Last nights meeting went really well from the big warm hello hug to the cheerful goodbye kiss. I DBd my socks off and was his best friend. I was clear about my poor financial situation and he listened. We discussed the options I had prepared he still doesnt want to divorce" and write off 28 years" but no mention of any reconciliation(from either of us). I asked him if he was still a married man or making a fool of me and cake- eating. He appeared sincere in denying it and he has never been able to lie direct.He has agreed to pay some maintenence and we are going to remortgage the (empty) marital home so that he can buy me out and I will have a deposit for a house.If he cant do this, we discussed buying a house in joint names for me to live in. Share mortgage costs.I know that financially I would get more by divorcing him but am content to leave it a bit longer,rebuild on the friendship and continue to make my own single life with him as a close friend for now, no demands.Am I being taken for a ride? I have to go on my instinct on this-28 years of knowing him- and give him more time- but not indefinitely .I am 60 in May!
Feel a lot calmer- guess eventually the need and obsession wears itself out through sheer exhaustion.H said he would have left me years earlier but was afraid I would "fall apart" He was right. My world as I knew it ended last May when he walked out on 28 yrs of marriage.I hit rock bottom and thought only about getting him back.13 months on,we are still married but separated.The intense pain,and the worst anxiety have eased.I am pushing on with practical things and though I think of him daily it is not with such panic as before. I can be happy doing stuff without him .He can see, and has said,how much I have changed.At first it was an "acting as if" but now I really am dropping the rope and trying to GAL. He is in a MLC with with concerns about his work,ageing parents, and I think EA with OW.All I can do is let time pass ,look after myself(we are currently negotiating finance he doesnt want D neither do I )and be calm and upbeat when we do meet.My only concern is that I put myself in an emotional limbo by remaining married.We still love each other but this will take a long time I can tell.Support from people on this site have really helped.
A, I hate to say this, but if he really felt like he needed to leave years ago, he would have done it. Many of them say that they've not been happy 1, 2, 5 15 years. The time frame changes w/their moods. Quite frankly, you didn't chain him to your side, so I would just let that comment roll off your back. We all go through a period of being obsessed and making every attempt to get them back. Some take longer to work through the grieving process and others, a shorter period of time. As you walk the path to Oz, you are going to discover that, in time, you are going to detach more and more and then one day, realize that those anxious moments are slowly easing off. It's called healing.
I think you are very wise to concentrate on you, your family and those things that require your attention. You will learn that you can do things on your own and guess what, it's very liberating to do them and discover that what you thought was so difficult has been accomplished by you! You just have to think positive and put one toe out the door at a time and eventually you will have walked over the threhhold of life and continued on down the path.
Your h is going to sense that you are different once he's convinced that you are moving on w/your life. He'll test you over and over again in his own way, but do not allow him to bring you down. Do not revert back to your old ways. If anything, show him that you are no longer dependent upon him to live your life to the fullest. Limbo can be very rough, but you have decide just how rough your ride will be. This type of crisis takes a very long time to get through. No one knows what the future holds as to whether he'll return or not, but in the meantime, plot your life's course and move ahead one step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your words have supported me more than you know,at times I have truly thought I was losing my mind over this massive life-change-retirement,possible divorce and selling up and moving.Can you explain what you meant by him testing?He keeps on saying how much I have changed,that he thinks of me daily and loves me etc -he means it but I also think its to make us both feel better!Meanwhile no mention of reconciliation- as you say much too soon; perhaps when it becomes far less important to me it may happen. life is strange that way I think.I know that I can look after myself fine but the baby girl that was sent to boarding school aged 2 keeps coming in-yes I have "attachment issues" and the thought of the rest of my life without him is so frightening and sad still.Thank you for your responses.
A, There are times when they will test you. You say that you've changed in some aspects of your life. Correct? Well, your h could say or do something that might revert you back to your old self. He's testing you to see if the changes are real/genuine. If you are only making the changes to please him, they won't stick and after a while, you'll revert back to your old self/habits. However, if you are making the changes for you and to make yourself happy, you are more apt to continue doing them. Do you understand better now?
