Hey buddy. Can I tell you something? The interactions with your wife are kind of testy. I got that. Not all you and not all her.
But, you don't have to engage her. You don't have to go in there ready for a fight. You can be just as nice as pie and then go home and kick the bushes to let it out.
Its nice that you hugged her. Its nice she didn't say no. But, the negative interactions are like absolute poison right now. I say this because I'm a woman Phil. And we women want to be treated nicely, even when we are bitchy. Sorry, but that is how it is.
How about the next time you see her you pretend you are acting a part in a movie? She is the damsel and you are the dark knight. You are the dashing man with impeccable manners and grace. Just be nice and try not to react to her. Even when she tries to engage you. Even when she pushes a hot button. Count to ten or something, stand on one leg, I don't know. Something.
The less you react to her, the less reason you give her to focus on. If she isn't focused on being mad at you she can think more and feel what it will really be like on her own.
Hugs, Phil.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Phil, I get the sense that this is a never ending game of one-up-manship between both you and W. Both of you "have" to be right. Mostly you, I'm thinking.
Take yourself out of this mess. If she's crazy, why do you let her get under your skin and argue back with her. It's futile. My opinion is that you look for reasons to text her numerous times during the day. Stop it. Be the bigger person. Be the one your kids can emulate and act like an adult. Forget about what she does.
BTW, if you talk to your W the way you talk to some of the peeps here, I can understand why she wants to run away. This is a "help" board and if someone doesn't agree with you, you turn on them and treat them the way it appears you treat your W. I give Phoenix a lot of credit for "still" trying to give you good advice in spite of the treatment he/she's gotten from you.
Listen up, you're getting good advice, just refusing to take it. As Dr Phil says, "How's that working for ya?" Not good,from what you still post.
How about the next time you see her you pretend you are acting a part in a movie? She is the damsel and you are the dark knight. You are the dashing man with impeccable manners and grace. Just be nice and try not to react to her. Even when she tries to engage you. Even when she pushes a hot button. Count to ten or something, stand on one leg, I don't know. Something.
The less you react to her, the less reason you give her to focus on. If she isn't focused on being mad at you she can think more and feel what it will really be like on her own.
Hugs, Phil.
Excellent!!! Try it, Phil, and don't give us any excuses as to why it won't work. Just try it.
No Hoosier... They are not in front of the kids. Now go away. You think you know it all you don't. My daughter was an overachiever with school because she gets it from me. I am an overachiever. Wife is underachiever. Guess what son has the same trait.
Now please Hoosier, knock it off. You are not banned. You were asked not to post to me.
No the children interupt because they always interupt. That is why wife and I grew apart, and never had time together. GET IT! Now take your psychobabble and hit the road. Stop bogging me down with nonsense.
Sorry, Phil. It is absolutely not nonsense. It is absolutely not psychobabble. And it is important enough for me to push whether or not you're comfortable with my pushing. I'm not the only one who is seriously alarmed about this issue with you.
In no way do I think I know it all. However, I do know many things from experience and education, and what I've told you is that your kids are crying out for change with their behavior. I'm dealing with the same thing with my daughter, and I lived through it myself. And I've done a tremendous amount of reading on the subject to try to minimize the damage to my daughter.
I'm sorry you're so closed-minded about counseling and anything that sounds to you like counseling, which you have labelled psychobabble. Believe me, I have far better things to do than get blasted by you simply for the sake of getting blasted. The thing is, I don't really care what you think of me. I really don't care if you text 100 times a day and ban everyone who is alarmed enough to post to you.
I do care about your kids and the effect your behavior, as well as your wife's, is having on them. Not because I need to be right. But because I--and everyone else--can see what this is doing to your kids. Not the split--but the behavior of both their parents. If you love your children, you will put their need for peace and security above your needs to express your rage at each other.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Don't post to me hoosier, go away. What did I just say! you don't know how to read. Go away, you are bogging me down.
Quote:
You were asked not to post to me.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK?
Don't you think part of my problem is that I need to be right, and I need to have the last word. I have homework to do. I'm overwhelmed. Just let me journal.
