Here are questions I recently recieved and my answers.
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When you waw'ed, did your H pursue? How long did he pursue? What got you thinking otherwise? Was it when he quit persuing and how long after? Or was it that he found someone new that sparked your interest again? When he pursued, did you shut down? Ignore him? Not answer emails until you got really pissed?
H did pursue. He did all the things Michele tells us not to do. I can't blame him though. I admire that he was so determined to save our marriage although at the time I didn't see it that way.
H pursued for 10 months. I told him in late Sep 06 that I wanted to separate. At the end of October 06 I left. In Jan 07 he found a therapist that we saw together. On May 1, 07 he gave me an ultimatum to move back in or he would file for the D. I resisted and he backed down. I told him that maybe it was me and I would work with the therapist myself. In reality we only attended counseling for 3.5 months together (not nearly enough time for either of us and with the wrong therapist) In Aug 07 he went on vacation (I moved back in a week before). He returned after a month a stranger and dropped the bomb. In early Dec 07 I moved out for the second time and I was in limbo until July 08 when I filled separation papers. He responded with a D request but he is stalling on talking about a settlement.....
During this entire time we continued to interact as if we were both still invested in the marriage and that divorce wasn't even a consideration but that we were just getting some space. I of course wasn't invested. I didn't feel connected to him. I thought our problems where too big and besides he wasn't going to change our M wasn't going to change and I didn't love him. However, I continued to spend every weekend at home, go to family functions together, go on vacations, attend counseling together, didn't tell family or friends of our separation etc. I did however remain distant. I rarely called, avoided going to lunch with him (we work within 5 min of each other), didn't show affection, and if it wasn't for him protesting I wouldn't have gone home on the weekends.
It wasn't until he dropped the bomb (10 months after I dropped the bomb) that something clicked. It really was one defining moment for me, a split second that changed everything for me. Up until the second before my feelings hadn't changed. I believe he met someone (This is not what sparked my interest. I didn't suspect anything until after the bomb). I don't believe anything physical happened but meeting someone in the midst of turmoil has a tendency to change your perspective on your significant other. The prospect of losing everything hit me right then and there. Now we are going through the same cycle, roles reversed. I can only hope that this trip overseas will have the opposite effect that it did last year.
In short, the more he pushed and pursued the farther I ran. I couldn't stand the constant pressure, the R talks, the guilt trips. What I wanted was to find solutions to see changes in our M and in him. I realize now that I needed to make changes too. This is why I believe that the 180 and finding solutions are your most valuable tools.
I didn't have this on the original post but I also wanted to say that it just took time and experience to realize I had something better at home. Be the better option, don't feed into the games, argue or pursue and eventually, hopefully, the WAS will see it as I did.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Hope, thank you for sharing your story with us and opening yourself up to the question of the LBS (which I am sad to see you are one now as well). I have not had time to read your other threads, so forgive me. Did you have an EA or PA when you seperated from your H? Do you think that if he would have stopped persuing you and changed himself instead, you would have wanted to come home earlier or was it the fact that you finally felt like you had lost him that got you to turn back to him? The old only want what you cant have mentality. Once again, thanks for sharing any insight you can bring to all of LBS. You are giving us a gift.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Q: Did you have an EA or PA when you seperated from your H?
A: I did not however, to be honest I was distracted by the attention that I recieved as someone who's marriage appeared to be over.
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Q: Do you think that if he would have stopped persuing you and changed himself instead, you would have wanted to come home earlier or was it the fact that you finally felt like you had lost him that got you to turn back to him?
A: EXACTLY. He pursued endlessly but that did not change the fact that neither of us changed (note that the WAS doesn't see the need to change themselves so you must be the first to do it)and therefore our R didn't change. For me it is not an either or question. If he would have stopped pursuing me and changed I would have come back but because he did not it took for me to feel as if I was losing him to turn back to him.
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Q: If after a long time of pursuing, when the LBH finally went no contact, did you feel more relieved at first or did the curiosity kick in right away?
A: Initially I was relieved until I saw that he was really done and no longer wanted me. I later realized that I was not relieved that he had given up but rather relieved to be free from the pressure. What this means to the LBS is to stop pursing, no R talk, no pressure, and don't show the WAS that you are hurt by what they say or do.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Yes, please. Everyone is encouraged to ask and answer questions. I just started the thread but it isn't for me. Everyone, LBS and WAS, please chime in!
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 08/30/0812:49 AM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
"Q: Did you have an EA or PA when you separated from your H?"
I did not have any type of affair...just was tired of constant fighting and arguing that never resolved, so one day i packed and left.
"Q: Do you think that if he would have stopped perusing you and changed himself instead, you would have wanted to come home earlier or was it the fact that you finally felt like you had lost him that got you to turn back to him?"
My H, did stop persuing about 2 months after I served him with papers. Once I had space to figure out what it was that I had REALLY done...I truly started to think. It was then, I realized, Oh boy, I really screwed this up. This journey that we are on, isn't about him changing per say, i realize now (in hindsight) how much I needed to grow. I had lost both of my parents within a 2 year time frame, and had many other stressors in my life. With the time we have been separated, I have realized not only what I have in my H, but what I could have done differently, and how I can be and will be a better spouse. This "journey" has been about really figuring out who I am, and how I can be the best "me" ever, because then...I can be the best W ever. hope that makes sense. I have to accept him for who he is...end of story!
"Q: If after a long time of pursuing, when the LBH finally went no contact, did you feel more relieved at first or did the curiosity kick in right away?"
I was relieved at first, then as time has went by, it becomes harder. I am at ease being on my own...but I always wonder what he is out there doing. I know there is OW who fades in and out. He does however, talk to me on and off. We are at 19 mos, separated, and I still have hope. Until papers are signed...I will have hope.
I am happy to help Hopeful answer questions....just ask!!!
christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
