I finally got closure

[DanceQueen]

I started a new thread for this one because it is a separate, sort of big deal for me...

Quick recap: I am divorced and in a new great relationship. However, I have HUGE regrets about my marriage and the divorce. I feel that if we had had help during our marraige (counseling) or tried a little harder, we could have busted our divorce. But since we just didn't know any better or how to help ourselves, we threw in the towel.

I've never been *sorry* because I am with the man of my dreams now...but I don't know what *would have been* if my ex-h and I had done things a little better. We may still be married and happy finally. Especially if we had read SSM (I read it much later after the D, duh, lightbulbs). I never wanted to be divorced from him.

The whole divorce process hurt so much, and the whole reason I am here on this forum is to urge people to do anything in their power to avoid it, and make sure they have tried EVERYTHING they can before divorce.

Most of my personal regrets revolve around how I treated my ex-h. He was a good man and he loved me, and I always made it seem to him that nothing he did was ever good enough. I was so misguided, young and stupid (pregnant and married at age 20). I always thought I was trying to get him to support me more, but what I was really doing was beating him down with my criticism.

Its over and he has moved on. You would think I would be moved on, too. But the regrets never really left my mind. And my ex-h would not talk to me at all, simply refused. So I could never even apologize.

I knew a thin apology would not have meant anythin anyway...so I couldn't blame him.

Anyway, just recently I have been planning my wedding for February 2009. I had this "spot" in my heart that kept holding me back, kept asking me to make sure everthing is "right" before moving forward. So I did a lot of soul searching and found ... I just needed closure from my ex-h. I needed to pour my heart out and tell him in detail the things I am sorry for. And I needed to do it in a way that was all about me, what I had done to him, my regrets...and nothing about him, what he had done to me, etc. In the past, if I had written him a closure letter, it would have included things like "I regret that when you did x it made me feel y". I would have included HIS wrongs in my apology. I was stuck in that weird place where you can't stop blaming your spouse for what you did wrong.

But this time...after so much reflection (4 years now)...I finally got it. What I needed to tell him was "I did this, that, this, that, and this and that, completely wrong. You loved me and were good to me and I didn't honor that. I wish I could do a, b, and c over." Without any "but it was because you did such and such" bull crap.

So a couple of days ago I emailed him and asked him if I sent him a closure letter would he be so kind as to read it. I expected him to throw it back in my face and tell me "hey if you haven't moved on that's your problem, I couldn't care less". He has said similar things in the past. If he had said that, I would have had to accept it. I wrote the letter anyway, and had it ready, whether he said he would read it or not. If he said not, I would have asked a spiritual advisor to read it for me on "his" behalf.

To my surprise, he said "I will read your letter. I hope it will help you move on. I have regrets, too".

This is the most personal words he has said to me in 4 years. Basically, we never talked about anything at all, ever, after we decided to split for real. I wanted to talk, I tried, he wouldn't. So his response was amazing to me. He has never once said that he had any regrets. I actually didn't think he had any. I figured he assumed it was all my fault. So I was very surprised and *happy* (happy isn't the right word for this, I just don't know a better one).

So I sent the letter. It was a very heartfelt touching apology, and a "thank you" for all the things he gave to me. I also told him I know where we stand, I didn't want him to think I had any confusion about getting back together or anything, I know he has moved on. I told him I pray he finds his true love. I pray he is healthy throughout his days. And I pray he will forgive me.

I told him he could reply if he wanted or not if he didn't want. Just having him read it...was all I needed.

For any of you who have averted a divorce, you are so blessed. Please love and cherish your spouse and try very hard to work it all out. There is nothing like the pain of a divorce. Don't let it happen to you.

Now I feel I can finally move on completely. I'm not over the pain of the whole thing entirely yet...but I can begin to fully move on now. I know he must have dropped his chin when he read my letter, because he would not be expecting me to apologize for the things I said in that letter...it is a 180 for me, the things I said. Hopefully it will help him, too. But mostly I hope it didn't stir up anything painful for him.

Thanks for listening, and bust your divorce! Don't live with regrets and pain.

Love,
DQ

[BeingMe]

That is so awesome! I think, sometimes, things from the past have to be cleared up before one can move on. I have thought about doing something similar for my XH (divorced in 1984), but I think too much time has gone by. It was a very volatile M, but I wanted to make peace, especially since I lost twins at 5 months, and I still think of that, and I wonder if he does too. Oh well!

Maybe I will follow your inspiration and do it.

