One Year Yesterday

[*KS*Chick*]

So much has changed. My divo was final one year ago yesterday. My house was quiet. Peanut was with me for a while, but it was his weekend, and is his week to have her ALLLLLLLL week

Positives ~
Things are going pretty good at work - raise, upcoming promotion?

Peanut and I are wonderful - get along better than ever.

I feel like I might be worth a bit more than originally thought.





Negatives ~

I still deal with the anger. Anger that I was blamed for so much when I wasn't completely at fault. Angry that he seems to be "living it up", the "fun" parent, but can't be bothered to actually pay for the things that matter. Angry that I wasted so much time, and angry for feeling like a fool. (obviously still need to work on that a smidge!)

I miss Peanut and don't share well.

Tired, burnt out on 2 jobs, broke.






That being said - I would not trade. I know the path wasn't the correct one but I wouldn't change it. I would still be treated like crap, belittled, not loved like I should have been, and it would have all been passed off like a joke.

[cat03]

a glass of wine for both of us))))))))))))))))))))

About the "fun" dad thing, hon, Peanut knows better, there are things our children can see that we can't, they are very perceptive, and in the long run as she grows up she'll look back and she will see what kind of parent each of us is.

Hope you get the promotio/raise

Chin up hon, have a great week))))))

[PON_dering]

I know the path wasn't the correct one but I wouldn't change it. I would still be treated like crap, belittled, not loved like I should have been, and it would have all been passed off like a joke.

I wouldn't be so sure your path wasn't the "correct" one. The thing is, we see the big picture so imperfectly. You already recognize sooooo many ways God has used this time of trial for your good.

And I'm certain there are a lot of ways He will use it for your ex and for Peanut as well.

I don't know if anything in our lives is purely "good" or purely "bad" ... it seems more of a mixture of wheat & tares and we don't always properly recognize which is which at the time.

(those wheat & tares have been on my mind for several weeks now!)

Pretty much, I think you rawk girl

[*KS*Chick*]

I was surfing the newcomers section and came across this children of alcoholics thing.....and wow... (PON - notice the part about strictly black and white?!)





If you grew up in an Alcoholic house you'll have ACOA issues (adult children of alcoholics). Growing up in an alcoholic household you were subjected to push pull love. "Come here, go away". Because of this you have a deep rooted fear of abandonment, where you think the whole world will collapse if you are 'abandoned' by the central source of your love. You learned how to make an unhealthy attachment due to this fear of abandonment.

It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just the environment you grew up in.

See if you can identify with any of these:

1. Fear of losing control. ACoAs maintain control of their feelings and behavior. In addition, they try to control the feelings and behavior of others. They do not do this to hurt themselves or others, but because they are afraid. They fear their lives will get worse if they lose control and they become uncomfortable and anxious when they cannot control situations, feelings and behaviors. (me?)

2. Fear of feelings. Since childhood and continuing as adults, ACoAs have buried their feelings (especially anger and sadness). In addition, they've lost the ability to feel or express emotions freely. Eventually they fear all intense feelings, even good ones such as joy and happiness. (me...)

3. Overdeveloped sense of responsibility. ACoAs are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Their self-esteem comes from how others view them. They have a compulsive need to be perfect. (me?)

4. Guilt feelings. When ACoAs stand up for themselves instead of giving in to others, they feel guilty. They usually sacrifice their own needs in an effort to be "responsible." (me?)

5. Inability to relax/let go/have fun. Having fun is stressful for ACoAs, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified; exercising all the control it can muster to be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid control, spontaneity suffers. (don't think this is me?)

6. Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism. ACoAs have very low self-esteem, regardless how competent they may be in many areas. (me...)

7. Denial. Whenever ACoAs feel threatened, their tendency toward denial intensifies. (me...)

8. Difficulty with intimate relationships. To ACoAs, intimacy equates to being out of control. It requires love for self and expressing one's own needs. As a result, ACoAs frequently have difficulty with sexuality. They repeat unsuccessful relationship patterns. (me?)

9. Living life as a victim. ACoAs may be either aggressive or passive victims. They are often attracted to other "victims" in love, friendship and work relationships. (I don't think this one is me?)

10 Compulsive behavior. ACoAs may work compulsively, eat compulsively, become addicted to a relationship or behave in other compulsive ways. ACoAs may drink compulsively and become alcoholics themselves. (me?)

11. Tendency to confuse love and pity. Because they don't differentiate between these two emotions, ACoAs often "love" people they can pity and rescue. (I don't think this is me?)

12. Fear of abandonment. In order not to experience the pain of abandonment, ACoAs will do anything to hold on to a relationship. (ummmmmm probably was/is me?)

13. Tendency to view issues in terms of black or white. When they are under stress, the gray areas of life disappear and ACoAs see themselves facing an endless series of either/or alternatives. (me?)

14. Tendency toward physical complaints. ACoAs suffer higher rates of stress related illnesses (migraine headaches, ulcers, eczema, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.) than the general population. (yea that's me)

15. Suffering from delayed grief. Because the alcoholic family does not tolerate intensely uncomfortable feelings (such as sadness and anger), children in such homes rarely, if ever, grieve over their losses. Losses in their adult lives usually cannot be felt without calling up these past feelings. As a result, ACoAs are frequently depressed. (me...)

16. Tendency to react rather than to act. As children, ACoAs became anxious and hypervigilant. They remain so in their adult lives, constantly scanning the environment for potential
catastrophes. Problem solving and stress management techniques are something they consider after the fact if at all. (me?)

http://captus.samhsa.gov/central/documents/4AdultChildrenofAlcoholics.pdf

[Lissie]

I miss Peanut and don't share well.

I hear ya.

Your postives are so wonderful. You have come so far chickie!

Remember us last year?

You are worth plenty, and don't you ever forget that.

The anger I think sometimes keeps us on our toes. You are not letting it overcome you.

That is what matters, I think.

you need a vaca from both jobs even a day or 2 so you can pamper yourself, I know easy to say...................

Kiss the peanut!

proud of you babes

[Reincarnated]

KS--
Didn't realize we were both ACOA. Yep, we can check off most (but not usually all) of these feelings. Have you ever gone to AlAnon? I have been going since Oct, and it has made a huge difference to me and my awareness.

I miss my kids when they are away, too. S is at summer camp with x for the week, and both will be gone with him for a week at the end of the summer. Ick. Making lots of plans to fill the time.

[SueS]

KS- I was just browsing through everyone's thread on this site and saw yours.

Thanks for posting the list about ACOA. I'm one too. I can't believe how many of those describe me. I know there are a few other posters on the site that are also ACOA.

Have a great day!

SueS

[fig]

a whole year ago

and

look at us now

(where is that mary tyler moore theme music)

[Trip]

KS, thanks for posting that about ACOA. All of those points describe my mother. I never put some things together in regards to her and her childhood. This helps me to see her and her life through different eyes. Also, helps me to understand why she is the way she is. Thank you.

[catfan]

Hey KS! Well I didn't think I'd be over here but here I am.

Funny you brought up anger, I was just involved in a conversation with my local divorce/separation group about this. One thing to remember is anger is a human emotion just like happiness. So don't suppress it or you'll be denying yourself part of the healing process. The big thing, learn and recognize the anger triggers. That will help greatly in dealing with it.

BTW, it's good to hear you are doing well!!