Time flys when you're having fun they reckon, it's been 1 1/2months since my last update, where'd the time go?
Upset the w just before Christmas, I popped in to get something and when I got there the kids where there so was lover boy but no w. Wtf I said to myself and promptly got on the mobile to the w. I have been expecting this to happen at some point and now it had happened I had to let w know how I felt about it straight away. The convo didn't go too well with w stating she can and will do what she wants and would never endanger the kids etc. I ended up telling her that I used to have a great deal of respect for her but it was just about all gone, ended up telling her i was very disappointed and hung up. Unfortunately what I told her was the truth and has made no difference.
Next time I saw w and lb I offered a "hello" to lb and got a filthy look in return and w just gave me an even filthier look, oh well. Didn't see her again till Christmas day, lb was there as he stayed at the family home for the 2 1/2 weeks over Christmas/new year period.
W's birthday today and I took the kids yesterday to let them get her some presents, w wanted me back by five so she go and pick up some photos and wanted me to get them from another shopping center, 1/2 an hour further away from where i was going, to save her the trip. Of course I refused so she got a bit off put because I wouldn't go. I decided then and there that I wasn't going to take part of her birthday celebrations this year and also wondered what the hell I was doing even taking the kids to get her presents. Well I gave the kids some money and that was it, no birthday gift to her this year from me and no ringing her up to wish her one either.
Other than that all is well, youngest d did really well at school last year, nearly topped her grade, Eldest d has been accepted into uni, studying teaching. Middle d is great and so is s.
The crazy thing about all this is I haven't ever felt better or more comfortable in my own skin than I do right now. It really is her loss. I do know whatever happens I will be ok. The best thing I or anyone can do is to be our own best friends.
As someone advised you, I don't have to stand too close. There is no hurry, I will not be filing.
Phoned home last night (w's b.day)to talk to the kids and w answered phone. "All the kids are outside running around", no offer to get them or anything. I just said 'ok, say hello for me then', didn't bother with any b.day wishes, probably should have but I'm past it.
Well another month has passed with no noticeable progress.
W has seen the bank about removing me from our mortgage and extending a new one so she can pay me out. Our house was built on her parents land so we are tenants in common with the in-laws. There is no separate tile so any asset splitting is not cut and dried like most would be.
My eldest daughter informed me on the phone that the w had a form for me to sign. The form was from the bank and it was to start the process of removing me from the mortgage as I mentioned earlier.
As there was nothing in this form about any monetary value or percentage of split, when I finally saw w and she asked why I hadn't signed it. I told her that I didn't know what the form was about. I couldn't see what assets where being split, whats the value we're working on, where's the document that states that. I need something like that before I sign anything. I also reminded her about $2000 for the mastercard and threw in I want custody of the kids every second weekend written in, for good measure.
I was outside siting under a tree with all the kids when she came up to us and we had that talk.
After I said my bit calmly and quietly with a few "just let me finish what I have to say before you butt in"'s w stormed off with a 'see you in court'.
Eldest d got a bit upset hearing all this and took off to her room. W came back and explained I'd have to foot the $3000 she'd spent setting this up (as if), the form had to be signed by 9th, and d is upset because I talk to her about the sit. too much.
Actually d was upset hearing w go off at me when I quietly and calmly stood up to her.
I told w to get me the number of the person from the bank off the form and I'll talk to them before I decide if I'll be signing the form or not. So she took off to get the number.
I don't know if I've mentioned it or not but I'm uncomfortable around the family home nowadays especially with loverboy being there nearly all the time. Anyway w took too long writing down the the phone number, I hung around for 5-10 min. and then took off asking d to tell her mum to text me the number.
No sooner than I hit the road the w rings me on the mobile. I don't answer the phone whilst driving so I ignored it. When I got to where I was going phone rang again and it was d16, I answered and she said mum had been photocopying the form for me. I asked d to tell her mum to text it to me.
Got a text from w saying where did I go, form needs to be signed and ending with a 'so I see you'll answer phone to d16 but not me. is not up to her to pass on my messages'
The bit about messages through d16 struck me as odd, who originally passed the message about signing the form through d16?
This all sound so petty as I'm typing this out but I'll keep going anyway.
