Oldtimers: Return or not..what finally happened?

[JMC]

I just noticed this thread again - very interesting commentary and subject matter. I have found the statistics to be interesting as well, even remarrying the ex-spouse (I have seen that happens anywhere from 6-18%, though for me the 18% seems high).

I have also seen that affairs typically do not last more than 24 months, and those marriages between affair partners end in divorce 85% of the time within 2-5 years.

Despite all these stats, I personally know of three people who left their M and married the affair partner. One woman has been with her affair partner 15 yrs w/3 kids together, another woman has been with hers 7 years and just adopted kid #1, while a guy I know left his W+3kids after ~ 13 yr M to cheat and then marry his secretary (10 yrs his senior and not a looker). I would guess my W has been living with her OM for about a yr, and I have phone records that would indicate a relationship going on 2 yrs (also uncovered another EA, possibly another A, and casual sex last summer while on a 'girls weekend'). On the other hand, I can not think of any reconciliations.

Regarding the casual sex with the estranged spouse, we did that for 7 months post bomb (5 of those she had moved out). It was great, and although I was suspicious I could not confirm OM until after we sold our house last June, after which there has not been more physical contact. There seem to be different schools of thought regarding this topic, and who knows which is best.

I am a little suspect of some sites that have a lot of un-named testimonials touting the return of WAS.

[Sanderika]

Hi JMC,

Thank you for the comments.

I am probably going to be one of those that doesn't reconcile, my odds get worse every day. 6-18% chance is not good.

After 35.5 months of separation without any filing, I feel that there is reason to still be hopeful. Add our friendship and sex life and it adds up to more hope. Our sex life has been fairly steady for the past 31.5 months.

We have not been together now though sexually since 7/11/08 and I am very fearful OW is working him over very steadily now to file. A friend told me just stay in the back seat. Let OW nag and control and rant and rave and nag some more....H will not put up with it. When H comes around continue to be friendly, respectful and loving. Let him know the door is still open. Use actions in front of him as proof and not R talks. He is sick to death of R talks right now most likely. Men react to action and not to emotion.

Again I am probably spinning my wheels. My car is running out of gas. OW is going to fight and fight some more before she goes down.

I personally know of several marriages that reconciled and at least 2 that D and then remarried. I have to admit I might be making a time record for separation though in the ones here I know about. I do actually find several posters on the BB that have reconciled and some long timers are showin promise now after 3-5 years apart.

I live with hope but no expectations.

Sanderika

[JMC]

I live with hope but no expectations.

I guess I can say the same thing Sanderika. Good luck to you.

I personally know of several marriages that reconciled and at least 2 that D and then remarried.

That is good to know and provides some hope.

[peacetoday]

Millicent
we do miss seeing you around the boards
it is a year now for you
hope you are well
peace
any other oldtimers care to share where there MLCer is now on the journey?
still with ow .alone..in new R
do they seem more stable..less confused
peace

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika:

YEs, I understand totally. I wanted a crystal ball. I needed to know the outcome but that was not to be. You can only live one day at a time.

Just remember that sometimes they don't tell us how they really feel about OW. Or they keep us in Limbo Land because they really don't want to hurt us. And everything they do hurts us so much. And they can't stand that. But wouldn't you rather know the truth than to go on forever like this?

As far as Knowledge is Power - yes, I used to think this too. Until a fellow DBer spied on her H with OW often. She read all his emails and his VMs. It has been 7 years. She STILL does it. It hurts her and keeps her from moving forward. So, I'm not sure its the right thing to do. It's like opening a healing wound. And you keep bleeding.

Maybe your informant wants to keep your hopes alive because that is what you want. Just think about that.

Barb

[Sanderika]

Hi Barb,

Another informant last night told me that my H and his OW were going on vacation next week together, actually are leaving tomorrow. Told me that they are going to a national motorcycle rally 2100 miles away from here.

I called my H left him a voice mail and confronted him with the info. I told him while he was gone I would be filing for a D. I asked him to call me back and tell me how he would like to be served. I wished him well. Told him to have a happy B-day, a wonderful vacation and a happy 3rd anniversay. Told him I loved him but that wasn't enough anymore. My S12 would be well taken care of and not to give him another thought.

