...we all want(ed) the same thing...to save our marriage and save ourself...I wish that for everyone although I know some will have to accept that they will be okay "no matter what"...and that means if their spouse doesn't return...I know I would be fine and happy today even if H didn't come home...I learned to be happy with myself...but I love him dearly and appreciate what I have now...never take it for granted...and even if things work out for you...continue to GAL...I think, women mostly, become very wrapped up in being a wife and mother and lose sight of the fact that we are a person...we need to feed and nuture "her" too...then we make much better mom's and wive's!