Haven't posted in a while...I still lurk and check on you all though
God has been awesome and has closed my wounds, I truly feel I have a brand new life and even if I still think of stbx, the worst of the ugliness has gone from my mind, only on those "time of the months" do I feel emotional.
Well, sure enough the R with ow has crashed and burned, after the desperate attempt on her part to tear him from the kids didn't work (he ended up buying his own place without her away from her area) seems they are not together anymore. And now that he's left like the proverbial dog who let go of the cheese he had to reach for the reflected one in the water he is alone, with his demons. He tells me he's doing bad, has changed drs and is actually taking med for adhd, which is making him have bad mood swings and freak outs (he actually called me one day telling me he couldnt' make it, he'd had it with life).
He calls me, tells me he doesn't know what do to, the issues he's having with organizing himself, asks me how he should handle this and that....SIGH It is not my place anymore, but at the same time I pity him, and he does have the kids 2-3 days and, well, I can't just tell him to go fly a kite. And after 2yrs he's actually thinking of going back to church but is having a hard time believing, as a christian I can't turn my back on someone who is broken, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. I find myself giving him advice on how to live alone and deal with daily stuff, living a life I so wanted to share with him, he asks me questions and I try to help. It doesn't hurt me anymore to think of the life we could've live together, but it is the fact that he now realizes that the same demons are there, the ones who told him to rid of his M, nothing was solved, and he doesn't see it, and I don't want to say "I told you so". ARGH!!! he should lie on the bed he made, I just dont' have the heart to tell him so, I can't try to help others and turn my back on someone who is really asking for my help. His mom's cancer and mastectomy have affected him, his sister had a recent miscarriage, he feels all is gone to heck and no one likes him and that that there is no good people left in this world.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat thanks for the update. I'm so glad you're doing so well.
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I truly feel I have a brand new life
I came close to calling it quits in my marriage, and even though it made me terribly, painfully sad, I could also see the new opportunities opening up for me. You've come through that pain, and the grieving process, and you've made it to the other side. You are an inspiration, and proof that the key to all of this is to work on yourself.
You are also right that
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but there has to be a line drawn somewhere
.Guard that line. Defend your boundaries. Don't let your compassion cause you to get sucked in. I don't think you will, but trying to enforce that idea. You are a good Christian, but you are not Jesus, and you cannot save him. He has to save himself (with Jesus' help, perhaps). Often, you need to hit bottom before you can really change for the better. Maybe he is there, or close.
I hope your kids are OK, and OK with him. That worries me a little.
Sounds to me like you've got the detachment right: your a friend, probably his best friend, but you can let go and not make his problems yours. Stay strong.
I feel bad for him too. It's terrible the kind of pain and suffering some people face. It's worse that they often make it worse by the way they act and believe. But you can't fix them. They have to fix themselves, right?
But back to the positive. I'm so glad you are feeling good, seeing the opportunities, feeling positive about your future. I'm happy for you, impressed by you, and wishing you the best
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
I'm so proud of you. For letting go lovingly. For knowing you can't "fix" him and resisting the urge to try. For working toward forgiveness. For letting him take responsibility for his own life and mess he made of it. For getting on with your wonderful life.
Many people MUST learn the hard way. This is his journey and as hard as it may be to see him suffer, it is the only chance he has for getting his life turned around. I hope, for the sake of your children he finds the strength.
In the mean time keep doing what you're doing with your life--thrive and be well. Write this chapter of your life in a way that will help those of us, your adoring readers, see your strength and courage and resolve.
hey my friends)))))))))))) you keep it up and I'm going to get a big head, lol!
As I give him advice I try not ask specifics and try to talk in general terms, the less I know of his life the better, for all I know it could be an "off"time with gf and next you know he'll be done with the emotional blanket I provide and he'll run to gf again.
I worry about the kids a bit too, though I see he's done a lot for them, gotten the townhome, fixed it, made up their rooms, actually makes them their lunch and stuff he'd never done before. I ask to have them this sunday a bit more and he said to keep them since he was feeling bad and didn't want to bore the kids (he's taking off without kids next week, where? I don't know and dont' want to ask).
I dont' want to let him off the hook about his parenting duties, but I also want to make sure he's well enough to keep them, that's half the reason I talk to him.
I'll try to point him in the right direction without involving myself too much, he used to be a good man, I pray that he finds himself. LN, I will try to remember that phrase which helped me so much, that I can't save him, he has to do it on his own.
Althea, I truly love my life, I took on another volunteer position and it has to do with what I like to do for a living, I'm excited about it and the supervisor of the organization is pretty cute, lol! I wouldnt' mind a cup of coffee with him
I fill my days without the kids to the brim, I go to my dear zumba or the gym, then go to my brother and sister's to play with their babies, they feed me , then I catch a movie alone or with someone at the local cinema drafthouse (had my first chocolate martini on monday) and go to sleep at my brother's (sil gave me my own key). Though some nights I have to stay home to finish my son's mural and finish painting his room. So much to do so little time!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
more talks with stbx, he seems to actually see that woman for she is, it's a long story but more *nasty* stuff was uncovered, he confronted her, she went nuts and is cuzing him left and right, he realizes that he's let her mess his mind and was a total mess dealing with that drama. As of today he's broken contact today, hope it stays that way for his sake and my kids sake, he was freaking out even at work and if he looses his job, oh boy, all will go down to heck, he'll loose his newly purchase house, then he can't kids over, then he can't pay me CS then he will really loose it. As it is he's ready to crack, there is a ray of light tryng to pry into his head, I hope he lets it in, he is still at a loss about how to even being to believe in GOd, how to stop blaming himself and thinking he's a horrible person with no hope. I pray that this is the real rock bottom he needs to reach to become whole, my kids need him, I hope he truly find peace.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Let him find his own way, Cat. Don't try to look after him (if you're thinking of trying to!). I hope you're right and the bottom is here. Keep praying!
, then I catch a movie alone or with someone at the local cinema drafthouse (had my first chocolate martini on monday) and go to sleep at my brother's (sil gave me my own key). Though some nights I have to stay home to finish my son's mural and finish painting his room. So much to do so little time!