So the situation as it stood was. w - pi$$ed off, wants me to sign form, still no divorce talk. me - hurt little boy mode, don't want to be ripped off.
w text's me bank ladies number finally.
A bit of background here about the house and finances. say The property was valued at $1,000,000 As tenants in common 1/5 share our slice 200,000 owe to bank 134,000 equity 66,000 1/3 equity (my bit) 22,000
W and I have previously talked these figures and agreed on them.
I'd been talking to guys at work about the sit. and something one fellow had said to me had really stuck in my mind.
He said "Paul you can't buy a house for 200,000 dollars".
The next day I phoned the bank and organised a meeting. The bank is in the same suburb as the family home. The bank lady couldn't make the meeting her daughter had an accident so I visited a local real estate office. 'Whats the cheapest house you have in this suburb'? $480,000. 'Ok whats the cheapest house you have seen in this suburb in the last year or so, I mean the cheapest"? $280,000.
So 200,000 valuation I get 22,000 a 280,000 valuation I get 48,000
Big difference.
I slept on it.
Next day I woke up and knew I'd be signing the form. W text'd me again saying form had to be signed on the 2nd (a week earlier than originally).
I figured I'd agreed earlier on to the figures so why go back on my word. I certainly let the w know I feel the valuation is a bit short got her thinking about custody for me. So I let her stew until the day before it was due till I turned up and signed it.
When I turned up she said 'the bank lady had been asking if I still wanted to see her'? I said 'no'. Did I want to know anything about it? I said 'no'. Do I want a copy of it? I said 'no'.
The form is/was nothing.
I should just take the money and run.
It is not a lot of money either way and if lawyers get involved they would get the lions share.
I'm looking forward to being debt free.
Other than that not much excitement here.
I know my wall and floor tiling days will soon be over and am now actively looking for something different. Have started networking ala meetup groups with some IT dudes so may go back into that area eventually, looking at maybe doing work in the 'care' industry with people who have disabilities. Have been to the dentist and have less money but more teeth (heard the gap tooth look is out for white collar work), even got my hair cut short.
I did not follow all the math but sometimes you just have to walk away from the table and collect the chips you do have.
Quote:
me - hurt little boy mode, don't want to be ripped off.
Not getting ripped off is not being a hurt little boy. Business is business. Always stand up for what is yours; only you get to decide when to deal or not.
You sound good but IMHO she is doing you wrong. I cannot figure why she has not filed but it was important to buy you out now.
No matter, keep doing what you feel is just and honorable.
Another month has gone by and alot has happened, though nothing as far as the restoration of my M goes.
W got the paperwork from the courts, via her lawyer, for setting out our assets and liabilities and we filled it out together. We pretty well stuck to figures we had discussed very early on in all this. We did the math and my payout figure, on the form, was about 4,000 less than what we were working on and had agreed to earlier.
I baulked at signing it saying I couldn't and wouldn't and that we had made an agreement and I had stuck to it even though I did waver and thought the house was worth more but had gone with the original valuation etc...
W got upset at this point and started crying and complaining about how much this was costing her what with lawyers and fees etc, so I got her some tissues and tried my best to comfort her whilst gently letting her know this wasn't my idea and that this sort of thing costs money. She tried to get me to agree to paying half her lawyer fees and I said you pay your lawyer and I'll pay mine if I choose to get one.
W then said 'I give you my word that I'll give you the payout we agreed to regardless what this form says'.
So I said 'OK where do I sign'. We shall see what her word means won't we.
Once all the form filling, signing and initialing was done I made her and I a cup of tea, like you do. I was blown away when W came up to me and wanted a hug. In the last 18+ months she has not wanted to be near me even going as far as telling me she was not comfortable with me touching her when I tried to get a hug a year and a bit ago. CRAZY STUFF. I gave her the hug and she seemed to want to hang around and talk for a while like old times. All the while loverboy is sitting out in the verandah, I didn't hang around and talk like old times with her I took my tea outside and the kids joined me away from her and her 'boyfriend'.
