Oldtimers: Return or not..what finally happened?

[Sanderika]

Hi BarbieDoll,

I want some advice I can work with here...

I LOVE WHAT YOU JUST WROTE TO PEACE!!!!!!

My H and I are (were) High School Sweethearts. We have been together 29 years and married 24. (1) S12.

I am 35.5 months into this separation. My H left and had OW in the wings 1 week prior. H is still with OW. H & I started our own company at 19 years old. H kicked me out of my company on 3/13/08 and put the BFF of the OW in my job. OW has been on the payroll ever since as well. I still hold 50% ownership in the corporation. H sends my salary every week, covers my gas, health and car insurance and cell phone.

I should add: My H hated me when he left and now we are friends. We started to rekindle our friendship in Jan. '06

Well here I am 4.5 months later...sitch still the same as March. H and I last ML on 7/11/08. H has come and gone numerous times over the past 3 years...never moved home would just spend a night here and there we never go out for fun or as a family. I get shot down if I ask so I don't.

H told me on 12/31/06 that he didn't love me anymore and that he loves OW. At this point in time I don't see the R with OW ending. I have posted my whole story on other threads...I would like you to read them if you have time.

I like what you just said to Peace...Her sitch hits home with me. I want to move on but I AM SCARED TO DEATH. I have never been with anyone except my H. I love him very much. I guess I have to realize that H has moved on and I am not in his future plans.

When do you know it's time to file for a D?

How do you approach H?

In DR, Michelle describes "a last resort technique to the LRT",
Should I implement that completely before I file?

At this point H will not file so is waiting futile?

H doesn't want to implement a D for several reasons IMO:
Financial
Security
As long as M won't have to permanently settle down w/ OW
Cake Eating
Lazy
OUT ON A LIMB....
Maybe he thinks we still have a chance
Maybe he is working through his MLC in his own time frame and
he plans on returning....I DON'T KNOW!!!!

H will be 45 in a week and I will be 45 in a month....I am tired.

I wonder If I file will I be happy. Peace and I are at a crucial point in our lives and decisions are hard to make. When you have put your all and everything you could have possibly done to restore your M fails and your H is still being STUPID!!! where do you find solace? Does a D really bring solace? Does a D bring more years of pain? I am hurting so bad just like so many here. I really can't go further, or can I?

The OW in my sitch IS A GERM. I HATE HER. She has continued to date a M man and flaunts it all over the place. I know my H has been a willing party to the A. HECK, I think I am the mistress and OW is the wife on most days!!!!! IF THAT ISN"T BS CRAZY STUFF. I know my H feels he is chating on her when he is with me. Being M 24 years is a long time. HECK we have had more sex in the past 3 years than we had in the previous 3 years to the separation. GO FIGURE!!!

Please help me....I am at a crossroad and I need to go left or right soon.

THANK YOU SO MUCH,

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

BarbieDoll,

Did you file for a D or did your H?

I read hear that in some cases a M is saved in the LRT just from filing and the WAS realizes his blunder and comes home.

Do you believe this can happen for me if I file....or am I in this at a point of no return. I mean is my M too far gone?????

I would really like to converse with you...If you please,

Thank you,

Sanderika

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sanderika:

I'm going to post a short response since I have to go out and won't be back till later in the day. But I will respond fully at that time, promise.

We were in similar situations as I was with H 30 years, married 25 when he left. And yes - I don't care what anyone says - OW is a parasite. A horrible piece of crap.

Your situation differs from mine in the fact yours is coming back for sex. Mine never did. He did move back home one time. But it only lasted a week.

I will be glad to answer all your questions and offer the best insight that I have. But first - I want to ask you a few more.

Do you REALLY feel that you love this man with all your help and want to be with him despite all the horrible things he has done to you?

Can you really, truly forgive and forget if he did want to come back and have a fresh start? This is a personal thing - I thought that I could. But I know now that I was wrong. I would NEVER have forgotten. It would have hurt and haunted me till my dying day.

When he comes back and uses you for sex without going out or doing things as a family - how does that REALLY make you feel?

Sometimes it is so important to give ourselves a reality check. One thing you have to consider is this:

If he REALLY wanted to be with you - he would not still be with OW. He would be with you.

One more thing to ponder:

Is fear holding you back from moving forward???

Please think about these things. I will check back later and respond to you more fully. But I'd like you to take time with your answers first.

Have a good day!

Barb

PS: I am happy that your H is being financially generous. Mine was NOT!

[Sanderika]

Thank you Barb.....

I do love my H with all my heart. In my heart I know we belong together and I truly believe we are soul mates. I have had to overcome so much of what he has done already. 35.5 months is a very long time. Things have happened in the past 35.5 months that I won't even touch on because it is water under the dam now. I have stood by him, stayed to support him and have been faithful to him because of my deep love for him. This man is inside of me. He always will be.

