Oldtimers: Return or not..what finally happened?

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika:

We posted at the same time. I just don't want you to miss my post. Have a good day!

Barb

[Sanderika]

Thank you Barb...

I appreciate every word you said.

I understand the consequences of each of the roads in front of me.

I am searching for the answer.

The questions I want answered are probably only going to be answered in time, perhaps even a long time from now.

Do I continue to stand?

Do I file and go?

Why is he standing?

Why isn't he filing if he is already gone?

What is keeping him from returning, really?

What is keeping him from filing, really?

Is status quo enough for all of us?

I have a lot to think about and it helps to talk to you all. I wish I could get a sign that would light up in neon and flash rapidly in front of my eyes pointing to the solution.

It is lonely and disheartening in limboland. It hurts like h*ll. I feel so bad all the time and am tired of having to buck up and be brave and strong. I want to be free. I wake up with little change to look forward to. One day in my life is really just like all the others. Yeah, I GAL a lot but my life is the same, if you know what I mean and I am sure you do.

Thank you Barb, I appreciate you...

Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

No worries, Sanderika.

I wish you the best with the choices that you make. It is not nearly so cut and dried as those who have not walked in our shoes might think.

It has been my experience and listening to others that the WA does not often file for D. Often they don't want to be "the one". Mine had been living with maggot for years. Then when I finally said ENOUGH and filed so I could get peace and not worry he was going to screw up financially (he was prone to it) - he said to the kids "Just remember - the divorce is what your mother wanted". No, I NEVER wanted a divorce. But I was not willing to share him with maggot forever either.

I don't think he wanted to be free to marry maggot (as he did). But he had no recourse once divorced. She had divorced soon after leaving her ex. But she had emotionally left the M long before.

I don't think they want to be the bad guy. I don't think they want to do the work. And like us - they worry about the financial outcome of the divorce.

In your case there has actually been mention of him possibly returning. I had not heard that for 3 years by the time I filed. So maybe yours will. For your sake, I hope so, as long as he will make the changes necessary in order for your M to survive.

Barb

[peacetoday]

Barbie
What is the R of your X and OW
They are M
Is the R good..Is X happy or do you know
Im just wondering what finally happens to our spouses after we are gone
yes, It seems we become happier, and better people
and them??
Peace

[Sanderika]

Hi Barbie,

I am also curious about Peace's question.

Is your X and the Maggot still happy? How long have they been married?

I am quite sure you are correct about my H in our sitch. He does not want to be the one to file. He definately does not want to be the bad guy. I am quite certain I am his "Safety Net", as long as he's married he doesn't have to marry the GERM.
Financially this could ruin him and all of his future plans. He does not want his finances to take even the slightest hit. I was the one who managed all the money. It is what I do and I am actually quite a whiz with it. I DON'T MIND PATTING MYSELF ON THE BACK HERE. My H has complained since he kicked me out of my job thathe never has any money any more. Cry a River to Someone Else, I say. It didn't have to be that way BUT that d*mn GERM has him fashionably wearing a choke collar with a 1' leash.

OH NO......the OW-GERM is at my company building where H lives. Just got one of those famous neighborly reports. My heart is pounding rapidly and I am instantly nervous. Maybe they didn't have their R - Ultimatum Talk yesterday and it is happening now. OMG OMG OMG I all of a sudden feel very scared. It is very uncommon for her to come down here in the middle of the week. OW lives 1 hour away. I need to breathe.

Going to go clean a closet or something to get my mond of this fear.

Sanderika

[millicent]

Peace - I was sad to read that you were served. I don't post anymore - lack of time, moving on, etc. But you were so good to me when I was struggling, that I try to follow your situation when I can.

I know that you weren't really expecting this and I can't imagine what you must have been feeling. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs!

Millicent ("waiting" no more)

[BarbieDoll]

Hi,

I couldn't imagine living with maggot. Totally controlling, manipulative - H can't do anything for himself. But you know - I'm not so sure there is anything wrong with their R. But I have no way of knowing. They have been married 3 years in Sept.

Sanderika:

She obviously upsets you very much. I found that the less I knew about them, the easier it was on me.

Very tired tommorrow. I'll catch up in the morning.

Barb

[naej]

Hi, my x has been m to his ow for 3-4 yrs gosh I can't really remember. Is that good?
He told his d he is happy.
Sanderika: The less you know the better as Barb said. We have all had derogatory names for the OW at some time or other but what we see or hear is not what our husbands see so it doesn't stop them going ahead and marrying them.
My x actually told me he would never marry again and had no wish to D, a few months before he did.

[Sanderika]

OW spent night with my H. She is still there.

naej, I know you are right about what he sees. I know it is something wonderful to him, why else would he be with her.

It still hurts that H isn't apparently seeing in me what he once did.

I hate this place.......

I have a window to the world most LBS don't have. It is hard not to hear and see it all as it is happening.

I can't even imagine the day right now that H marries someone else.

Heck, I can't get beyond the day to decide to stand or file.

I can't imagine him coming to me and handing me papers after all this time either.

[Sanderika]

Barb,

YES...YES...YES...OW upsets me.

I always accept the information in whatever form it arrives. To me "knowledge is power".

I know it keeps the wounds raw...I should be dead right now with all my wounds.

I am still standing.....I just wish I knew what the outcome would be.

A friend of mine says "We cannot know the outcome, it is part of our journey on this earth, we don't have the right to manipulate our lives based on the outcome and that which does not kill us makes us stronger".