[Shelby]

DanceQueen, I agree that is awesome that you were able to write that letter and he agreed to read it.
I have a question for you. Do you think it is too soon for me to be writing a similar letter to my Husband ? It has only been a month since the bomb has been dropped and I have been trying to do The LRT and GAL. I would not want it to look like I am trying to pressure him. Right now he is not even sure if he wants to work on the marriage or if it is already to late. But I feel as though I get it now (hopefully not to late). I want to let him know How sorry I am that I didn't appreciate him and love him the way I should have, I was waiting for him to make the first move, when I see now that I should have started the first move and showed him how much I love and want him. I know now I needed to take the initiative when it came to sex instead of just complaining about the lack of it, I was stupid enough to think that if I brought it up he would have had to know that means I wanted it. I should have just acted on it and done something about it, instead of waiting for him to get things started.
I just want to let him know I am so sorry I didn't love him the way I should have and that I so get it now. I so badly want to just to hold him, hug him and love him, but now he thinks it would be awkward just to hold hands.
Do you think it is too soon for a letter if I am doing LRT and GAL ? We went to our first meeting with our second counselor last night and he said something he hasn't before, He said he wants to feel love from a woman. I so want to be that woman. He says he knows that I love him, but I obviously have not been showing it to him in the right way though. I am so ready to start showing him but now I don't think he wants to receive it.
Sorry this is so long I am just so lost as what to do, Do I sit back and continue LRT or do I let him know how sorry I am about the past and that I am certain it can be the marriage we both want. I don't know if that would put more pressure on him, that is not what I want right now..

[DanceQueen]

Being me...I think you should write the letter, but then ask him like I did if he will read it. If he says "no", then you can ask someone else to read it "for him". I had my cousin who is like a sister standing by to read my letter in case my ex-h said "no". Just writing it is the freeing part. But of course if he would agree to read it you will feel worlds better. My ex-h has not responded to my letter so I have no clue how he took it or how he felt about any of it...but knowing he read it has created a whole new space in my mind, a space that is available now for healing and love instead of sadness and regret...

Shelby -- your case is a bit like mine in that, when I was so short into the game as you are, I know my ex-h would not have really read my letter. Even if he read it, it would not be read with some distance and clarity. In fact it likely would have made him mad...

But on the other hand...what do you have to lose? Can you think if any way it could make things worse? I can't, when I'm thinking of your sitch. At worst, he will not believe your letter or maybe even laugh in your face about it. But, well, the letter is for you to be able to apologize. We can't really help how someone else will take or not take our apologies, but when we are *truly* apologizing, we don't mind if they don't believe us or forgive us. Because it is only when we are not *truly* apologizing that the outcome of the forgiveness is so important.

In other words, he deserves to hear your apology, whether he forgives you or not and whether he believes you or not and whether it makes a difference or not. As long as you are prepared that it may make zero difference to your entire situation, then I say write the letter.

But if you have a counselor, I would ask them about it first, ok?

Hang in there peeps....try to always do the right thing and you can't go wrong.

DanceQueen

[verycrazy]

I wrote a letter like that to my H very early on, when I didn't even know what the heck I was doing, and I really think it was one of the things that made him promise to stay and try to work on things.

It's been two years since the bomb, and he is still here, and while I don't know what is going to happen, he says ow is over, and he talks about our future.

Shelby-
I think a heartfelt apology could go a long way to showing your H that you DO really care, and love him, and are sorry for how you hurt him.


DanceQueen, good luck.

L

[Shelby]

I am going to do something I would have never thought I would do in a million years, because it is so personal. I am going to share my letter that I want to give to my Husband here. I do not know when I will give it to him. I could really use some honest feedback before I do give it to him. So here goes.

This letter is NOT a letter to get you to change your mind. This letter is not a letter to make you feel guilty or even about pitying me. This letter is to share with you my huge regrets I have about out marriage.

I think you known that I love you. I am just so sorry that in the past I have not been able to make you FEEL loved the way you deserve to be loved, and to SHOW you the love that I have for you. I am so sorry I did not make you feel appreciated for all that you do for me and for us and for our Family. It has always been my dream to be a stay at home mom for our Girls and you gave that to me. Thank You.

I have done so many things completely wrong. I finally get that. I hope not too late. I was always waiting for you to make the first move to show love, when now I understand I should have been the one to show you how much I love and want you. I now know I should have taken the initiative in sex instead of waiting for you to . I know you have asked me to in the past but I would push it off thinking if you wanted it you would come to me. I now know How wrong that was. I now know I should have acted on my desires and actually do something with them instead of pushing them and you away. I get it now.

