While cleaning today I found a letter that I wrote to JA over 2 years ago. I wrote it while I was at my parents house before I came home to find the ow in my house.
Reading it made me realize how much I have changed and how little JA has changed.
I will share it with you...
Well, I am sitting in my parents house, not being able to sleep as usual these days. I don't know where to start, I am just full of emotions right now. I am sure you don't even feel like reading this note since your mind is made up that you are leaving me. I am sure your wedding ring has already been cashed in. I won't beg and plea for you since I did that already and you don't seem to care. I just love you so much and I don't want to live without you. It has nothing to do with just being used to having you around. I guess I did take you for granted, I never meant to do that. I just thought we had a love that would always be there. I am sorry I was such a horrible wife. I would do anything for you to give me another chance. I would starve myself so you could have your skinnier wife back, I would forget about the idea of having another child, I would do just about anything. I can't even do anything anymore without even thinking about you. I couldn't go to the grocery store the other day because I couldn't bare to just shop for me and the boys. I went into Kohl's and couldn't help to peak at clothes for you. I don't want to get on in life without you. I don't even want to go to the beach because S5 said he wished you were coming with us. I know I have to go for Daniel though. They are the reason I still care to go on living. You probably thought sending me to my parents house would make me forget you, well nothing will. You are on my mind 24/7. I know you said at counseling you didn't think you deserved to be happyy. I hope you were being honest and not just trying to come up with a reason. I don't think you want to change and that is why I don't think you will go to individual counseling, and I think that is why you didn't really try in marriage counseling. It's easier to just put all the blame on me. I know I tried. I tried to make you happy, I tried to give you the perfect world you were looking for. I tried to have dinner on the table at night, I tried to keep the house extra neat, I tried not to leave laundry on the foyer floor, I tried to do little things like asking if you wanted to go for a walk, and making you coffee. What did you do to try and change? Don't tell me I am better off without you because that is a load of crock. Maybe you already found someone else that you think you will be happier with, and maybe you didn't. I feel like you have been chasing me out the door for the last few months. You try to make it look like I am psycho because I thought you were having an affair, but I am not the only one who thought that. The marriage counselor said you have all signs of someone having an affair. You just dont' want to look at anything you did wrong, again just easier to blame it on me. It's not fair that you just expected me to make changes. It's like you were thinking "put up with my bs or get get." What about the boys? Do you think how life would be like for them without seeing you everyday? What about the holidays? Christmas? Do you think S5 and S2 want to wake up in the morning and have only one parent to share their joy with? I know I don't want to spend Christmas without you. I don't want to spend any day without you. I didn't want to call you today because I didn't want to feel like I was pestering you. When you called I was so relieved to hear your voice, and then you were like "well I guess the boys don't want to say goodnight, so see ya" and you hung up. I called you back because I just wanted to hear your voice a little more and I didn't care what we talked about, but you were like "I don't want to talk!" So I guess that's it, your just giving up. Go ahead tell your family and friends that you tried and I didn't if that makes your guilt conscience go away. I know the truth. I guess there is no changing your mind. I am afraid I am going to come home this weekend and all of your stuff is going to be gone, and there will be no more you in my life. I just hope you really know what you are doing.
Boy, how pathetic was I?
Little did I know when I would come home that weekend I would find the slut it my house.
pathetic my butt, you tried like heck to keep your M, and no one ever will accuse you that you didn't do enough, if he couldnt' hold on to his vows and his spine and wasnt' able to begin the hard work of piecing back the M it isnt' on you lov)))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hmmm.... I've read what people have said about setting boundaries, I've read what they've said about being the better person and trying to get along for the kids' sake.
I've got a different thought...kind of sort of to "teach him a lesson," but it might also make your life a little easier......
Is there ANY way in the world possible on Wednesday to NOT have the boys ride the bus? Pick them up directly from school and drive them home, and be at home ready and waiting for exH promptly at visitation start time. That way, he'll be hanging out at the bus stop looking like a fool. If he complains, smile very pleasantly and say, "exH, my procedures and routines for getting the boys home really are not your concern anymore, as long as they are happy, healthy, safe, and ready for you at the correct time." Hand him the boys' bags or whatever, kiss the boys goodbye, and shut the door in his face.