DON'T YOU THINK I'M PROTECTING MY CHILDREN? GO Away! I do control myself around my children. If I do loose it I immediately apologize to them, and hold them. I tell them I'm sorry I lost it. Just help me by being good.
I have no need to argue with you. Your just putting me under.
I feel like crawling up in a ball as it is and just scream and pant like a damn autistic child.
LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE SATAN TO ME! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME! YOU HAVE NEVER HELPED ME!
Gosh, I feel like the pig girl texting me. Except she likes to use expletives.
It's just lately I have been slightly a miss with her. Because I'm tired of her putting the kids through this. Bouncing them all around. Picking them up late. Not knowing where they are going. Why? For what? So she can be on her on, and shove crap in my face. Yesterday was just one of those days.
Don't post to me hoosier, go away. What did I just say! you don't know how to read. Go away, you are bogging me down.
Quote:
You were asked not to post to me.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK?
Don't you think part of my problem is that I need to be right, and I need to have the last word. I have homework to do. I'm overwhelmed. Just let me journal.
DON'T YOU THINK I'M PROTECTING MY CHILDREN? GO Away! I do control myself around my children. If I do loose it I immediately apologize to them, and hold them. I tell them I'm sorry I lost it. Just help me by being good.
I have no need to argue with you. Your just putting me under.
I feel like crawling up in a ball as it is and just scream and pant like a damn autistic child.
LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE SATAN TO ME! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME! YOU HAVE NEVER HELPED ME!
Gosh, I feel like the pig girl texting me. Except she likes to use expletives.
I'm really sorry, Phil. I'm sorry I bring out this reaction to you. I'm sorry you think I'm Satan. Because I'm really trying to help you and above all, help your kids. I have no desire to fight with you. But I'm willing to stick my neck out if I can get through to you on this topic.
When you tell your kids "help me by being good," you're putting a tremendous amount of responsibility on a 6 year old and an 8 year old. What you're telling them--remember they don't have life experience or anything to put this in context--is that if they're not good enough you'll lose it again.
They're hurt, they're confused, they're sad, they're probably angry because that's just part of it; they need to know that you both love them no matter what happens, no matter what they do. And they need to have peace and stability, whatever it takes to get that. You need to do whatever it will take to get that for them. Come on, Phil, you've recognized they need a bedtime, they need to know where they're going to be. And they need that more than you and your wife need to see them whenever you want. Until you step up and provide that for them, no--you're not protecting your children.
I'm sorry if that makes you angry. I'm sorry you're going thru this. I'm sorry we're all going through this. I understand the feeling of needing to curl up in a ball. I do it myself sometimes. It's just part of the pain, it doesn't mean you're going crazy. Do it if you need to. We all do it, we just may not all admit it. If you do it when you're alone, it will help you not to need to do it when your kids need you to be their Dad.
Peace, Phil.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Phil, "You" need to step up and stop the craziness with your W. Your kids are what's important and you're teaching them how "not" to act. Except that kids copy what they see so as adults they're going to copy your behavior. Make it good behavior for them.
And, for crying out loud, stop bashing those who are just trying to help. If you don't like what they say, ignore them but there's no need for such personal insults. You're only making yourself look bad.
Well most of us can't read then, because if you go through your posts you will see/read that your slanging matches DO take place in front of the children -you don't need to read back far just to the incident in ice cream shop and outside.
You have never gone dark, half a day max I would guess if that. DBing takes months,years you don't even go one day. Phil I have said this before but for your childrens sake I am saying it again. You seriously need help, grade A student, house builder, student, Mr Fix it. More importantly than you Your children need help. Swallow that almighty pride and ego. Leave your wife alone, just maybe if you give her peace she may shape up and be a better mother. This constant interaction with you must have her at her wits end. The way you speak about her co-worker, your FIL, mother etc and the kind people on this board who are trying to help you shows nothing but anger. We are not here to tell you what a great man you are, what a wonderful provider, husband and dad you are.We don't need to because you constantly tell us. Not once have you acted on advice given by even those you allow to post. It's not that you can't, it is that you wont. Now we will hear that your tired, people overwhelm you, all the excuses. Put them all to one side and get help, professional medical help.
