I think a lot of us here adore our fathers, I know I do, poor guy hes out there now on my balcony painting it cause it needed it, its 96 degrees! There hasnt been a week thats gone by since ex left my 76 yr old dad hasnt been here doing some odd job. He is my hero and I think thats why when our ex did what htey did to us, well , we wondered how it could be. No one compares to your dad, but we hoped our H would come close.
My dad is the same. He has done more work around my house in the year and a half since the X left than my X did in the 11 years he was here. I think I have let all the anger at my X go, but when I see my 72 year old father working his ass off doing things the X wouldn't do, the anger resurfaces.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Maybe there's a common thread here as well. When the first important male in our life loves us unconditionally and has a strong moral code, maybe we just expect we have picked men who are cut from the same cloth. Possibly it's more than the abadonment issue. The other reason we have such a darn hardtime with it is because in our widest dream, no matter how bad things got, we never thought that it would come to this.
Oh BND I know how you feel! although my dad loves this stuff lol my parents house is so darn perfect he dosnt have anything to do there lol but where would be without them? I have told my ex a few times , I am thankful that Ry has his grandad ( and uncles) to look up to, sadly my ex even agrees! His dad was a stand up man as well.
Bethie you are so right!
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Maybe there's a common thread here as well. When the first important male in our life loves us unconditionally and has a strong moral code, maybe we just expect we have picked men who are cut from the same cloth. Possibly it's more than the abadonment issue. The other reason we have such a darn hardtime with it is because in our widest dream, no matter how bad things got, we never thought that it would come to this.
That's me. My dad loved me unconditionally, it just never occurred to me my H wouldn't do the same. I still have trouble coming to terms with the conditional nature of my H's love; or, apparently conditional. His affection fluctuates directly with my weight, but also with his depression. Some days, it's hard for me to tell if he's just depressed - in which case I should stay by his side and support him - or if he's right and I'mthe cause of his problems because I'm not XY or Z. (Btw, although I am about 40 lbs overweight right now, he also thought I was too fat when I was a bony 5'6" 125 lbs., so I DO know he has issues of his own.)
Hi, well I'll chime in for a while. SG, you sound really good and that peach tree story is the best. Just an allegory of how things grow and change for the better when we do not even know it's happening around us until we are able to see. Awesome progress. Me too although I do not post much.
The whole subject of stay at home moms has me walking down memory lane a bit. I was not one, and I didn't have kids. Both I and the x were committed to our work/jobs. I would have been willing to step back from that a bit had he had just one iota been willing to pay attention to home but he never would do that. Plus I was of the mind that I never wanted to have a man support me, I had to make my own way in the world, that was me and I was not normal with that, it was something I learned myself as I saw my mother not have difficulty with my father but she was on her own raising us. I had always worked, got married at 30 years old, and was in a career by then.
But I changed all that just before the X left me! I left my job and career in preparation for a new phase of our life together. The very moment I gave myself up to his protection and safety he left me.
I was lucky enough to end up with resources that I had built over time. But when the divorce was proceeding I was afraid enough to get myself a tent, a lantern, a sleeping bag in case I ended up homeless. It could happen to any of us as you well know. I am so proud of you and me and all the people who have come through this together.
It's pouring rain now, thunder and lightening so off I go. You take care, and remember every day is a journey in itself in this life. Wonder
I read what you said about alimony being out of the question in Cali. Do you think that really it depends on whose courtroom and the judges in your circuit as to how this shakes out?
I know that in Cali unlike in most states 10 years is considered a longterm marriage. I have a guy friend that lives in southern California. He was married for 20 years, no kids, and a wife who definitely had at least 1 master's degree. She was the one who walked away. Even though she had the education the only job she had was teaching piano lessons, so there wasn't much money coming in from that. When they went for the divorce she had to go to have a career evaluation in order to put a dollar amount on her earning potential. Even with that, when all was said and done, he left the courthouse owing her $3200.00 a month until the first of the year when it would be reduced to $2800.00 (remember they never had any kids)but he was ordered to maintain her lifestyle. Actually that wasn't the end of it. He was also ordered to also pay her 28% of all quarterly bonuses until the $2800.00 kicked in, and then the bonus money would adjust to 38%. Also she was entitled to an automatic percentage of any raises that he received. Bonus money alone is as much as some people receive for the year in maintenance. How does that make you feel?
Oh wait it doesn't end there. Are you ready for this? I asked him how long he would be expected to pay this and the order reads "until she should marry", not when he retires. For that he would have to take her back to court and get it reviewed or just keep paying. I keep telling him it's the gift that keeps on giving!
Maybe there's a common thread here as well. When the first important male in our life loves us unconditionally and has a strong moral code, maybe we just expect we have picked men who are cut from the same cloth. Possibly it's more than the abadonment issue. The other reason we have such a darn hardtime with it is because in our widest dream, no matter how bad things got, we never thought that it would come to this.
That's me. My dad loved me unconditionally, it just never occurred to me my H wouldn't do the same. I still have trouble coming to terms with the conditional nature of my H's love; or, apparently conditional. His affection fluctuates directly with my weight, but also with his depression. Some days, it's hard for me to tell if he's just depressed - in which case I should stay by his side and support him - or if he's right and I'mthe cause of his problems because I'm not XY or Z. (Btw, although I am about 40 lbs overweight right now, he also thought I was too fat when I was a bony 5'6" 125 lbs., so I DO know he has issues of his own.)
Ellie
Oh Ellie,
If only we could have known then what we now sadly understand. Still I don't think we would have fully understood and probably thought it might change over time.
But like you said, "these are his issues"! Wow I think we're finally growing up!
Thanks for writing. I remember all too well that you were the first person to post on my very first thread in MLC...back in the day.
As far as alimony goes it depends on the situation. I chose to take ownership of the house instead. This is what made the most sense to me (and still does).
What I meant was that in CA the tendency is to get the "dependent" spouse OFF support as soon as possible. The goal is for each to be independent of the other. That works for me because I wanted to be as free as possible of my X as soon as possible. My strategy has worked well in many ways because I have so little dealings with him it is easy to move on.
Also, my kids were over 18 when we "actually" divorced. So no CS either. This also was my choice. In our agreement he agreed to help with college, and I am happy to say he has kept up his end of that particular bargain.
I do know of people who get alimony. One GF was married 30 years and she gets continuous support. But that is what the 2 of them agreed on. It just wasn't going to happen in my sit. in a way that I could live with. I wanted it to be done when it was done.
Hope that helps!
Goddess
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
