The Longest Journey, 2

[SDFoundGirl]

Both of you are dead on about trust. When I was about 11 or 12 (we're talking 26ish years ago :o) my uncle cheated on my aunt. They actually separated for months while my uncle was having his fling.

They're happily married now, but when I was going through all of this with H, my aunt said that she still thinks about it and that my uncle will call even if he's going to be 5-minutes late. They have complete transparency because of that event...26-odd years ago. My uncle STILL gets choked up when he thinks of what he did then. They've worked hard and really enjoy each other now...but it's still there.

This changed how I look at my H, and I can't just unchange. I guess if, every time I snooped I found nothing at all and he was honoring what I'd asked for (which is no non-work contact at all), it might be a little different. Maybe not. Or if he'd admitted he stepped outside the bounds of our M...but then he doesn't know I know about the letters or about a whole lot of other stuff I know because I really am a good snooper.

This:

Looks like you just came off of a great trip. Process it and enjoy those moments. A New Earth says that true happiness comes from 'being in life at the moment'.

Be in the moment.

works most of the time. I'm busy with friends and (now) with preparing for the new school year. I have a full life. I don't really sit and dwell on all of this, but it's there nonetheless. It comes to the surface when I find something while I'm snooping or when I feel guilty because my H is working overtime to please me with any number of acts of service and I just feel wary or disconnected, or when I'm really not all that interested in sex because I'm NOT connected.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't confess all that I know and see what happens. But then I worry that all my ways of checking up on him will be closed to me...he is not good at hiding things, but he's gotten better at it. I know for sure he's deleted phone calls to her in the past after I confessed I'd listened to his voicemail (where she was laughing at and making fun of me). That ticked him off...and about a month after I confessed that, suddenly calls that I'd seen on his incoming or outgoing already were deleted.

I keep telling myself this is a decision, not a feeling. I either need to be all in or all out, not hovering here on this imaginary line. It's not bad, it's just not...not sure what the right word is here.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm really okay, I just want more than this.

SD

[Jen_Jam]

hmmmmmmmmm...... thinking here. Snooping yes is bad, I have done it myself in the past, but not for months, and I feel better for it. One of my goals is to never snoop again. Anyway ...

So he's still contacting LW as a friend, despite you asking him not to. The only way you know this is through snooping. I suggest not confronting him on this one, and making a commitment to give up the snooping. But ... how to get past this?

How about cheeleading? Tell him you're happy, that you appreciate his efforts and that you're really glad he listened to you and stopped non-work contact with LW, that you felt hurt by his contact with her, and now he's not doing it, even though it was probably something he didn't really want to stop doing, you're glad that he appreciates and respects you so much to do that for you.

What do you think? You can't control what he does, you can only put it out there and let him make his own decision.

[faithisbelieving]

Honest question....does anyone EVER truly feel 100% safe again? If so, then no snooping is necessary, If not.....

FIB

[amd]

she was laughing at and making fun of me

Now I'm just pissed. That must have been very painful.

You can't control what he does, you can only put it out there and let him make his own decision.

Totally true. I guess what you need to ask yourself is "What is my goal?" If it's to encourage him to keep his word, maybe cheerleading is the answer. You know what they say about flies and honey.

Even so, it bothers me that he is trying to slip this by you. What is the problem with no contact? Why does he need to do this?

I can't remember--are you guys seeing a MC?

[Dr LOve]

How about cheeleading? Tell him you're happy, that you appreciate his efforts and that you're really glad he listened to you and stopped non-work contact with LW, that you felt hurt by his contact with her, and now he's not doing it, even though it was probably something he didn't really want to stop doing, you're glad that he appreciates and respects you so much to do that for you.

Jen, WOW this is great. As you know the fool I am I do not snoop BUT... If I knew I could handle what ever I found. AND I knew I would not get caught THIS IS GREAT.......what a save....

Sd this is your chance to get a point across. And To make HIM feel a little guilt............

Take care
Dr LOve

[sgctxok]

SD-

Thanks for helping sad but strong. I owe you. Click 'notify'.

You did a great job!

sg

[Jen_Jam]

SD, how are you doing?

[Rob1231]

Hey SD, How's things?

[faithisbelieving]

Yeah..where'd ya go? FIB

[SDFoundGirl]

I am here, and I will update when I can make sense of the jumble in my head. Nothing's bad, I just wonder a lot. Caught H not being truthful again, and contacting LW in a non-work manner. Do I think it's like it was? No...but the wondering is all about why he won't respect that boundary. Why does he continue to interact socially with her?

I'll update soon...I promise...but I've found I enjoy my life far more with my friends and GAL activities than I do with H. I've asked so little...and he doesn't deliver on the no contact thing, only lies by omission and hiding it.

Not sure what to say or where to go from here, you know?

SD