how did I miss this thread?! I thought I was checking on you now and then, argh!!
oh my sweets, praying hard for you, I pray a good job comes knocking on your door soon bigW, darn it slow economy!! Sending a smack upside W's head, boy, who does she thinks she is kidding? 9:30? that is just ridiculous. Did you ever get any further with the adhd tests? I think you mentioned it last. You know, you put up with SO darn much, that the adhd excuses I give about my stbx just went out of the window, he would've self combust at your pace, you are an amazing father/H for doing so much))))
I love seeing you in my thread dear friend, take care of yourself))))))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
My cheeks are red (more than two) from all that have had the compassion to venture in my thread. I don't update so much so my updates will be most likely longer than appreciated but I do need to expel some. I took the sales job at the insurance brokerage firm because my options are at nill. I interviewed back at my old job and I think by the expression of their eyes they realized that I didn't want the job, just trying to provide. They had put me in an interview room with a window to the hallway so that all could peer in and say hello. It was bad enough to come with what's left of my tail between my legs and then to say hello to all that I had worked with several years before. The interview went as well as could be expected and strangely it was nice to see some that I had enjoyed working with. But Previously I had accepted the insurance job because it was SO different and at least they would reimbursement for the license that I need to achieve. Needlessly to say, my family and my W's family think it is totally ridiculous and I have been shunned. I have been doing the online schooling for 2-3 hours a night to get my accreditation and need to CRAM before I start training next week. My W thinks it's absolutely stupid and I certainly understand why but it's time to sh_t or get off the pot as my mother always says. I strangely feel this might be a good temporary destination for me since at least I will get a free Health and Life license out of the deal if everyone is on the up and up. I have researched the firm as much as possible and it seems to be legitimate, so it is all up to me. My M and it's components are all astray. I have been a little more than STRESSED and TENSE to say the least. My Buffer money is gone and unemployment is soon to run out next month. All parties in the family have turned against me because the trip to LA was voided because I didn't have a job. At least that was what was told the kids. I have tried to get this house ready to sell and it is done after putting in the new fence last week. Most likely I will wait until fall to get that together and it will be to most likely split the return on equity if and when it sells. My W had said that I didn't try hard enough looking for a new job or looked the right way. Nothing new there, unless it is her way than it is wrong. We have to go to Seattle this weekend for a wedding on her fathers side of the family. We had got the hotel room at discount through her mother but we were to come home on monday the 11th the same day as my start day for training. My w is out of town on business in Iowa and Chicago and will be flying in sat the 9th to Seattle. She was worried about the particulars with driving and such and I told her I would take care of it. She said that she didn't want to wait so she called her mom. She proceeded to state that it was because of my stupid job and "there wasn't going to be a paycheck anyway" and that I needed to figure it out. I was enraged and told her that it was my problem as far as transportation and that I would figure it out and that I didn't appreciate her "stepping in". It was a major argument and our middle "s" friend was staying the night so he got to hear the whole thing. Meanwhile I had agreed to get all the supplies for her bachelorette party for one of her friends, dwindling more money out of our account that we could give. I dropped off the kids to a movie and got the alcohol and party stuff from the store. I then went to get her her wireless card for her laptop because her company failed to provide her one. I didn't understand that because it is a MAJOR banking institution and all the hours and things she is supposed to accomplish is never going to happen without one. I mean a laptop without a wireless card is like a paraplegic with a crutch. I dropped off all the supplies and wireless card and then I went to the movie because the little one had to be with his brother and friend. My wife texted me that she doesn't understand why I am so stressed and to try to live her life with all that is expected of her. I just told her this is no competition, I just want to be acknowledged that I have a right to feel the way I do. She said that she has tried to help but I won't take it. I told her $10.00 an hour jobs will not help our situation and the jobs she applied for me have shift hours that will not work that go into the evening. I appreciate the thought but WE need something more do-able. I told her that it might be the time for me to detach myself from this situation since I apparently am bringing everyone down and making everyone anxiety stricken. She said that she would rather move into the garage and that