breton, I understand what you are saying...I do think that at some point and time, the WAS probably does feel a sense of remorse, and maybe even loss, at what he/she has done.
When my exH first started talking about a reconciliation, he said that he had noticed changes in me and that he liked those changes. For me, however, those changes meant that I was no longer seeing him through the rose-colored glasses. I was seeing him for who he really was.
I especially agree w/ your last sentence...I think that very often the LBSs do fare better than the WASs. My exH married his OW. He does not seem to be any happier w/ her. In fact, my kids tell me that he talks just as ugly and hateful to her as he did to me and he is still drinking. This is a sign to me that he is just not a happy person...at least I know our m failing really wasn't ALL my fault...lol. I, on the other hand, am very happy w/ my life and I am excited about what the future holds for me/us!
I wish there had been a thread like this when I joined the board in 2005.
I bought into the oft-quoted "80% of MLCers return". It gave me a fase sense of security that H would eventually come home.
The MC I was seeing at that time told me that H's 8-month affair was on its last legs based on the 25 year age difference between them. She also said that affairs rarely last beyond 36 months.
So I waited it out. And waited and waited. After almost 2 years, I was sick of the humiliation and filed for D. It was granted last Fall.
And the affair that should have died of natural causes is still chugging along. It has been going on four years now.
H has finally quit telling me how unhappy he is, how he wants to "unload" the OW, and how we are not done yet. Probably the only honest thing he has admitted is he is afraid to be alone. I never gave him any guarantees that I would take him back, and he knows that the OW (a fatal attraction) will never leave.
Ah, Val, I wonder if that's what I'll see: H continues R w/OW in order to not be alone and to have someone to contribute to expenses and to be his loyal admirer and person to control.
I think H treats OW with disdain, based on fragment of conversation he left on answering machine by mistake. I pick up resentment and frustration w/OW. Unfortunately this hasn't translated into any softer feelings for me, although I would add that I have had more respect in the past few months.
But again....interesting that YOU moved on and X chugs along with Moss (what I call her cause she's clingy).
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Breton, if you want to stand for your marriage until you die, that's your business and I wish you the very best in getting what you want. I do think that you should prepare yourself for the fact that it might not happen. I think sometimes you reach for things to give you hope to keep on fighting, and I understand that, don't think I am putting you down or making fun of you for doing that. I think its admirable that you would have that kind of committment to your H and personally I think he is a fool for doing what he is doing. Remember this, you or anyone else cannot make anyone do anything, they must want to do something for themselves. With that being said, I think your H's course is obvious and you are going to have to let him run it. Will it be successfull? Well, to share some more stats with you, probably not. Looking at the D's for 2nd marriages, its above 60% nationwide. The success rate for affair based marriages is less than 5%. Is the D or failure of that relationship immediate? Sometimes yes, often times No, but it does happen in the MAJORITY of the cases. In saying this, does the WAS try to return to his or her former spouse? Probably not, why you ask. People aren't going to admit they have done wrong, that's just the way we are wired for the most part. I have personally seen this one too many times, they would rather live miserable and try to make people think they made the right choices all along. Sad thing is, people in general could care less.
I 100% agree that the vast majority of WAS would rather live miserably and try to make people think they made the right choice.
My XH made a huge production of introducing the young OW to his family and friends while throwing me under the bus in 2005-06.
His conscience must have finally kicked in because he called his mother in January 07 and told her that none of it was my fault .. it was all him. He called me the next night and admitted the same thing. It was the first of many late-night calls breaking down and expressing remorse.
Did it make a difference? Not in the long run. He's still with OW. My SIL says H really is unhappy, and he has stated he will never marry again. Apparently OW is okay with this, so it's easier to stay in the mess he has created for himself than do the work to come home.
"I do think that you should prepare yourself for the fact that it might not happen."
Yup, I'm well aware. I even accept that it seems that it could be "probably will not happen," given H's lack of interest. He doesn't look happy but he makes few if any moves towards me. I can't do anything about that. I've tried to be kind while holding clear boundaries.
And so I am livin' my life. I'm in a much better place than I was when I came here.
I don't want to sound as if I am all pollyanna. If I had to generalize, it seems as if most of the time the WAS does express regret and remorse at some point--years later, even--but getting further along than that seems to be difficult. Not impossible, but certainly difficult.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
This is directed to nobody but it applies to us all.............
Here goes............
I have (had) a MLC XW
Just because the D is done doesn't mean the drama ends. Beginning a new R won't stop the drama either. The whole thing as Figgy says is detach and let the chips fall where they may, All of us have been there and done that (ever see a post and say wow deja vu?)
So boil it down, either stand or move on...........
Each road has some holes, you gotta go into it with eyes wide open.
standing is torture, dating after standing is torture.
Get to know yourself and most of all love yourself. Keep your boundaries and enforce them.
It might seem funny but after dealing with the aftermath of MLC (It's all about them) We need to go into (it's all about us)
I am totally sceptical about statistics concerning D. So I take them all with a pinch of salt in truth it is impossible to collate that kind of info on the scale needed to get any accurate results.Also just how truthful would a person be when answering? So if 50% of first marriages now fail and 60% of second marriages fail and affairs burn out after 6mths. 80% of mlc ers return and it last 6mths to 2 years. Whilst walkaways rarely marry the affair partner Who is marrying who? Not trying to be cynical here just confused and also am I missing something. Not even going to throw in the God hates D and restores the marriages of those who believe and pray x,y,z, prayers into the equasion. Just for the record I am a believing christian so not knocking anyone for their beliefs.