Please remember, you have a 50/50% chance of him returning. Then again, if it's a long time from now, you may change your mind and tell him that you don't want a reconciliation. Right now, you are so new to this game and still are trying to find ways to get him to return. For now, shelve thoughts of him returning any time soon and just work on yourself. His journey really has just begun and we need step back and allow him to make that journey all on his own.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ive changed because I really had no choice- couldnt weep forever and had to live somehow-find part time work and somewhere to live etc.I know I lost myself totally in the marriage and so this separation is good for my independence.I do want so much to be with him but I know he is really afraid"of feeling like I did before"But its been a year now. Shouldnt he know what he wants ?I do leave him alone but am frightened that he gets used to being without me. Also,dont know the situation with the OW whom he was/is emotionally attached to.Last week he said he loved me, I had really changed and was a good person. So why,I wanted to say,wont you work on the marriage? Yes I am doing stuff but I am not happy,just one step at a time as you say.Do you really put the odds at 50/50? He did say he didnt want to write off 28 years but I darent be optimistic.
Yes, I put the odds at 50/50%. Why? He could swing either way in whether to come home or just stay out there. As for him actually knowing what he wants....I seriously doubt that he really knows which end is up right about now. People who are depressed swing back and forth and this is an emotional driven crisis w/depression being attached to it. Emotions are very hard to get a grip on, therefore, he's not thinking clearly and is just floating along with the flow for now. Please don't ask him about working on the marriage....he can't and won't do it right now. Besides, the only thing you are going to hear is that he needs space and he wants a divorce or something of that nature.
A, for your sake right now, protect your financial assets and just leave this man out there to swing by himself. Focusing on him is creating entirely too much stress and anxiety for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Very hard not to think about him-He contacts me so infrequently that I run through all possible scenarios.I dont know what is stopping me just filing-as long as he is so loving when we do meet-and says a divorce"would be the end of us " I cant do it. But,14 months into separation I am so confused.Ive tried hard to work out what is causing him to keep rejecting me.He left I think because he felt we needed an "adult" relationship and its true I made him the centre of my world with nothing else.At least now we are discussing money but he is reluctant to engage and Ive heard nothing for over a week. Fortunately Ive got some part time teaching work to keep my head above the water.He has acknowledged that he is going to have to help me financially. But he is worried that his present job contract due to expire in March wont be renewed. Would you believe he is a counsellor with years of experience helping drug and alcohol addicts!But right now he is in a major mess-I just cant pull the plug.He hung onto me like a limpet when he hugged me last time we met."Havent we both been silly" he said.I bit my lip!
No response or contact since brief e-mail about house sale last friday week.SO tempted to go to soliciters and file-but last time we talked he still didnt want divorce. Wish I could work out what that means. Of course,money has to be a major factor but he has agreed to some maintenence payments and perhaps buying me out on the house so that I can get my own place.How can he not contact me knowing my housing situation? Isnt 28 years of marriage worth a 5 minute call?Is this growing resentment healthy? Ive always said that I understand his affairs,his confusion,even his leaving me just at retirement and EA with OW.But this ambivalence I find so very difficult.Once money is sorted I know I can let it drop and concentrate on my own rebuilding. Am thinking maybe I should do a major 180 and be really firm and assertive regarding finances.But dont want to add to his depression .I want all this to go away!
This non- communication is SO difficult for me. H was always a closed sort of person which drove me crazy sometimes as I am the opposite and wear my heart on my sleeve.After 2 weeks silence I did weaken and sent him a friendly card. I know, I know, I shouldnt have. But as always he responded promptly thanking me (always does when I initiate contact) and rang me but my mobile was off so he left text message saying he would ring next day but hasnt!Ive left response on his ansaphone asking him to call and now will leave it. If he wants to, he will. Problem is there are practical financial things to discuss. Once they are settled I do think I will be strong enough to leave well alone-I have done before -my record is 5 weeks!Will I ever get over this-I am trying to put other things into my life but its "acting as if " and weve been living apart 14 months now.
