Ok, well she gave me an earful today. She is going to do what she wants. I was plenty validating. She got so mad that I was calm she told me to go hang out with our cousin.
I think it was the sentence. Wife I don't want to be right. You always wanted to be right, and I always wanted to be right. I don't want to be right. I want this family to be happy.
She said she wasn't wrong. (Well she is plenty wrong)
She felt like she can do whatever she wants at the childrens expense because she felt I did in the past.
She still has this notion that was a drunk all the time.
I did ask her if I ever did anything right. She said NO.
Ok, so I didn't do anything right. We both had the BOSS attitude.
I said you are the queen. I love my queen. The queen wins. I am a peasant.
Since you won. How does it feel. I feel pretty good losing.
Thats when she said go hang out with our cousin.
I think she is starting to beat herself up. They may be a good thing.
phil i really feel for you and you sound as if you are having a terrible time just trying to grasp the reality of your situation. I dont have any answers for you i am sorry but I just wanted to say that sometimes being still and doing nothing can really work wonders. my wife loves to tell me this "even a foolish man is considered to be wise when he keeps his mouth shut". I am not saying you are a fool I am just saying that you have to stop reacting.
Just like when she showed up today unannonuced again. Having some lame excuse. I just asked her to leave.
Today in text she told me to get a life. Well then don't show up here.
I'm 50/50. I want her back because she is the love of my life. I don't want her back because she is demeaning selfish and just about the biggest B on the planet.
Why did she show up here to spin me out of control. I said do not show up here unannounced.
She says, well you can do it to me at 1:10 AM.
Yes because I missed you. I thought in my p brain that I could talk you home. I was wrong then. I'm even more wrong now.
I promised to read all of your sitch and I have. There is so much I want to write you, but I'm at work right now.
I have three points to make for you:
1. I can tell you love your family, your w, and your children and are in incredible pain with the sitch.
You are a responsible and loving father that wants the very best for your children.
2.is almost impossible to hug a porcupine. Think for a minute about that picture.
Every time you do see your wife you are bristling with anger and contempt and judgment. Then you tell her you want her to come home.
Huh, would you want to come home to you? Think Phil, this is really important. You sound mean and nasty and impossible to be around. She came over and you told her to just go? How are you going to ever get her to talk to you if you are full of such spite.
I'm a religious person, but I have never used that to bolster me in judging my h. You can quote the scriptures, but do you really think you are living them? My priest used to tell me that scriptures can't be cherry-picked, meaning that we can't just quote the ones that support us and ignore the ones that tell us that we are doing the wrong thing.
3.You can change starting right now. You are capable of love and care. You can start to be a friend of your w. You can be patient and listen and just be there without having a nasty retort for everything she says.
Even if she has caused the S, both of you have been a part of the sitch.
With love, care, compassion and lots of understanding for the hurt,
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Right... I know. Everytime I'm around her I get flustered. She treats me like crap. So I asked her to leave. She is treating me like crap even more because now my cousin is staying with us. She wants to look like the cool one. Spite.
Yes, I was ticked. Because she just shows up unannounced. Did she just want to inflict pain, and then leave.
Gosh when she left yesterday after I asked her nicely to leave. She said I hope someone beats you up like you beat me.
I never beat the woman. If anything she beat on me.
Yes, there were times I lashed back, because I was a rat in the cage.
Even last night I was calling her to get a hold of the kids. She answered and just starting spewing venom. I didn't even say anything to the woman.
No matter what I do or say it is wrong. I'm telling you the difficulty is I can't even walk a straight line properly.
No matter what I do or say she will find fault. Even if I do nothing. She'll provoke me. She flipped me off. I waved to her. I probally waved wrong.
She is really messed up.
You know I did some thinking. I could just go to the courthouse and file for full custody, and sole pocession of the house. She would go bersek if I did that. I don't want her to go bersek. I know how protective she is of them kids.
Doing that will not get me closer to my goal.
I don't think going dark or trying to go dark is working either. Like I said I knew she was going to throw it in my face that I don't care about the kids and don't contact them when she has them.