So much for the dramatic side of life, onto the mundane. I am now unemployed again, my choice, I decided I would not be working for my boss's son when he takes over the business and that I would be leaving. Well rather than waiting for it to happen I just jumped. Haven't looked for work through the Easter break but am now actively looking. I'm not too worried at the moment, give me a week or so then I may be.
Have signed up for a weekend retreat run by a delagation of monks from Plumb Village in France. They are in Australia to open a new centre in Victoria and are taking the oppertunity to visit Queensland whilst they are over here. Should be good and I'm looking forward to it.
I'm guessing the W will not be coming around any time soon if ever.
Nearly two months since I was here last. Where does the time go?
SO what's been happening you ask.
Started and finished a new job.
The court orders came back, they ordered exactly what w & I discussed. So thats all good as far as that goes. Not quite the restoration of my m, but will have to do for now.
Went for another long weekend retreat. The mindfulness stuff is life changing and I recommend it to everyone on these forums. I can honestly say it was one of the best weekends I have ever had.
Back to work Monday and w phones, wants me to get to her lawyers real quick as her new mortgage is going stale at the bank waiting for the new titles (without me on it) for the property.
So I went to her lawyers that day to sign away the house & car. It was papers to remove me from the title and leave w & her parents on it. The lawyer stayed in his room until I advised reception, after waiting a few minutes, to just let me sign and go, he came out then I signed away. I flippantly said w's got my bank details you can transfer the $'s there when the bank stuff is done. He said it would be a cheque & they needed a receipt. I told him that a cheque was unacceptable and advised him not to worry as I'd talk to the w about it.
I had not been bothered about signing this stuff away but I thought the lawyer was a smart ar$e and I had probably reacted to him keeping me waiting and ripping off the w etc. He was the only thing that bothered me about the whole thing.
I thought I'd help out and get the papers for the car sorted out so as not to hinder me getting my $'s. So I did.
Now I'm just waiting for the $'s. It has been over three weeks and I'm starting to get impatient.
I will phone the Lands Office today to see whats going on with the transfer, I cant see that it would take three weeks to change a name, not in this day and age.
I do hope her lawyer isn't stuffing me around, maybe there is a time limit on these orders. I should check that out too.
W may have the house, car and all the furniture but she also has a big mortgage. I on the other hand, when I get the $'s, will be pretty well debt free and be able to do anything I choose.
So who wins and who loses? Are there winners and losers?
The kids are all doing great, they don't like the idea of the w's 'friend' being there all the time but theres not much they can do. I'm still in no position to have them round much and I don't want to have a custody battle over them and then have court ordered visitation rights and all that sort of cr^p. As long as I get to see them and they get to see me and we have quality time together when we are together, I will be happy and I'm sure they will be too. I will be buying a van when I get the settlement so there will be lots more days out then. It should be good.
So here I am two and a half years post bomb...
Assets are split all bar the money. Still no talk of the big d. w swings, one time talkative another wants nothing to do with me. me totally non plussed, probably past it now all her rellies like me all her rellies apparently don't like loverboy w likes loverboy w don't like me me don't care either way
Must be some sort of record here, this thread is now over two year old.
Nothing much happening here in the marriage restoration business. It is looking like I'll just have to cut my losses, so to speak, and move on to greener pastures.
Her loss.
Got payed out, got a car, still not D'd and no talk of it. Car is in the mechanics now, ah the pleasures of owning a vehicle.
I am happily under employed, well not so happily I do need more hours. Working in disability support, it is good work, I enjoy it and have possibly found a nice niche for me for now. Will just see what pans out.
Talked to an IT teacher (head IT honcho) at a local catholic high school today about the possibility of me doing some support work there assisting with their laptop program and other stuff. I can see myself doing this too.
Also I played a part in an amateur tv pilot supposedly in the "Curb your Enthusiasm" vein, we'll see. Can't give too much away but if all goes well I might get to see some of you guys stateside when I'm over there to pick up awards or the like, you know the stuff we actor types get up to.
I've given up the AA, the disease concept seems a cop out to me and I cannot see myself being in recovery for the rest of my life, so it's no more meetings for me. I have made a commitment to some service work so I'll be seeing that out.
Would I be doing these things had there been no bomb and resultant carnage? Defiantly (or is it definatly) not.