would take care of everything. Ridiculous. Meanwhile I had promised her parents that I would take the kids to their company picnics after dropping my W off at the airport the following day. I had dropped my W off and when I got home the "M" son told me she forgot her glasses and I needed to go back to the airport. I was supposed to meet the in laws at the picnic within a half hour. I called them and they were peeved but they said they would see me soon. She did actually say thank you but that was that. I got all the kids together and went to the two picnics and was ignored by the father in law. He seems to think that "NOW" I am a lowlife and not doing what I can for the family. I stated that without the money I had saved, my credit rating and the time I have endured picking up the slack then we would be worse off. He walked away and that was that. SOOOO...I really don't want to spend the extra money going to this wedding that I don't even know and endure the cold shoulders of family members all the while. My wife is supposed to fly into Seattle on sat with me picking her up. I really want to drop everything and get some distance from all this. I want to concentrate on this new job with all that I have, it is my only shot at success. My kids don't listen to me because I am the reason they're summer has been shot and my nerves have been frayed to nothing. I also have been finding out that My son's and my medication have been dwindling far more than the normal dosage. The pharmacy is not refilling the prescriptions because it is too early. I notified my wife of this fact and she said that she only has taken a "FEW". I told her that unless her name is on the prescription then it would be best if she didn't take any. She said that it wasn't any big deal and that I was being paranoid. I told her that not only is my son's and my doctor charting this but so is the insurance company and it is a BIG deal. She said "don't exaggerate!" The medication is for a fairly rare genetic bone disease that we both share and his Asperger medication for alertness. I believe that she has taken more than her share but also I believe my son is selling some of them at school as well since they are stimulants. So there is a lot more To update..seeing my father who I haven't spoken to for 15 years (childhood trauma, hostile) who is dying and my mother but I will spare those details for now. I really feel at this moment in time, it might be good for me to detach for awhile not just mentally but physically. I found my self esteem swirling in the toilet bowl the other day and retrieved what I could.....I just hope it is enough...peace
Whapu-- ((big hugs)) I am floored that not only is no one offering you any kind of compassion or support, but to add to the insanity, they're all taking swings at your gut at every opportunity. I just can't fathom living that way. I know that's not really helpful...just want you to know that you are a worthwhile, unique, valuable man, and there are people here who care about and believe in you.
I rarely, if ever get into this "Piecing" area. I keep expecting to burst into flames. But, Figgy's vigilant and pointed out I oughta stop by.
As someone who cares, I have that bias that says, "get the hell out of Dodge" and save yourself from this noise. However, I'm going to try and temper it with some coffee in my system.
I hear that your wife isn't listening. I hate ultimatums. Truly and fer certain. I think it's time for an ultimatum. You have to look out for what you need too. This has been a looooong time thing for you. At least a few years, huh? And it seems like a lot of the surface problems are clouding the personal perception for you. Like you're going more from ALF to Arthur Miller in your self-perception and your view of the kids' perceptions. Don't carry the world, man. It orbits without your help.
That invitation to the campfire is always open. I've got a few axes, so I'm sure we could loan one to you for a few nights.
Let me take a moment just to exhale................................ Okadee dokadee! First, Let me just say that Fig's cyber smooches are so enriching and appreciated, in fact they fulfill the USDA recommended daily allowance TWO-FOLD! (I think BH will agree if not expound on it's other requirements that it fulfills) BH, One thing that you don't want to lend me at the moment is an AXE! But thanks anyway, I have been grinding enough already, especially my teeth. I understand what you mean about the "Piecing" and the fear of bursting into flames. I feel at this moment that I will be relocating and keeping this thread for as long as it lasts for a "what could have been".
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Whapu-- ((big hugs)) I am floored that not only is no one offering you any kind of compassion or support, but to add to the insanity, they're all taking swings at your gut at every opportunity. I just can't fathom living that way. I know that's not really helpful...just want you to know that you are a worthwhile, unique, valuable man, and there are people here who care about and believe in you.
Aud, That is helpful beyond belief! I am always told that I am being TOO sensitive, TOO paranoid and too etc... that it is nice to know that my gut still relays correct information from time to time. I appreciate your insight as well as FIGGY or (THUGGY), BH and Cat who peer in.