I don't see it as constant texting. Here is the thing. She felt like I never loved her and never showed her affection. I keep thinking I need to do the opposite.
It doesn't matter how you see it. It matters how she sees it. Out of the blue text messages about How much I love you, doesn't seem to be working.
Quote:
She felt like I never loved her and never showed her affection.
She told you what she felt was missing. That is good to work on.
Quote:
I keep thinking I need to do the opposite.
I think you're right. But the way you are doing it now is causing more conflict. There are many ways to meet your goals. This is a minefield, you keep walking the same path, you're going to keep hitting the same mines.
In this, showing beats telling. When she is nice, be nice. When she is being mean, don't rise to the bait.
Going dark / dettaching is perhaps the hardest thing to do. Everyone does it differently. With kids...it isn't easy. Tell her to have your kids call you before they go to bed. This way you talk to them not to her, they call you. Do the same thing when you have your kids.
Start using possesive words for your children, not 'them' children.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ok I'll say it. Poor Phil. I feel bad for you. But I feel bad for your wife, also. What exactly is your goal? Do you want her to admit she was wrong and beg you for forgiveness and then come home and be a good wife? If so, you aren't going to get that result with the venom, Phil.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I know you are not arguing with me. I don't generally text her out of the blue. Yes I have on a few occasions. Gernerally I leave her alone. I do not call her or text her. I only text her back when she texts me. Sometimes after she leaves all pissed. I do text her about something she said that I felt was untrue.
Yes, I have tried that approach too. Kids please call me before you go to bed. Etc... I just don't think they do it or she doesn't have them do it, because she doesn't want me to know what she is up too. If she is home alone, etc....
The behavior really looks like there is another man in the picture. I'm thinking that if there was then she wouldn't be so focused in trying to kill me all time. Imagination gets the best of you.
When my children stay with her parents overnight it doesn't help the situation. I should have the right to know where my children are at. She doesn't want to tell me because she doesn't want me to know that she is running around.
Well I don't really care where she is at or if she is running around. I can't do anything to stop it. I'd rather not know anyways. She said oh you called me a Wh0re and a slut because I went out Friday. I did nothing of the sort, I didn't even know she went out. I was a little peeved that she didn't even bother to see her children on Friday. Same story. Dedicated over protective Mother to a neglectful Mother.
Something really changed in her. I don't think she is ever coming back. She told me to get a clue, that she wasn't coming back. This language sounds like the pig girl talking. The pig girl really has the grips in her.
Again with her parents. They just make things worse because if I say things to them about her actions they twist around and make her look bad.
My Father in law has been nortorious for trying to help the situation and he only makes it worse. I said to him I'm worried about his daughter because of all of her strange behavior. She doesn't like hearing it from Daddy either.
Now I just got off the phone with my daughter. I said Mommy didn't give me her schedule so I don't have anything planned for us to do. My D says oh mommy told me to give you the schedule. I don't think so. She can't communicate important things like a schedule through our daughter. If there is a mistake then who gets blamed.
Oh its all very frustrating.
Here is my question. If the woman is doing what she wants. Why does she still come back to inflict pain on me.
Yes, right back to square one. Actually I don't think we ever left.
Be nice when she is nice. When she is mean don't take the bait. Yes I think I have been doing some of that. She showed up yesterday and was mean. I asked her to politely leave. Then she starts swearing at me, and says she hopes someone beats me up like I beat her up all the time.
Going dark is perhaps impossible with the kids involved.
Then I'm also an idiot.
This morning I text her. Good morning. She text back. Hi. I text I miss you. She text y? I text a million reasons. Next text. Your voice, Your hair, your soft skin, your eyes, you big toe. I love it all.
Next text: The way you light up the room when you enter it. You are some kind of woman.
Then I let it go. I get nothing back. I should have just stopped at a million reasons. A thank you would have been sufficient.
Yes all very persuing.
Perverse pleasure Jack. What else is the woman going to throw at me? When is she going to try and stop proving that I don't love her? I will always love her. Nothing she can do will make me stop loving her.