Easier said than done, I know. My own stbx still has a key for the house because I can't afford to replace the locks, and he comes on in whenever he fancies. He came over to help clean up after Hurricane Ike, which was much appreciated, but proceeded to try to lay down the law for the kids and punish S9 for "lying." (He wasn't.) It infuriated me. I am tired of him trying to take control around my house when it isn't his home anymore.
So when I read about JA's antics, I can really empathize. It doesn't do any good to set boundaries with this type of monster, because he absolutely delights in crashing through those boundaries, knowing that you won't make too much of a fuss. He knows he'll end up getting his way because you want to do what's best for the kids, including not making a scene with their father. It lets him assert himself (in the most trivial, stupid way) and proves that you can't really do anything about it. (Na-na-na-na-boo-boo, you-can't-touch-me.)
So change the routine completely. Throw him off balance.
It's a better way of showing him you mean business than by constantly reminding him of the boundary that you can't really enforce. (Short of having a police officer wait at the bus stop with you.)
Just my 2 cents.
Last edited by tpaschal; 09/17/0804:35 AM.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
Your plan is exactly what I have been planning to do!
I am just going to have to pick S7 up from school on the days that JA is coming for them.
So yesteday the realtor that he recommended came. She seemed pretty good and the company she works for does A LOT of advertising. I am going to call up another 2 realtors to get their opinions too.
She was very nice but I still hated the fact that I even have to sell my house so the thought of her being there was making me ill.
Plus she is very attractive so the whole time she was here I was wondering to myself if JA is screwing her too.
Blah.
Anyway, JA took the boys afterwards for his visitation night. When he brought them home he actually walked them to the door instead of just dropping them off and taking off.
We stood outside for about 10 minutes just talking about selling the house.
He told me that I could probably use the realtor to buy another house.
I mentioned that there was no way I was going to be able to afford to buy a house for a few years and that the boys and I were going to have to rent an apartment.
He asked why I couldn't buy a house and I told him with no job, it's hard to get approved for a mortgage.
He asked why I don't just pay cash for a house with my share of the money I will be getting from the house.
Is he an idiot? Does he realize how much it costs to own a house in the lower part of NY?
Of course I said that to him in a nicer way.
Then we got back to me renting an apartment. He said the kids will love it as they like staying in his apartment.
I said "that is because they are not living there full time. They still have this house to come home to, but it's going to suck for them when they have to give up having a yard, a big house to run around in, a driveway to ride their bikes on and all their friends in the neighborhood."
He said that when he was young he didn't have any friends in his neighborhood and grow up in a crappy house and he grew up just fine.
Then S7 came outside and asked his Dad to come see his new bedding set and pirate wall stickers.
I allowed JA to come in as he was being really pleasant.
He didn't want to seem to leave.
I kept mentioning to s7 that he had to get his homework done.
After about 20 minutes JA finally said "Ok, S7 I better let you get your homework done."
On his way out he said to me have a good night. Something he never does anymore. I was waiting for the punch line.
It came. Right as I was about to shut the door he said "Make sure you have the boys call me."
He's always got to feel like he has the upper hand still.
JA seems quite content with this divorce. I don't think it has affected him and I don't think it ever will.
This morning I woke up to another one of those dreams where I am trying my hardest to break up JA and ow. I try to convince people that what she has done is wrong, but no one believes me. I try to convince JA what we had was special, and that doesn't work. I then try to publicly humiliate the ow or try to hurt her somehow.
I think what triggered this dream was looking at pictures that JA gave to the boys of their Bush Garden's trip with the ow. She wasn't in any of the pictures but I know she was the one taking them. It's a reminder to me that she was there with MY family having a good time on a family trip when it is me that should of been there.
Also, in all the pictures I got to see the way the boys were dressed. He has brought them all new clothes for his place. They were all wearing matching necklaces too.
JA came to pick the boys up today for a few hours so they could go to one of their cousin's bday party.
He was a bit snippy toward me. I think he may have tried to walk in the front door before ringing the bell and it finally dawned on him that I changed the locks.
I will be picking the boys up from their cousin's house so I can take them to my niece's bday party.