Sooo...The weekend happened and as far as I know I lived to tell about it. It was as ugly a situation as I could have imagined but here it goes... I dropped off the kids at the grandparents house on Thursday evening for them to go to Seattle before me while I finish up all the state licensing requirements. An hour after I dropped them off I get a phone call from the M son that the little one wants to go home and is crying frantically. I talk to the little one and he is pleading to come home. I said that I have to get some important stuff done but will meet everyone in Seattle In a couple of days. This doesn't suffice and he is pleading that I get him out of there. meanwhile in the distance, I can overhear his grandpa stating what a "baby" he is for not wanting to stay. I told the little one to give the phone to grandpa and grandma. He did and I told them I would pick him up because he just wasn't ready to be separated. She said give it a little awhile and I said that I would give it a 1/2 hour and if it wasn't better than I would pick him up. A half hour later he is screaming that he wants to come home so I said that I would pick him up. Again, I hear voices in the background stating what a BABY he is for not staying. He is 3 years old and yes, that in my mind still constitutes a baby in a lot of regards! SO I pick him up with pleading from my INLAWS to have him stay and I said that for now wouldn't be a good idea. We had a good movie night for the remainder of the evening except that MOMMA called several times over stating that I should tell her parents how that is unacceptable to tell a 3 year old that. I said that they were entitled to their own opinion and they were her parents so that would be her call. She said I was closer to home and I said PRECISELY! I had already taken care of it. Whatever. So I clean the house and take the little one up to Seattle. Meanwhile I am getting calls every 10 minutes from my W and the father in law wondering where I am. I then get a call from my W that her plane from Iowa has been canceled because of Tornadoes and she doesn't know where her luggage is and she doesn't think she will make it to Seattle. I told her to first find her luggage and then reschedule a flight. She states that I am not listening..I just said that "I wasn't trying to tell you what to do. I was trying to let you know it isn't an end all situation. It will all be easy taken care of." This was all while I was driving to Seattle. She did call to give different arrangements and the plane was only going to be 2 hours later. I get to the hotel room in Seattle and find that the room is utterly trashed! There is wet swim trunks and towels on the beds, candy wrappers, dirty clothes all over the floor and remnants of Room Service charged to the room. At first I thought I opened the wrong room until I recognized the swim trunks of the "m" son. The double beds are thoroughly wet and strewn. I call the INLAWS and they said that the oldest 16 and the M 12 had a room together for the night. I was p!ssed! I told them that I was under the understanding that they would be in their room. She said that they didn't want to and an extra room opened up so they got it. I told her what had been done and she said that she was sorry. I explained that it was not a good idea to get a room for teenagers but also explained that it wasn't good on our kids part as well. Especially after TEARING into the boys about the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign being left on the door preventing the room from being cleaned. My oldest sons response was "IT was there when we got there." and the M son's response was "I gave the maid the dirty towel I had just used." I asked what about the 7 other wet dirty towels and he said it didn't matter. I WAS LIVID!!!! I explained that his mom was coming in after 7 days being out of state and then coming to a hotel room and smelling and looking like a locker room was unacceptable;e, he stated "I wanted my own room, oh well." I was beyond angry! And the way he stated it was like "What are you going to do about it?" I had to pick up my wife in a half hour so I said more would be coming as far as what I had to say. I picked up my W and told her so there wouldn't be too much of a surprise and she was livid, unrelenting. We got to the hotel room and all she did was b!tch about the flight, not wanting to go to this wedding and how rude it was that the room was TOO SMALL and GHETTO. I brought up that it would have not been so bad without the wet and soiled underwear, swim trunks and towels and candy wrappers everywhere. She told the M son how angry she was and he said "That's why I need my own room and why do we care.?" I was ENRAGED!!!!! I stated how that we were paying for this room and that his mom had been away for 7 days and it isn't nice to come to a dirty hotel room of all places. He shrugged his head and said that it didn't matter. My W just continued to b!tch about being there and then I thought to myself why in the hell was I there? I just wanted the kids to get out of town and this is what I get? Then my W looks through all the clothes that were packed for the kids. She had told me to pack the little ones outfit that is all matching and so I did but what she really wanted was his dark blue polo shirt. It all unraveled from there. No one's clothes were right and she didn't want to go. No one brought the right shoes and the internet connection didn't work for her computer. She said that she has to set everyone's clothes out to be right and SHE HAS TO DO EVERYTHING. She demanded that I get the "M" new shoes as well as the little one (the shoes just weren't quite right) She was straightening the (m) son's hair and bitching that she couldn't get ready herself when I said "YOU know he is nearly 13 years old, he should be able to dress himself by now" She lit up how I don't do this and don't do that and she doesn't even want to go to this wedding...." I looked at her and said "I have programmed the site of the wedding on the GPS and have paid for the hotel room until tomorrow. I start my job tomorrow and really I am not going to a persons wedding that I don't even know. Since you seem to have a better handle on what everyone should look like then I will drive home." She was still b!tching about the outfits of the boys and I just SCREAMED outta there. There was a lot more but as always will constrict due to length. As far as I am concerned, I will keep this thread here till it no longer breathes and then will be packing up the CYBER UHAUL to SURVIVING. I See no resolutions when I am supposedly the only one accountable for errors. I have little self esteem as it is, and feel that being alone and bankrupt might be better than miserable with money. I know there are many people in my living space waiting in line to hate on me and I say bring them on. The only thing at this moment that will keep me carrying on,is the sound of my own breath.....peace
but I do need to expel some.
But thanks anyway, I have been grinding enough already, especially my teeth. I understand what you mean about the "Piecing" and the fear of bursting into flames. I feel at this moment that I will be relocating and keeping this thread for as long as it lasts for a "what could have been".