My H called me back denying the vacation. (I know he was lying) Told me if I wanted a D to go for it, might as well. H said it's been 3 yrs and he can't live like this anymore. Said he has watched me carefully and has noticed all the changes and differences. Admitted he has feelings for me. Said it was a hard question to answer whether he loves me. I asked if he wanted to marry OW twice. He emphatically and loudly said NO each time. We talked for an hour and then got cut off. I haven't heard from him since.

I was waiting for a sign. My sign arrived and I took action. I am sick to my stomach today. I hate the way this has happened. I can't back out now. I am going to make the appt. and move forward with that.

My H will be a very sorry man. I know he is not happy and I don't imagine this will make him any happier either. I know OW is a demon and OW is going to destroy him.

Thank you for your advice.

Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika:

I'm so sorry to see you hurt this way. But he has been stringing you along all the time. He is lying - you know that. And he may very well marry OW. At this point - it won't change your situation that much, although, I have to say that at the 4 year mark when that happened to me - it still hurt and was upsetting.

Don't tell him to leave your son alone. He needs to see him and to support him. Regardless of all the stupid, inconsiderate things he has done, he is still your son's father and nothing will change that.

You are angry and unfortunately reactive. You said things you might regret later. Try to think things through in a business-like manner if you can. I think your H showed you his true colours and while you had your rainbow glasses on - you couldn't see that.

Do what you have to do at this point. you don't need to file. You can stay this way forever. But - I have to say that once I got divorced I started to live again. (don't equate "live" with new R) There are many ways in which you grow, change and start to live again with or without someone new.

I think you were reaching this point any way and this was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. Nothing has changed on his part. Only your expectation had changed because of what your "informant" had told you. I still think the informant's info hurts and doesn't help you move on.

But keep posting to let us know how it is going. I wish the best for you and hope you can be really strong right now.

Barb

[peacetoday]

S
My H filed a few weeks ago--I told him too
Maybe BD Is right, they string us along..they dont want to hurt us
maybe my H knew he was really done for a while,, this was after many months of emotional connecting and talking..supporting him in every way I could
I was surprized he Filed after how hard I tried to be there for him and how we connected emotionally- like never before in pour M..
Iniially I was very sad.Now I feel it is the right thing and the only way out of here for me
I saw my L
I am pleased with what L said

I still do care for my H
he visits all the time
and we are connecting again but this time I see the connection as a way to keep the peace for the kids sake
I will not wait for him any longer
I am finishing up my grief so I can move on
I can clearly see my H is not willing or wanting to work on our M
I gave it 18 months

You might wait and pray for clarity
you may need more time
maybe you will see a sign
he didnt seem to want you to file..but how do we know what that means in MLCer language
good luck
I hope you find some peace today
Peace

[Sanderika]

Thank you Peace,

I do not feel any better today.

I do not want to do this, I haven't made a call yet.

I really don't think he is coming back though, so don't know why I haven't called.

I can't figure out his mind. One day he is here for me and the next or several next he isn't. I do not think he wants to D. I still don't know the real reasons why. I want to know the reasons before I file. I probably won't wait for the answers though.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't even have a clear head. I spent yesterday just sitting and thinking and went to bed for 12 hours. I do not feel refreshed. I feel this has become my problem. I feel he doesn't want the problem but would go on as status quo and make no motions himself.

I am afraid.....

Sanderika

[peacetoday]

S
Im sorry you are in pain
but maybe the pain is good and it will bring you clarity
we cant live in denial and on wishful thinking forever
maybe there needs to be a point when we say no more
but that is up to each of us
I meditate and feel the D is the right thing now
many months ago I meditated and felt standing was right
I always thought H would return
now I am letting go of that hope
I pray H will be OK and not do any further damage to himself, kids or our business
He has already hurt me as no one has ever
its out of my hands
continue taking care of yourself
feel the pain..release it
clarity will come
peace