The Longest Journey, 2

[Jen_Jam]

oh my .... sorry to hear this, SD. Good to know otherwise you're OK. Post as and when you're ready, we will be here.

Wanted to add some food for thought ... this is from the DR book, right at the end of the chapter on infidelity:

"Once a person is obsessed or addicted to a particular behaviour, s/he won't make the decision to change until they have suffered some losses. They need to realise their behaviour is causing serious problems for them."

I am NOT suggesting you file for a D, only you can make that decision.

I agree this is a really tricky one ... anyhoo, will leave you in peace for now, post when you feel ready.

Take care ((((((((SD))))))))

[faithisbelieving]

Piecing is not easy....so I hear.

My IC tells me that the classic line is true, "people don't change." At least not with intense work.

ford tells me over and over that a tiger doesn't change it's stripes.

Be aware of your environment.

FIB

[No Longer BH]

FIB, I just want to jump onto this thread really quick. I'm new to piecing, but not DBing. As far as "people dont change" I totally disagree. Look how many changes all of us DBers have gone through. I think it is more approperate to say people dont change unless they are forced to. Our WAS changed from the loving partners we had to angry people trying to run from us. This change occured as a result of unhealthy relationship cycles that kept building and growing between both partners. We have the power in us to break these cycles and help to bring about positive changes in us and our WAS. Just my 0.02 worth.

[faithisbelieving]

Indeed BH..but...beware....the changes WE MAKE....can insidiously slip away...without due care. Even WE are susceptible to 'not changing' in the long run. FIB

[NikB]

(((SD)))

[Rob1231]

Urgh, SD. I'll tell you, I just want to track down your H and b!tchslap him right now! If I found out that my W was still in contact with OM (highly unlikely given how it ended between them, but still...) I would be furious!

OK, gonna try to be more constructive now...

Let me ask a question: Setting aside for the moment the impact on you and upon your R, WHY do you think Dimwit is still contacting LW? What "need" does it fulfill? He must be getting some sort of reinforcement from the behavior, something that keeps him coming back for more in spite of the risk.

Imagine, if you can, that you DID lay everything on the table with H. And that he could respond in a way that was truthful, and not completely tainted by embarrassment and anger at having been found out. What would "his side of the story" be?

[SDFoundGirl]

I hate that you are so right, Rob. I really just want to stay angry and fling sharp objects at H, and here you are with your really good and on target question.

I will think on that and get back to you in a day or two. I returned to work today (you might remember I'm a teacher), and my head is pounding, so not in a good place for brain usage.

Can I just say, though, that I'm tired of being the adult? The one figuring stuff out instead of the other way around? Urrrgh.

Dang that Rob....

[faithisbelieving]

SD (and Rob)...I admire both of you...but dang....I am stuck with my Emperor's New Clothes view. How do you live without trust?

I can definitely see it with someone who made a single mistake, perhaps in an alcholic stupor, and wanted desperately to make things work.

But what about those that fall under the category of recidivist?
FIB

[Rob1231]

Hi FIB, I do trust my wife. In the rational, loving, "higher plane" parts of my brain and my heart, I don't think she is sneaking around and finding another OM, or anything else like that.

When I backslide and do the very occasional snooping, it doesn't help me (even though I find no incriminating evidence). I see it as myself failing, and then I dust myself off and try to do better next time. Rebuilding trust isn't easy, it's hard. It isn't all or nothing, it's baby steps and keeping your eye on the far-off prize.

If I understand your question, you are painting things very black and white here. Either my spouse was at one end of the spectrum (screwed up one single time while drunk out of her mind, who desperately wants to save our marriage) or at the other (a serial adulterer, who cares nothing about our relationship).

The truth is much more "shades of gray" than that. Her A wasn't the result a single night of drunkenness, it was part of a long and painful MLC. The relationship wasn't rosy before she started to walk away, it was rocky. The fault for that wasn't all hers, it was shared by me as well. We both have a lot of work to do to piece our marriage back together.

[faithisbelieving]

Noted and understood. FIB