I am so sorry I didn't love you the way I should have.

So often I would want to reach out to you to hold you, to touch you or to caress you or lay in your arms but for some reason I would always hold myself back from doing that. I do understand now that to get love I need to show love and I was not doing that. I get that now too.

I am not the same woman I was a year ago and I am not the same woman I was a month ago. I have gone through a lot of changes in the last year. The cancer changed me in that I now know I can't sit back and wait for things to happen, If I want something I have to make it happen. For me this means showing my love. It was a gradual process though because at first I was too sick and tired to actually make changes and start living life to the fullest. now I am ready. When You mentioned you wanted a separation, well that changed me too. I now have learned all that I have done wrong in this marriage. It is not about what you did or didn't do . It was about what I wasn't doing, showing you love and making you feel loved.

I have learned a lot about myself recently and I am beyond ready to change, I am changed. I know now I can be the loving and lovable woman I have always wanted to be.

I do not know what is going to happen between us. All that I do know is that I am not the same woman and whether I am with you or not I will not go back to being that woman who sits back and waits for things to just happen. I want to love, to show love and to let myself be loved back.

Another regret that I have is that even after the affair and I have personally forgiven you, I have never made you FEEL forgiven. Always know that you are forgiven. I forgive you.

If you have read all of this Thank You. I only wanted to let you know about my own personal regrets in our marriage. I regret not loving you the way you should and need to be. I regret holding back and not showing you love.

I am so sorry I did not love you the way I should and I get that now. I hope someday you could accept my apology and even forgive me.

Shelby

Okay what do you think ? Do I repeat myself too much ? Do I get what I mean across well enough ? I don't want to sound like I am begging I want to sound like I am strong and that I know where I have messed up and That I do not want to live like that again.That I know what I have to do to change. Let me know what you think, I can take it. Do you think it too soon to give him a letter like this if I am trying to LRT and GAL ? I don't think it could hurt any.

Thank you for you feed back, Shelby

[DanceQueen]

Shelby,

If you can cut the letter down a little bit by making a list of bullet points, that might help. But really its fine the way it is now, too. You are pouring your heart out and that is what the letter is for, so no need to change it.

So as for whether to give it to him or not...well honey, I am not a DB expert so please consult with some more of them first...but really, it can't do anymore harm, can it? But that's why I want you to check with more DB experts because it could be construed as pursuing him if he has asked for space.

If it was me, I would send it...but I have never necessarily done things the right way so I can't say whether that is right or not. But for me, when I need to communicate something, I just do it first and think later.

Your letter had many similar aspects that mine did, by the way.

Let us know if you do send it, ok?

But really...be prepared that it really may not make any difference at all. If you are expecting it to help your sitch even just a tiny bit, you may be disappointed. So just know that if you give it to him, the point is to apologize, even if he does NOT forgive and even if you two end up divorced. (I'm praying you do not).

DQ

[tmi]

look at the letter again in 48 hours and if you still want to send it (maybe after some editing at that point), then it's worth a shot. it's a lovely letter.

[Shelby]

Hi, I just wanted to give an update. My Husband went away for the weekend with some Guys from work( I hope ). So I took the Kids away for the weekend with out telling him first and I left the letter on the counter for him to read, I wanted to take the Kids and myself away so he could have some time to absorb what I was saying in the letter and so he could have some time to reread it if he chose to.

He didn't mention the letter to me at all last night, but then this morning before he left for work, He Thanked me for the letter and said it was nice and that it looked like I was taking full responsibility for our problems and that he made mistakes also. He said that we could talk more about it later.
I should have just kept quite and just listened but when he said that it looked like I was taking full responsibility, I said that I am taking responsibility for what I did wrong in the marriage. I guess I am worried that I implied that Yes he made mistakes too. Now I am worried that he won't bring it up again.

I guess it was taken well, in that he did thank me for writting it.

[BeingMe]

I don't know your sitch, but no-one can be fully responsible for all the problems in a M. Your H should really have some ownership. Sometimes, we feel so bad (guilt, and trying to get them back???), we want to take it all on our shoulders, but that is hardly fair to ourselves, and certainly not to our spouses. How can they learn, and grow, if they are being excused for their mistakes? You don't have to point out his mistakes, but it was nice of him to thank you, and own some portion of the issues you have in your M.

Hope you get to talk, and clear the air.