In my heart I have forgiven him for all of this, I look at this as something H had to do. Right or wrong H has to go thru this in his life, it's too bad I am down in the well with him on this MLC rollercoaster. I hold no grudge against him. I verbalize this every morning before getting out of bed: "I forgive my H for what he is going to do today". My only hope is that we will learn from this and grow in experience and in turn we will reunite in a more loving, compassionate manner. 24 Years M is too precious to throw away. I still believe that he loves me but is still way too caught up in this MLC to see/admit it. After being together 29 years it is not in the realm for me to D.

If my H comes back and I can be certain the OW is out of the picture and there is no contact I can be fine. I am certain that H will not come back if the OW is in the picture. OW is an all or nothing type. I will never forget about this as long as I live whether we reunite or not. If I forget this happened, there will be no lesson learned and the marriage will not survive. I am however a very disciplined person and this sitch will never be brought up by me, and that is more than a promise. I currently never speak or throw inuendos about the OW to my H EVER. IT is a taboo in my world.

Sex with my H is wonderful. I never turn him down so I am open to the idea of it even though I know she is in picture. After we have sex I am enlightened and filled with hope that we are not done with our M. It keeps our friendship alive as well. I do become sad if I have not been with him as is the case right now. I have not been with him since 7/11/08 and frankly I am worried about this funk he is in now. I analyze it and wonder why 24/7. It does leave me wondering if, for instance, this past time (7/11/08) will be the last time. I know there is OW (GERM) and it is always possible that her hold is growing.

Another thought (this one is strange for me, but I will be honest) is like this: "THERE YOU OW-GERM, YOUR BF ISN'T FAITHFUL TO YOU AND YOU ARE GETTING EXACTLY WHAT YOU DESERVE, YOU DON'T DESERVE BETTER". I have various versions of this idea. OW does not know we have been together sexually between 1/3/06 and 7/11/08. One of us would die.

It hurts that we don't do together or family things. I won't say we never have in the past 35.5 months but it is very infrequent and it doesn't amount to much. I have learned to accept this for now and I know it is because of the OW. H can't be seen with me for fear OW will find out. Very small town here.

I know that H would be home if he wanted to be here. MLC is still ruling. For some reason, and this is what I am trying to figure out, H comes and goes in baby steps and OW gets the lions share of quality time. I have said that H told me he loves the OW. I keep the hope that H will realize he already has what he wants and that is his life with me and S12.

I will again be honest.....I am scared to death!!!!!!

I do not want to be alone anymore.

I do not want to parent S12 alone anymore.

I want to grow old and retire with my H and be Grammy and Grampa with my H together.

I do not want to risk going down this road again. My heart is so broken from this that I will not risk it again.

I am financially secure so money is not a fear.

I have parented alone for 3 years...I know I can do it I just don't want to.

I am very responsible and independant and self sufficient, It is not a need but rather a want to have him back with us.

I truly do not want to move forward without him.

I understand what I want right now he does not...That is what makes me scared and sad. I want him to want me, us, home. It is not that I need him to want me, us, home.

I rehearse in my mind that I should file for a D. If I file it is me taking the risk of getting what I don't want. I rehearse all the time that I will simply tell him: "I do not see a reconciliation is possible for us because of your choices. I can not bring us back together alone. I am going to file, as a courtesy I would like you to choose the manner in which you are served the papers. I wish you well, I will always be respectful towards you and I will be your friend. The only thing I ask in return is you have respect towards me".

I am at a crossroads for sure...the fact that the 4th year is right on the horizon actually is not a satisfying thought at all.

Thank you for your advice....

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Hi again Barb,

An update from a friend. Apparently the OW has given my H an ultimatum. It was handed out last Friday (7/25/08). I HAVE HEARD THEY FOUGHT ALL LAST WEEK. Ow told H if he doesn't end the M and file for a D immediately she is done with him as of today (7/28/08). The friend is a very reliable source. H went to his best friend for advice of what to do on Friday nite or Saturday morn. H best friend told him to go home and that if it were him he would be getting home and telling the OW to take a hike and get out of here. My H best friend and his wife were my best friends too and now we are very good friends. These people really want to see us back together and have told my H so many, many times.

I saw H on Sat. I practiced detachment but was polite, kind and friendly. H was here with S dirt biking and I let them have their time. He appeared to me to have something on his mind.

Very interesting....I know my H and he doesn't take ultimatums from anyone....can't wait to see if she has more clout than everyone else. What will happen??? I may get my answer without having to make any more decisions.

Sanderika

[sleeper]

Hi Sanderika,

I truly hope he decides to come home.

As to the title of your thread, I often hear stories of mlcers who decided not to come home but are miserable and regret it for the rest of their lives.

Maybe we could have a "World mlc Day" where we all sit around and visualize them coming home.

Naw, too new ageie.

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sanderika!

Wow - that's an interesting development. Of course you need to remember - believe half of what you hear. Don't count on anything happening. I know that in my situation - the OW could get away with things that NO ONE could. And H, with his addiction to her, just let her get away with it.

That said, I truly hope it will happen for you. Best to do nothing - just wait and see.

I was going to post a long reply tonight but I have been extremely busy. A friend with a crisis, one came for a visit, repeated calls, moving furniture - among other things. This is the first time I sat down since breakfast.

But I will reply further. Be sure to post any developments.

Good luck!

Barb

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sanderika:

OK, to answer you the best that I can.

First of all - everything you do should be because you choose to do it. Listen carefully to your heart and mind. Nothing needs to happen fast - you've shown that it has gone on for a long time. It seems to me that your H likes keeping you dangling. I don't think that is fair to anyone involved but it is what YOU think that counts.

You have made it clear that you can forgive him and want more than anything to restore the marriage. How long can you continue in the manner you are in right now? Indefinitely? It is really not healthy but I can see why you are doing it. I do not mean to put down what you are doing as it is a very personal situation.

Let me tell you about Annette Miller.

Annette used to be a regular on the MLC bb in 2002 - 2003. She had 3 small children. Her H had OW. He even took her baby sometimes and had OW feed the baby. It made my skin crawl! He had moved out and in with OW and was gone for a year. During that time, he came back to visit the kids. And have sex with Annette. Regularly. It made an interesting situation. And we all thought she was nuts to put up with it. I could not understand how her emotional side could take it. I know it was not easy. But she felt the sex kept their connection going. She smugly felt that she had something over OW. I worried about STDs for her. Many here kept on her about his "Cakewalking" and how long she could keep it up.

Annette is one of the success stories from this bb. I met her in person during the height of the problem. But her H came back. And they finished building their new house. And as far as I know (she stopped posting) they are still together today.

Now, not everyone's story ends the same way. But that means maybe your story won't end like mine either. But if you really read my threads - Lemonade Stand etc under Surviving, you will know that I am also a Success Story. Of a different kind.

Because Success is really about making the best life you can for yourself. And sometimes we come to a fork in the road. And sometimes we have to jump hurdles. And sometimes we have to take a detour. Or take the road less travelled. Or navigate uncharted territory. And sometimes we find gold at the end of the rainbow. Or sunshine after the storm.

I just don't like to see anyone held back by fear. Because we have all been there. And we were all terrified in the beginning. I was a frightened small animal when I first came to the bb. Don't touch me - it causes me pain. Don't tell me what I don't want to hear. Let me cling to false hope - it is getting me through all this.

Sandrika, and others - don't believe any promises about your marriage being restored. There are no guarantees. But that doesn't mean it won't happen either. Just don't waste your life waiting.

Limboland is not an easy place to be in. But we all made a stopover there. Some of us decided to stay a while before deciding where to head next. It is not the place to live forever. But - there are many things you can do while you are in Limboland. You can take up a new hobby or rekindle an old one. I did both and I have found a whole new world of fun and friendships with mine. You can go out with friends. (by the way, being unavailable at times while you appear to be GETTING A LIFE is good - makes your H wonder what is up and maybe you are MOVING ON). Try to find the things that used to bring you joy. And do them again. DO NOT DATE before you are ready. And people who are trying to save their marriage DO NOT DATE. I made sure I was long past wanting to save my M before even considering dating. And then I waited even longer. If you're not ready - it won't go well anyway.

I know that some marriages are saved. Most, by the time they get to DB are beyond saving. But who knows which ones will be the exception rather than the rule. I just don't believe anyone should tell you that if you do everything right - your H will "awaken" and return. IF that's the case, after 7 years, my H is still dead. If you know that it is not likely, but still possible that yours might be the marriage that is saved - then you decide how long you can do it and what you will put up with.

Just consider more than one road. And don't let fear guide you.

Barb

[Sanderika]

Hi all.......

Well Monday came and went and I have not heard another word.

I am going to sit and do nothing.

I have thought a lot of the conversation H must have had with his best friend (my source is not this same friend by the way, he is one of my bosses).

From what I know and I am an expert on my sitch, I do believe that my H was talking to his best friend for advice on what to do. I think he wanted to hear again his best friend telling him to go home. His best friend has continuously and repeatedly been an advocate for our reconcilation. He isn't afraid to tell him every time he sees him. I know this is true because the wife of my H best friend IS my best friend...She would never lie to me. She and I have a huge relationship and we are always candid with each other.

Another thing my H best friend tells him repeatedly is: "I warned you guy...don't fall in love with your GF".

NOW in some strange sense...Out on a limb (maybe), I think my H tells him he loves us both and doesn't want to D me. I think my H talks about all of the good things around here and tells him he likes what he sees here. According to best friends wife, H tells his friend that he can see himself coming home now and I think that has been a part of the conversation now for several months.

I AM NOT GOING TO GET MY HOPES UP.....I told my boss yesterday that I think he will pick her. My boss said "no way".

TIME WILL TELL -

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

Hello Sleeper....

I know my H:

HE WILL BE MISERABLE IN TIME

OW is very Confrontational, Controlling, Insecure, Jealous, She is a Kling-on. She calls, texts, chases him down 24/7. My H can't breathe. She is constantly on his case about something.

It is my H ego that loves OW. It is the outside package he sees right now. OW true colors ARE beginning to shine through that "made-up" wrapper. I have described her many times in these posts and there is a description in this thread a few posts back.

I wish we had a support group up here for people in my sitch.

Thank you for your comment -

Sanderika